to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

[cheesedoff2]

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
2. The fact he disappeared to text her
3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

makes a sign of the cross and steps away from junglist bless you my child

Junglist, my first thought is, that if you were a bloke, everyone would be saying that you're being very controlling, and that referring to people as slappers and "it" is abusive - and we'd go on to recommend that your dw went and found herself a decent bloke!

'marking out my territory'?

did anyone else suddenly have an image of a woman making a trail of pee around 'her man'?

I have plenty to be getting on with, believe me. And at the end of the day, do you think my P would cheat on me? No, because he really wouldn't want the hassle from me.

I always piss around my husband before he goes to work

What's abusive is people dumping their families for lust, leaving devastated children behind. That's abusive

sorry,i had to come back here.
junglist-your relationship sounds fucking amazing-this is absolutely the right thread for you to be on...
you seem to have an open,free,loving relationship-where respect is free flowing.I am sure whatever children you have are learning all the time,every day,that to get what you want you just frighten the fuck out of everyone else-i am sure there will be no 'fall out' from your behaviour. lucky lucky 'the junglists'

okay i haven't read right to the end of the thread, but i imagine the reason he's being 'furtive' is in the hope of avoiding just this kind of overreaction!

the kind of behaviour your describing could equally be my dp corresponding with his (male) colleagues. some of whom are more invested in their work than he is and choose to put in extra work out of hours - doesn't mean they're sad frustrated people with no lives who are desperate for his attention

your invasion of his privacy has turned up nothing suspicious at all, all work related, and while the phrase "evening pass" is likely just that, a turn of phrase, it would seem entirely reasonable in this situation to think you are rather controlling.

Managing your relationship through FEAR is abusive.

I wonder if branding the forehead would be more effective? Or perhaps an ear tag? Or one of those shock collars for dogs--if he gets within touching distance of another woman, he gets a surprise!

What about some sort of footwash, like you get in swimming baths, but with my own urine? So he wanders around steeped in the smell of his wife's piss? I'm sure this works for wolves

Wow junglist, I thought women like you had been naturally deselected by the end of the 1950s

My dh would be SHIT scared of you

The state of my relationship is a whole other thread, believe me. I just don't see why I should leave myself wide open to being disrespected. If you all have respect and trust, that's nice, honestly. Not all men respect their women

I'm sorry, but if anyone read my texts/emails I'd be really fucking pissed off. I have male friends and do you know sometimes we have a laugh and a joke and send silly texts/emails - it's just fun.

I think this uptightness, snooping and 'protecting' is borderline abusive. If my DH dictated who I could and couldn't talk to etc I'd pack me bags.

MP, we need to get to Dragon's Den with this straight away. . .

Look, my relationship is abusive, physically abusive, and not from me. Why would I want to keep him from straying, then? Because I don't want any more crap than I already put up with, that's why.

lol have read further now and i see mp got there before me

Junglist, if there is no respect or trust in your relationship, why on earth are you still in it?

Okkkkaaaayyyy...

So Junglist, are you saying your partner is physically abusive to you, and he's also too stupid to keep his cock in his pants without you threatening every woman in your path?

I'd say it's abusive to let this be your children's example of a male-female relationship.

Junglist, he hits you and you police 'other women' - and you're dishing out relationship advice?

Jesus, what planet are you on? If he's physically abusive you should be planning to leave and make a better life.

You sound like you need a lot of help.

junglist, that puts your aggressive manic ranting in a slightly different light

Do think long and hard about what exactly you are desperate to protect - is the environment your relationship creates really best for your children? I don't want to sound too brutal but I really think you need to get some help. Would you start another thread about your own relationship so people can give you advice/support without getting riled by this thread first?

I hope you're OK

I'm only with him until I finish my degree and am able to earn a wage to support myself, believe me. Everyone's relationship dynamics are different, and yes I'm aggressive. Maybe I feel the need to control one aspect of the relationship,because of my own circumstances.

Hi littlesilver am on some abuse threads. I like giving support rather than recieving it, that's my role in life (apart from being a bit nuts obviously!)

If you're planning on leaving him anyway, (and it sounds like you should), why should you care who he talks to? Doesn't sound like there is any respect in either direction in your house.

junglist your story sounds really sad and you sound like you are a in really bad place. Please try to find some real-life support that can perhaps find you a way out of your situation. It would be FAR better to rely on benefits than to rely on a man who is abusive towards you. Please find yourself some wise advice from somewhere. x