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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

167 replies

cheesedoff2 · 20/04/2009 14:53

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

  1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
  2. The fact he disappeared to text her
  3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2009 22:51

if there is any stepping-on to be done, I think it is the dh who needs pulling right up, and sharply (but then I am a no-nonsense kinda person who will not sneak around or wait to gather "evidence")

I agree with your upfront approach junglist, I just think you would be targeting the wrong person

junglist1 · 20/04/2009 22:54

Maybe,but it seemed the collegue was being a bit over familiar with the evening pass joke, and sometimes men can't read a womans intentions like another woman can. So step on her just in case

AnyFucker · 20/04/2009 22:58

ok then junglist, they both need a heads-up, but the DH needs it more

I would also have to say something to the woman, just so she knew that I had her number, but I would make it very subtle, in the way that only women can communicate IYSWIM

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/04/2009 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

junglist1 · 20/04/2009 23:05

good idea, because the last thing that should happen now is for the OP and her H to fall out. Women can cause havoc while coming across as innocence itself, and the colleague will definetely pick up on any subtle piss off signals.

Judy1234 · 20/04/2009 23:06

She doesn't sound like a therat but you can never quite tell. It isn't always the youngest prettiest shorted skirt wearing girl in the office that is found attractive but I still don't think it's likely. They may just be getting on really well. Emotional affairs are more damaging than a quick bit of sex in the office though and you need to ensure they haven't got too close in terms of confiding in each other such that it's a threat.

Portofino · 21/04/2009 05:49

What happened CheesedOff? Hope all is OK?

AliceMumma · 21/04/2009 06:30

I have just posted a thread only 5 minits ago along the same lines!!!

But my DH never lies about it, he was the one who told me what she texted.

Lieing about it is dodgy, he feels like he has something to hide obviously. Apparently a huge percetage of affairs start a) between opposite sex friends and b)in the workplace.

(Im not saying this would happen to you, or that your DH is like that, just stating the facts)

I would nip this in the bud, and tell him to make her call the landline if she urgently needs to speak to him.

If she is a successful lady with a SAHD at home, and your hubby is a successful man, i could easily see how she would start fancying him, specially if they spend alot of time together and joke around etc. You need to keep an eye on this one!!!!!!!!

jellybeans · 21/04/2009 06:55

Alarm bells would be ringing fo me. Hope noithing i going on but I would be very suspicious. YANBU.

Original poster
cheesedoff2 · 21/04/2009 08:07

morning all. So, we had a civilised discussion. I used a lot of Portofino's lines. I have no concern there is anything going on between them or that he wants anything to go on between them, however he admitted that she is a workaholic and texts at weekend are out of order. I requested that any texts sent at weekend be ignored. If it was an emergency, after all, she would ring and leave a message. But to be honest, their work is not the type to get 'emergencies'. I said that her family life is obviously very different to ours and who knows what state it is in - but that I didn't want her and her texts intruding on our weekends. He said he replied to her in secret as he thought I would be really pissed off and it would spoil our weekend if I knew they were texting. He probably has a point to be fair. I asked why not just be open and honest and make a joke like 'oh god, x is so sad, she has ben working all sat night and now wants to meet today to talk it all through - no way !' or words to that effect.
My concern is that DH can be quiet naive about people's intentions and because she is married with kids it would never cross his mind that she might have untoward intentions. I told him how I found the 'evening pass' thing a bit odd and strange language to use ( not strange from man to man or woman to woman but female to male colleague odd IMO). He agreed it wasn't the best phrase for her to use but said they never discuss each other's partners or particulary home life beyone a superficial what did you do this weekend level.
I totally agree with what some of you say. She doesn't need to be a supermodel to be attractive and his brains and success might be an aphrodisiac to her ?! Just working together regulary and intensely can set off the most unlikely of couplings. But, I am more calm and I look forward to a text from her at the weekend that will be totally ignored ! AliceMumma - off to read your post now !

