to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

[cheesedoff2]

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
2. The fact he disappeared to text her
3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

sometimes though supporting others can be a mechanism for deferring your own problems and making you feel strong - I do this too. It's great that you can be there for other people, but you do need to focus on your own situation too IMO. Do you really need to tolerate being abused until you finish your degree? Is there no other way?

Sorry to be intrusive, but your post made me

Maybe I don't want to abused and cheated on? That's doubly crap!!

wow for someone who claims to respect themself you have a odd way of showing it.

Don't worry ladies you are all really nice but I'm fine. I don't even feel sad seriously, because I know my future won't be like this. I might start a new thread soon.

If I was being abused, I think I'd encourage my H to get a relationship elsewhere - maybe he'd leave me alone.

Although really, I'd just leave.

I agree with others here - you don't respect yourself or him if you think this kind of behaviour is okay. Or others - if H is not much of a prize, why would you think other women would want him?

Junglist, this is a horribly unhealthy way to live. You are damaging yourself with this attitude, nearly as much as your worthless partner is damaging you. Good relationships are not about treating other people as property and living in an atmosphere of constant suspicion and insecurity. Please get some help and good advice to get rid of your partner - who cares if he goes and lives with the pissheads in the park, it sounds like no more than he deserves.

blimey - just back from being out and this thread had really kicked off ! For what it's worth I feel very relaxed after my chat with my husband and that's mostly to advice received off her. I do and always have trusted my husband but in that radar kind of way I thought this colleague was being a bit of a pain. I also didn't like the language she used. My priority is protecting my lovely family which can be blown apart by others with less than great intentions. Not saying that's the case here, but there are far too many instances of it in my wider cirle of friends to dismiss is as 'it will never happen to us'. Women's intuition is a very powerful thing and in this instance I felt a bit uneasy.
I am not controlling, snooping or paranoid or whatever else I have been accused of.

oh and BTW Dh has has texted millions of work colleagues, male and female over the years but a female collegue sending texts at 11pm on a saturday night and requesting to meet on a sunday night ( for absolutely no reason as the work was not urgent) is what set off my antenae.

Hi cheesedoff (less so now eh) am glad you feel better, and especially glad your man has agreed to ignore weekend texts. I'm sure he wouldn't want to fall out with you over this, and it's nice that you are now a united front against any possible eyelid batting!

cheesed, you did absolutely the right thing to sort it out

womens radars are pretty fantastic at picking up when something is not quite right, who knows what further strain your marriage may have been put under if you stuck your head in the sand

in a mutually-supportive relationship, this should be all that it takes (a chat, a "heads-up" as it were) so that everyone knows where they stand

junglist, I feel very sorry for you, your life sounds pretty restricted. If you want some advice, start a thread, or join one of the abuse threads. I could not live like you profess to do

there is a middle ground and I am a great believer in being upfront if something is bothering you

9 times out of 10, it was a misunderstanding, or your bloke just doesn't realise how much something is unsettling you and creating a vicious circle of trust issues

in a healthy r'ship, you should be able to be honest about these things

Thanks,I agree. This is the first time we've had anything like this and I do feel united now. I have been thinking things through more and I think most of my issues lied with her rather than my husband ( timing of texts,wanting to meet up, the 'evening pass' thing) rather than my husband trying to batt her off secretly which I can understand more now we have talked about it.

I wouldn't like it, at the very least I would be suspicious of her motives.
Some women give opportunities to men to moan about their wives as a way of flattering them and also implying that it is not a normal/nice way for the wife to behave (ie, they would never do that) iyswim?
I would have to speak to him about it and make it very clear that I wasn't happy and it made me feel uncomfortable.
Some men avoid dealing with this kind of thing even when it is innocent as they would rather not have the confrontation. It might be that they have a jokey flirty but innocent (in his mind) relationship which he knows you wouldn't like, but doesn't know how he can extricate himself and relate to her differently.
Whatever is happening, he knows you won't like it or he wouldn't have hidden it. Ask him, he is being a bit of a coward imo.

Ooops, missed the last pages! Glad you sorted it

great minds, poppity

Glad it's worked out. And thast kind of late night stuff usually does mean someone, male or female, is after the other one. I've known far too many people (male and female) doing this kind of thing a few who confide in me.

I know exactly how u feel cheesedoff. EXACTLY!

Im glad you spoke to him about all of it. But you say he blew his lid? Not a good thing... DP always blew his lid when i found texts from another female. It turned out that he thought I didnt give him enough attention and I ignored him (birth trauma a result) but we didnt know this till we chatted. Men just cant say No, even if they dont want the other woman.

Just keep the communication barriers open and each time you feel a bit miffed, tell him. They hate not been told how you feel. If he dismissed your feeling altogether, forget it, hes obviously too wrapped up in his secret life.

My Dp never wanted me to find out about them...but I ALWAYS did.

Have you both been througha stressful time lately?