to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

[cheesedoff2]

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
2. The fact he disappeared to text her
3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

Oh wow that's crap cheesedoff2

Speaking from experience I would be very concerned about the friendship with her, the secrecy regarding the texts (and the frequency of said texts tbh) and the "evening pass" thing which could mean they've spoken about you in a less that flattering way.

Can I ask how is your relationship with your DH at the minute? Is there anything wrong in your relationship that could lead him to maybe seek advice/comfort/excitement elsewhere?

Optimistically maybe her dh is draconian? maybe its just little joe between them?
Maybe they have gone past the social stiffness of the car sharing and now have a laugh?

My friends dh drives my sons to school(he works nearby)I was always a little wary of him he isnt very 'jolly' and she is a new friend ...however 6 months down the line he has my facebook addy I torment him dreadfully sometimes we walk our dogs together(my dh thinks this is odd).

or perhaps they re in the initial stages of flirting??

either way its secretive and deceitfuul and hurting your feelings - tell him that!!.

Buttefly and Bunny - I dont know her well but she seems a bit odd. What got me was exactly as you said - why use the language 'evening pass' unless you had had some private joke before ? Why not just say 'are you able to get away tomorrow night'. Which in itself is odd - I mean a Sunday night FFS. Why was she such a saddo to be working sat night and then want to work sunday night ? Have met her husband once and he seemed nice.

ps - Bunny, relationship Ok although not enough sex

you could be worrying over nothing. he probably was being secretive because he's fed up of you constantly asking 'who are you texting, who are you texting' etc. maybe he just wanted 5 mins to send the message alone without any interruptions (sounds fairly innocent to me).

they have to be in touch anyway for work related reasons, but if you are really concerned I'd confront him about it.

feckit, i don't constantly ask who he is texting though ? I only asked this time as he is self confessed an appalling communicator and it is very unlike him to text someone on a sunday morning so early !

Perhaps he didn't want to spoil the museum trip if he senses you are uncomfortable about her?

Why don't you tell him you're a bit pissed off and why? There shouldn't be any need to be available to colleaues outside of work: why not ask him to just ignore some of the texts and deal with whatever it was on monday morning? That's how the rest of the world operates. Maybe she loves being a workaholic, but he's got a family. Maybe she's trying to get close to him? If you can just talk to him properly, he might see the sense in quietly backing off from her a bit.

BitofFun, the odd thing is she has a family too who are young ( 5 and 3) I think, yet you would never guess it as when she is not at work she seems to be working at home (IYSWIM). I did ask him about it and he totally flew off the handle and said I was over reacting. I asked him why he had disappeared to text and he said he hadn't until I pointed out we had been together every other minute of the outing and his sent items showed he texted her when he slipped off. he didn't like that.

Maybe she's asked him to work at a weekend before and he was too scared to say 'no' outright (relatively new job, trying to make good impression on new boss) so he said he couldn't go because you didn't let him. Just the first excuse that came to his head so he didn't look bad.

Now, she's sending him messages like that, and he doens't want you to see that he's accidently demonised you?

hi ditzy, she's not his boss, just a colleague on the 'management' team. Maybe it is as you suggest but who not just be open and honest and talk about it or rather LAUGH about someone who is such a workaholic

Hmm, he does seem a bit defensive. How about trying to bring it up again this evening when you are sitting down together? Like "Look, I know this nearly turned into an argument before, and I don't want that, but I'm a bit scared that you're pulling back from me and that this woman is overstepping the normal work boundaries a bit...can't you see that it would make me feel a bit upset darling? What do you think is going on with her? Could she be feeling a bit bored in her marriage or something? It seems odd to me" etc etc, then stop and just let him talk. Listen to him, and keep listening even if he tries to shut you up by getting defensive. If you keep quiet but just look patiently at him, he will more than likely start to fill in some blanks, and you'll get a better feeling of what is going on.

It would be my instinct that she is bored at home and has latched onto your husband a bit. You can squash it now, but he needs to know you are aware of it. If you can be direct but affectionate with him, you can get him onside in a "you and me against the world" feeling, which will undermine her attempts to create a cosy partnership between the two of them...

Hth

Bitoffun, you are right but last night he was so angry and really blew his top. We are still not speaking. AIBU to want to stop them sharing lifts ( it is twice a day most days) ?

I think the "evening pass" bit is the worst bit tbh. It's really quite nasty and clearly aimed at implying to your dh that he's under the thumb. Can you think of a term to use (in a jokey way of course {wink}) when you refer to her? Perhaps call her Ms Ballbreaker? Or refer to her dh as a doormat...?

Susie, you are so right. I think I flared up so much once I saw that. Being a sensitive SAHM and her a ball breaker, I read into it that DH had implied I was a witch and that he was under the thumb . That fucks me off as in a previous life pre children I was very succesful. But she had denounced family life and raising children for her job, 24/7.

Go with gut instinct, it seems like something is starting to happen between them!

Cheesed - I wouldn't be at all surprised if your dh hasn't said anything about needing a pass and that it all came from her. She's probably the "dangerous" one here rather than your dh iyswim.

I think most people realise that in a marriage, most men are 'under the thumb'. that's how they are perceived (by some). so for this colleague of his, she was just making a joke out of his homelife situation. not meaning any harm. I've had that kind of remark but I can laugh it off easily, and don't feel upset by it because I know many people have that opinion of a wife/girlfriend.

People flare up like that when they're hiding an affair or a potential affair is the sad bottom line to this. Why not ask him to ask her over to youir house to talk through whatever it is in term sof work with you present passing them a cup of tea. TYhey can hardly object to that if it's just a work thing.

Could be something or nothing but about the "evening pass" thing - I have heard (and used) that expression loads of times, often used by my female friends to one another - as in "can you get an evening pass to go out on whatever night" don't read too much into that particular phrase on its own - when I use it, I certainly don't mean that my mates are under the thumb, tis just a joky expression!

It is the secrecy from your dh that I would be worried about tbh.

Xenia has a good point. You also need to let her know that you are cool with it all (even though it is hard). Imagine them sharing a lift to work and she's saying "I do hope I didn't get you into trouble by texting you..." .

Invite her and her family over for Sunday lunch - see what they say.

Xenia - what you say is what I fear. Bella, I use the phrase too with my friends as in 'I've earnt a pass for a night out'. But what level of familiarity are they at that she feels she has the right to say that about me ? I dont feckin know her and nor do I want to.

You don't sound like you like him working long hours, especially not with this women. So he's probably trying to hide that he's thinking of work during the weekend. We have friends like this - her DH (my DH's best friend) is addicted to his blackberry and it annoys his DW intensely. As a result, he's always sneaking off to check it (and no, he's not having an affair - he's just very senior in a very busy work environment and feels he needs to be more available than his wife wants him to be).

I agree with Xenia though that the weird thing is that he seems to have overreacted to your questions. Although are you sure this is really the only time you've asked him about this - you admit you check his phone etc?

I know that with DH and I, if I have to work on the weekends, he doesn't mind it and he accepts it, but it does annoy him a bit when I'm tapping away at my blackberry. And I feel the same - I get very irritated when he leaves work during the week and then has to do it on a Sunday evening.

Also, I know this is hard, but she's a work colleague. You wouldn't think any of this if she was another man. They get a lift together. They'r on the same management team. They are probably "allies" at work as well as colleagues. Doesn't mean they're shagging.