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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

498 replies

GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 16:24

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

OP posts:
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 21:55

Another of my personal favorites is: Ad astra per aspera!!! Gets me everytime.

x

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 01/05/2009 08:53

Morning. Please let us know that you're okay when you get a chance.

GrumpyMoo · 01/05/2009 10:07

Hi all. Sorry for dramatic pause! I told him not to come back last night. Lets face it he didn;t want to be here really did he?

Not really anyway. And beside he never really was here so to speak was he??

And gues what? He still hasn't come back. I'm guessing he is with the ex pouring out his heart about how cruel and juvenile I am being and how f*ing unreasonable I am.

Or else he is saying that I will calm down if he gives me a little space.

Bloody man. Except that is unkind to those men who do understand that if you live with someone.... you pay to the household running... even if it is only a fiver a week.

I'm just not prepared to go through this anymore. It's the thought of him telling me that all I ever wanted was a cocklodger and that that is all I have ever treated him as!!! This is what is keeping me going today.!

OP posts:
paranoidmother · 01/05/2009 10:19

Good for you Grumpy Moo, glad you're ok. You don't owe him anything and can now quite happily ignore him for the rest of his life.

Just a thought but don't let him try to make you feel guilty about his daughter. She will get over it all and whatever you try to do to make it better will give him satisfaction in some way. (The daughter will probably realise in years to come what he is like)

Chin up and keep on going you're doing good.

Nancy66 · 01/05/2009 10:26

Well done Grumpy - very proud of you. Have to admit I didn't think you'd have the balls to do it. Good on you.

pingviner · 01/05/2009 10:27

glad you are ok moo
hope you had a good nights sleep
you are doing the right thing
are you still going to speak to CAB? or do you think his threats were empty

even if he does try and make a fuss with the council i doubt they will take it seriously

i mean " well, she had a lodger, ok it was me, no I wasnt paying rent, no, I wasnt registered at the address, yes I knew I was cocklodging living there unofficially but I was happy to do it until we fell out but now I think its wrong and shes cheating the system"

O really? Doenst sound good!

Idranktheeasterspirits · 01/05/2009 10:28

Pack his things today so that they are ready for when he does turn up. And believe me he will turn up.
He will turn up thinking that he has taught you a lesson by staying away and will expect you to be prostrate with relief that he has deigned to grace you with his presence.

You need to be ready to simply hand him his things and put an end to this crap relationship with as little fuss as possible. He sounds like a self serving drama queen who has an overinflated ego and no prospects at all. How on earth does any 43 yr old live with himself if he is spending his life sponging off others.
You will have much more enjoyment out of life once this ponce has gone for good.

Killamarsh · 01/05/2009 10:29

I think you know the answer to this one, give yourself a quick kick up the arese, he should be contributing, you know it. He is using you (my humble opinion).

auntyitaly · 01/05/2009 10:30

I suspect you're finding it difficult to broach the subject precisely because he, for obvious reasons, will make it very hard for you to bring it up.

He may well make you sound unreasonable, fill you with self-doubt, or even accuse you of being greedy. He may also tell you that the problem is yours. All standard stuff.

Otherwise how could he go on getting away with being a sponger?

auntyitaly · 01/05/2009 10:35

So sorry, I mean to say: Make sure he stays out of the house and your life.

caramelwaffle · 01/05/2009 11:43

Pack away every single possession he has at your place. Have it ready at the front door to go.

It really is best if you could have at least one other person there (preferably a male member of your family) for when he returns.

Do not enter into a prolonged discussion with him. State baldly you wish for him to go and never to darken your door again.

He will make you "sound unreasonable, fill you with self-doubt, or accuse you of being greedy" auntyitaly is 100% correct.

He will first act as if he is ignoring you, then tell you are being unreasonable.
He will then act a little angrier and become disparaging (you are greedy/stupid/should be grateful etc).
Then more angry and threatening (i.e. "i'll go to the social and tell them all about you, you stupid woman) - the idiotic dolite twat.
When he realises you are serious - he'll become ever more insulting.

Then he'll start on the emotional blackmail and back to more anger and insults when he again realises to have sussed him as the grade A twat he is and are taking no-more.

Yes, auantyitaly. All - depressingly - standard stuff.

If you decide to stay with him, it is all downhill from here.
But then he may decide to leave you himself anyway when has targeted another "more profitable" vunerable woman.

Get him out woman. Get him out.

TrillianAstra · 01/05/2009 11:47

Do as Idrank says - pack his stuff so you can hand it over to him on the doorstep. Put it in binbags or tesco carrier bags if he doesn't have bags himself. That way he doesn't ever need to set foot inside your hosue again.

drlove8 · 01/05/2009 11:56

grumpy , the bit that got me is that he doesnt pay maintenence to his ex because his dd stays at yours 3-4 days a week! .this means YOU were providing for his dd, not him...not only was he using you for his own benefit but to gain brownie points with the ex-w! wtf. keep him out girl.... just dump his stuff on the doorstep..id be tempted just to chuck it out the windows at him, no bin bags nessecary! lol x

drlove8 · 01/05/2009 12:00

re: the haircut.... hope its fab. think he was trying to stop you looking your best, just to stop other blokes looking and thinking ,""
yeah, she's lovely... i wonder if i ask her out, would she saw yes?"".... get rid of chance you meet someone else, and dump him .he doesnt want to lose his cushy easy life,- selfish twat.

Buda · 01/05/2009 15:34

Another one saying pack up his stuff and have it ready. Have a male relative/friend/neighbour there in case he gets aggressive.

