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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

167 replies

cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 14:53

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

  1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
  2. The fact he disappeared to text her
  3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

OP posts:
SamsMama · 20/04/2009 17:57

Definitely keep us posted! I don't know that I'd use the phrase "worried", as it might imply that you're insecure? Which of course I would be in your situation. When I had this issue I tried to explain it to my husband as "if I had a male friend you didn't know at all" and he understood. I'm sure that's a big part of it- you don't know this woman from Adam's housecat. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Portofino · 20/04/2009 18:03

Hmmm. It would be the "furtiveness" I would be unhappy with. If it's genuine work stuff then why bother to hide it? My DH doesn't really do a lot of texting, though when the footie's on his phone beeps continually.

The way he has blown up about this makes him seem very defensive. Hope your evening goes OK and you can get to the bottom of things....

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 18:11

SamsMama, yes, I need to play it cool. I am not insecure and never have been but I am shocked he lied to me. That's the bit that really upset me. Urrgh. Dreading later. Portofino, thanks for your good luck vibes !

OP posts:
Limara · 20/04/2009 18:19

Maybe he's defensive about her because he might be embarrased at your suggestion of fancying someone who is unnatractive?

By the sounds of it, she is craving male attention. I'd pop over and see her DH, go and have a cuppa with him.

CountessDracula · 20/04/2009 18:19

I am with xenia on this
there is something going on (I don't mean anything physical)
He would NOT lie and hide his texting from you if he felt nothing for her!

I would keep a close eye on it

CountessDracula · 20/04/2009 18:21

how is his self-esteem?
Has anything happened to make him extra-susceptible to some nice ego-massaging?
(eg is he having a hard time at work, feeling undervalued etc. Or have you a fairly young child who is taking your attention from him?)

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 18:30

Countess, no, nothing I can think of. DC are 4 and 2 and not demanding too much attention. Do males need an excuse to have their egos massaged though ?!!

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 20/04/2009 18:32

No of course not!
I just htought if he had previously not been like this and had suddenly started this up then there could be some underlying reason.

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 18:34

i know what you mean, but no, nothing I can think of. Work is stressful but that's always been the case.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/04/2009 18:35

Texting has a lot to bloody answer for doesn't it?
I've never sent a text in me life.

GracieGrace · 20/04/2009 18:37

cd this SO rings a bell wiht our mutual doesnt it?

Portofino · 20/04/2009 18:38

Like Xenia said {ish) she might be buttering him up and he's enjoying the attention. He might feel a bit guilty about that hence the furtiveness. It doesn't mean a full on affair though. Sounds like you've just noticed this too, so hopefully any issues can be "nipped in the bud".

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 18:40

exactly - who invented texting !!!

OP posts:
SusieDerkins · 20/04/2009 18:42

I suspect she's desparately unhappy and is loving the thrill of this friendship with your dh.

When you talk to him can you perhaps say that you're concerned that she's obviously very unhappy in her marriage/homelife and you wouldn't want him to get dragged into it? Or that you really love your time with him at the weekend but just because she's working all weekend to escape her husband/children doesn't mean that he has to do the same? Or that you wouldn't want people at his work to be gossiping about them? Perhaps adopting an approach along the lines of "I'm concerned about you (because I think she has the hots for you)" might work better than "I'm scared you are having an affair"

junglist1 · 20/04/2009 19:01

If I was you I'd get your nose right into this whole thing. I hate all this male/ female texting lark, to the point where a female friend of my partners male friend texted about a dog walk and I told her to fuck right off, and that MY MAN will walk the dogs WITH ME AND OUR CHILDREN. No way would I ever put myself in the position of being disrespected by some slapper.
Your situation is work related, so don't lose the plot like me. Just make yourself known, be there. Would it be convient for you to ask for a lift somewhere when she gets him for work, or does this clash with the school run? Could you meet him at work for lunch sometimes? Or tell your bloke you've heard some disgusting things about her, make out you are concerned about her etc. Something that will really put him off her.
Remember the best way of protecting yourself is ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 19:04

Susie you're right, and junglist1, I love your approach. Lets see if it comes to that !

OP posts:
junglist1 · 20/04/2009 19:05

Oh by the way not suggesting they are definetely at it, more thinking along the lines of putting her in her place

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 19:07

I am definitely feeling the need to assert myself !

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 20/04/2009 19:12

I think a slap round the head with a large, dead fish should do the trick

Portofino · 20/04/2009 19:21

What time is he due home? Take a deep breath and be calm!

Say that you don't want to fall out with him, but that you're not happy with him secretly texting work colleagues over the weekend. Tell him you are happy to support him in his career, and of course she is welcome to pop over for a cuppa if she REALLY needs to discuss work things on a Sunday night - if it is urgent. Otherwise he really shouldn't feel the need to hide things from you. After all, he doesn't want you to start thinking he is having an affair does he?

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 19:26

Portofino - I love it ! Am mentally comitting some of these lines to memory !
But I also like the large dead fish. Over the crinkly scrunch dry hair.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 20/04/2009 19:34

Who was it you didn't realise knew her? A local mum, wasn't it? What kind of person would go to a restaurant when they knew they had a tummy bug, and proceed to brown themselves at the table? Eeergh!

goodnightmoon · 20/04/2009 19:45

I agree with Portofino's approach. (though enjoying Junglist's, and do agree with early attacks.)

unfortunately the overwhelming factor in the majority of affairs is proximity. It doesn't sound at all like an affair is going on here, but I am on my toes whenever DH mentions any female colleague. (very few in his line of work, but that may not be a good thing - novelty value!)

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 20/04/2009 22:37

Oh by all means follow junglist's approach if you want him to decide you are a childish bunny boiler...

junglist1 · 20/04/2009 22:48

How can a mans partner and mother of children be a bunny boiler? Obviously with my approach she would put him off her without letting on her suspicions. Not childish, but manipulative and clever. There's no point confronting him right now, he might not have done anything yet. The OP needs to step on the woman before any damage is done, as she has every right to.