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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

167 replies

cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 14:53

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

  1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
  2. The fact he disappeared to text her
  3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

OP posts:
morningpaper · 21/04/2009 09:53

seeing off possible slappers is protecting my children

OMG you don't trust your husbands AT ALL do you? Do you stand around guarding the Wild Cock at all times of day and night? It sounds EXHAUSTING

sleeplessinstretford · 21/04/2009 09:54

junglist- you could probably have a fight in the street to make your point even more vociferously...
you can't make someone love you or stay with you if they don't want to.
One person cannot love enough for two if the other partner is not comitted.
Relationships should be a choice,I don't agree with all this 'predatory woman' bollocks- i do see a lot of needy women trying to own their partners though and snooping etc. It's not a particularly dignified way to behave.

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 21/04/2009 09:55

i would be pissed off if i was constantly asked who i was texting. i would be thoroughly fucked off if you went down my phone.
it sounds as though your looking for things that aren't there.

maybe he knows you are very jealous and so he is attempting to save himself the agro of telling you its all about work and not to worry.

you have trust issues. thats the problem here, not his texting a colleague about work.

junglist1 · 21/04/2009 09:59

It's not exactly that I expect him to cheat, but he is very dopey and can't read signals at all. For example I fell out with a female neighbour and he waved at it. Just because he didn't know how to act with the situation. I was then left looking like a prat, because it appeared to her that I was in the wrong. So if anyone was to bat their eyelids, he wouldn't have the awareness to put a stop to it.

goodnightmoon · 21/04/2009 10:00

i trust my husband but i do not trust random single women who like texting him. or married ones for that matter.

it is perfectly rational to try to nip the nurturing of these extracurricular relationships that can often lead to no good.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 10:01

< hands junglist a spade >

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 21/04/2009 10:03

"he waved at it"

so your husband is such a sex god that every female in teh world throws themselves at him?

and he is such a plank that one flash of a nipple and he'll just jump aborad?

either he is a noboid or you have issues dear.

my money's on the latter

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 10:03

It really isn't perfectly rational to micro-manage your husband's life because you believe that your husband is too stupid / weak not to fuck another woman accidentally

honest

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 10:04

I have to go with MP and SGB on this one. Seemed like a fairly clear case of a workaholic trying to drag your DH into work stuff on the weekend, which is annoying---but then somehow she's a predatory slapper who's out to wreck your marriage? Seems like quite a big leap IMO.

Glad you've had the talk anyway, and that you seem to have focused more on the fact that you'd like him to keep work stuff out of the weekend.

dorothygale · 21/04/2009 10:05

I am glad some sanity has emerged. Texting a work colleague about work doesn't always an indicate an affair. Texting someone of the opposite sex doesn't always indicate an affair.
I have to frequently use my blackberry at weekends and evenings - and end up using it sneakily so my DP can't see as he finds it intrusive- most of the people I "talk" to are the opposite sex - he has never checked my blackberry - I would be furious if he did.

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 21/04/2009 10:05

Or maybe you could accept thatnto all women are sex hungry vixens and are perfectly capable of talking to a man without dropping their undies.

by making a fuss of some innocent texts your encouraging him to conceal them. thats far more dangerous than just ignoring them

goodnightmoon · 21/04/2009 10:06

MP - i think you are naive. do you really think most work affairs are the result of two people setting out to deceive their partners?

sleeplessinstretford · 21/04/2009 10:06

ha ha ha anyfucker
junglist-you are beginning to frighten me a little and not in the kind of way i think you'd like to frighten people...

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 10:06

No goodnightmoon but neither do I think that most Board meetings result in unbridled orgies

junglist1 · 21/04/2009 10:08

And at the end of the day the woman that wanted to go dog walking with my man was drunk out of her mind in the middle of the afternoon cuddling up to 2 men on a park bench, when her friend walked past and called her the men were laughing and saying oh is that your name. Would any of you allow yes allow your bloke to associate with that? Seriously? Well not me, and she has never darkened my door since, so good on me, in my opinion obviously.

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 10:08

@morning paper

goodnightmoon · 21/04/2009 10:10

yawn

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 10:10

junglist, your partner doesn't have the sense to stay away from this person himself?

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 21/04/2009 10:10

so she is a drunken slapper.
and??

why does that mean that your Dh is so pathetic he couldn't have the good sense to say "no thanks"

I'd quite happily let Dp chat away with her. because i KNOW that he'd come home, dignity in tact adn we'd laugh together about what a state she was in.

if there are no problems in your own relationship and your both happy why would he need to jump on any woman that lets him?
and if you honestly believe he would then i suggest you let him go

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 10:11

Junglist: How long have you been married? Unless your husband is a serious masochist with unhealthy dependency issues I can't imagine it will be for much longer.

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 10:12

yes there is a big difference between saying "Hello, would you like to go dog walking in the afternoon with this six-pack of cider?" and "Can you help me finish this bid?"

I think

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 10:12

junglist, you do really seem a bit unhinged

do you normally refer to people as "it" and "that"?

I agreed earlier in this thread that the OP should speak to her husband about nipping this inapproprite behaviour in the bud, but there are ways and means to do that without looking like a mad woman

junglist1 · 21/04/2009 10:17

I'm not saying he can't talk to her, and I'm not saying he would jump on her. I'm also not saying every woman who sends a text to a man is after something. But you only have to read through the threads on here to see how common it is. Facebook, texting and so on does cause issues, and I have enough on my plate without having to worry about this sort of thing. So, don't let anything develop in the first place. I respect myself as the mother of his children,and yes I realise I sound like I'm marking out my territory. I am!

junglist1 · 21/04/2009 10:20

Only it and that because I don't like the people, anybody else is him or her. I am a little mad actually.

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 10:20

Well, by that argument, you could say "You can read on here that men who have affairs eat dinner every day!"

Well yes, but so do men who DON'T have affairs. That's just normal life.

Sorry but you sound like you have a very strange idea of men and could do with something more exciting in your life to focus on