He is such a waste of space.

GrumpyMoo · 01/05/2009 17:29

Blimey! I go out to get some shoppping in (doors lock, key left in etc, so he can't get in ) seriously! NO food in the house.

I come back to find all you guys! Bless. That is all I can say right now.

Ok. mushy moment over. {pulls self together with big kleenex sniff}

Today I have:
Driven past 'his' house. Car there. Gone for a theraputic 1/2 hours angry ten pin bowling.
Driven past his house, again. Car still there This is half 12 by now. Curtains? Shut. Surprise surprise!
Gone to buy food. Kids enjoy this oddly enough. Well not the shopping but the eating of!
Gone to diy place and looked at new lock for front door. Bloody dbl glazing. Too much. Will leave key turned in door lock and use back door as he doesn't have that key.
Come home put food away.
Kids home from school.
Phoned very nice epople at the Police. Wanted to know exactly where i stand. Phew.
I then phoned removal firm to get his stuff and take it to him (really don;t want him back here!!!!!) Who are happy to come get his things for me. They are the same peoplewho moved me a few months ago. As he hung up it sounded to me like he would be more than happy do a little more than deliver boxes. Something along the lines of gutters, kneecaps and raised voices. His last words to me were (in his braod galswegian tones) see ya in the mornin and don;t worry we'll sort out something.

I stand very firmly within my rights to kick his sorry arse to the curb and leave it there. He does not have the right to reenter the house to collect his things unless I want him to. Even then I can get the police to be here when he does. And did I want to file a report for him being a 'domestically aggressive nuisance?' says the nice lady at the police helpline. Oh and don;t let him back in and really think about filing! says she 'unofficially.'

So here I am after floods of tears (sheesh, get a grip woman) to the police lady and fl;oods of tears after the removal man (blimey! kleenex are going to have to deliver a van load!) thinking that I have been very very very stupid this past year, especially as his 'ex' texted me this afternoon telling me he has been sleeping around constantly but I should be grateful that he keeps coming back to ME! And that 'this is just him, like it or not it's just the way he is' and if I loved him I would just take him back and get on with things as normal! Cheee-rist!!! Have I been lucky.

Of to STD clinic first thing next week and fingers crossed!!!!!! As well as knees!

trillian
Huge, enormous, grateful thanks for kick up the bum and comments.! Thank you. [hug]
paranoid
His daughter already knows what he is like, sadly, but it is hard when you are ten to do much about it! But thank you anyway.
nancy
Seriously?? Really seriously. NEITHER DID I!!! Glad I found them from somehwere. [phew]
pingviner
(great name btw!) A good nights sleeep? Haven't had one in years! Lol'd but it's the thought hat counts huh? The council will just laugh, but whatever happens will so what else can I do but put my hands up and take whatever they dish out. cest la vie!
Idrank
(another great name!) His things never got unpacked. So no probs there. Anyway it's not mmy problem as the removal men will ahve to sort that out! Poor guys. Don't envy them when they get there. Ouch. My ears'll be smarting from all the way over here!
auntyitaly
All I can say is: SPOT ON. All of your post. All of it. [big hugs]
caramel
You really know what you are talking about! What quals do you have?? Sounds like some sort of degree in there to me. Bit like him, only his is in reverse and up his own arse. Damn him and his NLP and whatever else he has. Twisted. Too twisted. No chance whatsoever of me changing my mind. It's done. I'm done. What's the saying fool me once shame on me? Well it's third time unlucky and he's the idiot looking stupid at the end of it all. I should put out a public health warrant on him!
drlove
It's gooten to me too! And always has. but all along? I'm being unreasonable! He is twisted. It's deeply sad. But thank you for your post. Oooo, chucking it out the window?? Nah, too messy. cahnces are he'd leave it there. It would be very satisfying. Do you think I could justtify an' accidental' setting fire tio his 'replica 1 12th scale models of the titanic' they are aboth VERY wooden!!!!? Burn well i Think!
Oh and the hair is very ISH. but then mine always are for a few weeks and then they turn out ok.lol
buda
I don;t have any relatives here. My brother lives in spain and it's only my mum after that. Small clan over here. The rest still live in Oz. But the police ahve said that they can be here when he does. I'm hoping the removal will just do it. can't afford it but really don;t want him coming round and scaring the children.

Sigh. Off to cook for 'starving' children. Honestly! Do they really need feeding alll that regularly????

Thanks everyone and sorry if I missed anybody out personally! Terribly blonde and just a little stressed out! Forgive me??

XX

OP posts:
GrumpyMoo · 01/05/2009 17:30

god my typing skill are rubbish!!! honestly sorry!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/05/2009 17:46

Congratulations, and welcome to the rest of your life!

drlove8 · 01/05/2009 17:48

well done grumpy, proud of you, >. WAS INSPIRED that you checked with the police about your rights! hope goes well with your check up .......you could be nasty and tell him he has to get checked for a std, make sure your scratching at the time! lol

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/05/2009 17:49

Nah, text the ex re the itching.

Ok, no, that's just descending to his level.

Poppity · 01/05/2009 18:30

Wow, just read through this thread and wanted to give you a cheer, well done!

drlove8 · 01/05/2009 18:42

oldlady your probably right,

Buda · 01/05/2009 21:11

Well done my girl! Onwards and upwards!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 01/05/2009 21:56

Oh well done! Congratulations. Have a lovely bank holiday weekend with NO COCKLODGER to worry about.

dittany · 01/05/2009 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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