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 21/04/2009 08:32

i think you are being unreasonable you know?you reckon you aren't draconian but you check his phone and ask who he's texting and now don't want him to get a lift to work with her? I have many male friends, i spend most days with my friends dh as he's a sahd-i think i text him as often if not more often as i text her, occasionally i'll even put an 'x'on it (unthinkingly) I don't have any designs on him, we get on really well and are joining a reading group together (which will mean us socializing alone,together,at night,without the children or our partners) it's really not that big of a deal..yabu

SusieDerkins · 21/04/2009 09:17

Cheesed - it sounds like it all went really really well. I'll bet you feel really relieved to get it out in the open and clear the air.

Well done - great work!

Portofino · 21/04/2009 09:22

Well done cheesedoff!

izyboy · 21/04/2009 09:30

Yeah I agree nip this one in the bud and watch like a hawk. She needs to know that you are keen to ptotect your relationship and when used in the correct context being protective of your relationship can send positive vibes to your partner. See off the preditory female now.

izyboy · 21/04/2009 09:33

'pass out' was a term someone I knew used when he knew he was going to so something a bit covert that he didnt want his partner to know about. So consciously or sunconsciously she knew she was asking for something not on the level.

izyboy · 21/04/2009 09:34

I haven't got my contact lenses in yet so my spelling is off sos.

TangoFango · 21/04/2009 09:35

cheesedoff i think you did the right thing
Texting is intrusive and if it is work related, it can wait. If it is not it is intrusive on your family time and should stop.

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 09:40

Sorry but you all sound mad to me

I text colleagues at all hours of the day as does DH (not FREQUENTLY but any time) - and yes I am surrepticious if it is during "family time" because I feel guilty for texting about work matters when I'm supposed to be off-duty.

My friends and I (female) refer to "evening passes" or "green cards" or "get out of jail free cards" meaning time without the children.

Women in senior management DO tend to be work-a-holics because they HAVE to in order to keep a career because life is sexist.

Sorry but I am baffled by all of this. I really think you all sound controlling and obsessive.

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 09:41

"Yeah I agree nip this one in the bud and watch like a hawk. She needs to know that you are keen to ptotect your relationship and when used in the correct context being protective of your relationship can send positive vibes to your partner. See off the preditory female now."

This is so mad I don't even know where to begin

TangoFango · 21/04/2009 09:44

It's only mad if you are up to now good and you know people can get up to know good. I don't expect you are up to no good MP.

morningpaper · 21/04/2009 09:46

I spend my whole life getting up to no good

But there is a difference between being up to no good and working

SusieDerkins · 21/04/2009 09:47

But there's also a line to be drawn when it comes to interfering in other people's family lives at the weekend. If it's a necessity then fair enough. If she is doing it because she's bored/is desparate to spend time with Cheesed's dh then it's not on.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 09:49

I'm with MP, it all sounds such a grim way to live, all this panic, paranoia, and nasty misogyny (Why shouldn't this woman dress in unfashionable clothes if she wants to?).
And most people get very, very sick of controlling, snoopy, whiny partners who think they are entitled to police all communications: either they walk out of the relationship or they start having affairs anyway because they think that they might as well have some of the fun they are being accused of having.

junglist1 · 21/04/2009 09:50

It's not mad. Some women do throw themselves at married men, and then the real partner is left alone with the children who are wondering where their dad is. You know your texts are innocent which is why you don't understand what we're saying, but the OP wasn't really sure, and in my opinion seeing off possible slappers is protecting my children.

sleeplessinstretford · 21/04/2009 09:51

i worked in a very male world-i was often the only woman in a room-many people hit on me,many times i 'had a little go on them' (desperately unprofessional but hey ho)when i met my boy I never considered doing naughties with anyone else. for me to do that now (and i wouldn't rule it out-thisis the only LTR i've ever been faithful in) i'd have to have a full on mind/body/soul connection-you can't build walls high enough to stop someone cheating-if you set up a climate of fear and distrust then you are riding for a fall-you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb-if you know what i mean.
don't look at his phone/read his emails-have some more respect for yourself and for himself-it's not a case of have penis must use it-he loves you;you've got two kids and a family-he's not your property-he's with you because he chose to be.