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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

498 replies

GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 16:24

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

OP posts:
Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:13

I had only just gotten back on track financially (after bankruptcy) this last year just before meeting him and I ended up running up a huge (£750), well it is to me,lol credit card bill whilst we had no income after he moved in last year and I don;t know if i will be able to ever pay it back now. He was putting money into a 'pot' for about a month and a half before christmas but now hasn't recenttly.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 29/04/2009 17:14

This guy is taking you for a mug. Who does he think pays for the food and 'leccy? A fairy?

Tell him to start paying his way or move out.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:15

I guess I just wish HE was the one to be that guy. I beleive he could be (god I'm so stubborn) given time. Or am I being a soft touch?

OP posts:
LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 29/04/2009 17:16

so now you're running up debt to accomodate him?

Are you MAD?

cocklodger as others have said.

Say "It will £50 a week to live here, pay or leave"

see if this soulmate hangs around

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:17

He's due home soon and I don;t know how much longer I will be able to keep typing on here as the pC is in the living room and he will want to know what I'm doing. So I'd like to thank ALL of you guys, eacj and everyone of you for being so nice and trying to hel-p me. I think maybe that I'm the only one who can do that. he's out agian tomorrow so I will try to post again then. Sorry folks.

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RumourOfAHurricane · 29/04/2009 17:18

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Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:19

Do you think it possible for him to change??

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 29/04/2009 17:20

Good luck. Maybe he will be able to get a grip and be a grownup if you explain that that is the way things are going to work from now on. Maybe. Either way I hope you can work it out in the that's best for you.

Nancy66 · 29/04/2009 17:21

You talked of him being your 'soul mate' and he moved in with you after a month?

Sounds to me like you were lonely and vulnerabel and he took advantage.

What's he on incapacity benefit for?

Don't be a mug - boot him out and wait until something better comes along.

It's also a bit dodgy that he still sometimes shacks up with the ex if you ask me.

Please don't let yourself be taken advantage of, you owe him nothing.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:24

I really hope so. I know I can survive on my own. i've done it before. My kids will miss him though, he has been good for them. I really want him to be long term. Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone you love but not like? I wouldn't mind so much the money if he was doing things around the house instead. .

Right. Kick up the butt time. Will talk to him tonight. He got paid today so I suppose it's as good a time as any.

OP posts:
Noonki · 29/04/2009 17:25

grumpymoo ime men like that rarely change.

it sounds to be as if you are really low in confidence.

Do you think that may be you are with him just to be with someone?

It sounds as if your expectations are very low.

TrillianAstra · 29/04/2009 17:25

"Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone you love but not like?"

I would say not at all. Not in the slightest. If you don't like or respect someone you cannot have a real relationship with them. A hot fling perhaps. Not a relationship.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/04/2009 17:26

If you 'love but don't like' a person all the time, then you don't love them, IMO. Sometimes I freaking hate my DH but most of the time I like him as well as love him. You don't sound like you rspect or like this guy much - so, why do you love him?

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:28

nancy It's for a horrible cancer he had as a child. It has left him with medical issues. Not huge ones but...bad enough

I know the whole XW thing {{shudder}} it's why we fell out the last time, she told me he was making love to her at the same time as to me and that he wanted to go back to her blah blah blah. Stilll feel sick to think of what she said but she ahsn't been able to back it up so...

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 29/04/2009 17:30

Ohhhh Grumpy - wake up and smell the coffee !

he's sponging off you and (probably) still rogering the ex...you deserve better.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 17:31

He is only my second relationship. I havn't had enough other partners to know if this is normal. It's why I came to you guys for advice. I am a very tolerant person normally. i see such amazing potential in him and he can be very lovely. so jekll and hyde. Makes me want to tear my hair out!

OP posts:
Buda · 29/04/2009 17:32

"Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone you love but not like?"

No. I don't think so. The first flush of love passes. It is like and respect that gets you through the rest. There will be problems - there always are. You can't get through problems if you don't like and respect each other enough to work at it all.

The fact that he makes you sound unreasonable when you do try to talk about it speaks volumes. He is taking you for a mug.

Nancy66 · 29/04/2009 17:34

Guys like him that take advantage usually are charmers - otherwise they'd never get a foot through the door in the first place would they?

What's in this for you?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/04/2009 17:35

He's not jekyll and hyde, he's being nice in order to get what he wants - a free ride with you and probably sex with the ex. He is who he is, unless he's got multiple persnality disorder he is only one person.

TrillianAstra · 29/04/2009 17:35

Then here's the answer: it's not normal and you are too tolerant.

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/04/2009 17:35

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wastingmyeducation · 29/04/2009 17:38

I'd be wanting £70 a week tbh. That's what benefits are for, to pay living expenses.

Sit him down and say 'We need to talk about money. At the moment I am paying for everything, including bills and food and things can't carry on that way. I need £xx a week from you.' (£50 minimum I'd say) His reaction will help you decide whether you want to stay with him.

Flibbertyjibbet · 29/04/2009 17:51

Sleeping with ex? Jeckyll and Hyde? Not giving you any money? Only thinks about the next football match?

Get rid. Please get rid. He is a cheating sponger who is nice to you to get what you want.

There is no such thing as soul mates. I only seem to see that expression used when talking about relationships that aren't righ. All kinds of relationship shit are justified with 'but we are soul mates'. No you're not, you are either in a loving relationship on a basis of mutual trust, responsibility and love, or you aren't.

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/04/2009 17:53

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Geekylass · 29/04/2009 18:18

"He is only my second relationship. I havn't had enough other partners to know if this is normal."

It is NOT normal. There are men out there who are so different from this man that it would be unfair to classify them as the same species! Please stop letting him take you for a ride.