to be p***** off with husband for furtive texts with colleague ?

[cheesedoff2]

DH and I have a generally very good relationship. He is agood husband and a great father. He started a new job 6 months and has quite a senior position. He works on a team with another senior lady who is similar aged to us ( mid 30's). She lives pretty close to us and gives him a lift to work most days. Her husband stays at home to look after their children. Anyway, they text quite a lot as they need to ascertain whether she is giving him a lift the next day. So, for e.g he will text her to ask if he can have a lift and she'll reply.Being nosey I occasionally look at his mobile phone and noticed over the last couple of months that they have exchanged texts not related to lifts - for example he has texted her to say good luck with x meeting and she has texted him on various things. Anyway, yesterday we went to a museuum together and I saw him doing something with his mobile and I said 'Oh who are you texting' as I didn't know who he would be texting at 9.30 on a sunday morning. He said he wasn't texting and he was just switching his phone to silent. We had a nice time in the museum and at one point he said 'Oh, I really want to look at this thing' and darted off to a seperate area for a few minutes. I had the sense he was up to something. Anyway, when we got home I looked at his mobile and she had sent him a text at 10.50pm on saturday night saying ' I have just spent 3 hours working on xyz and wondered if you could get an evening pass tomorrow ( Sunday) to talk it through'.
DH had obviously received this message as we were walking to the museum when I asked him who he was texting. From his sent items I could then see that he had replied at 10.35am ( when he had gone off on his own at the museum) saying that he could not make it but why didnt they go to work really early on Monday at 06.30 to go through it. She had then replied to say could they make it 7am.

So, here are my issues (AIBU ?)

1. The furtive nature of the texts and the fact he lied about texting
2. The fact he disappeared to text her
3. The fact that she was so bloody rude to say could he get an 'evening pass' like I am some draconian wife who never lets husband out. This is so far from the truth as I am very relaxed

Thoughts please, quickly, as I am going loopy replaying it all in my mind

Bling, I have the crackberry thing as well - don't really mind that as can see it is an efficient way to deal with a few emails. He works at home once or twice a week until midnight.Prior to this job he worked away Monday - Thursday every week for 2.5yrs during which I had 2 babies so I really dont mind him working hard !

does your dh know you check/checked his phone?or do you do that secretly?
seems like it could be indicative of bigger problems with regards to trust/privacy which migt explain why he didn't just tell you what he was doing and who he was texting.

Bling, having thought about it a lot I dont think they are shagging but what I am worrried about it that one or both them want that to happen. Otherwise why lie and be furtive ?

mayorquimby - I've looked at his phone in front of him and without him there. I know this is not great, hands up to that.

He's probably being furtive because he knows what it looks like and that it will upset you. Also, if she's accusing him of being under the thumb he will want to prove to her (sad male ego thing) that he's not and that he can text her back.

Would she know that you check his phone?

CHeesedoff, are you generally a bit of a snooper? Or does your DH have a history of playing away? Because if you are very paranoid about Other Women this is very hard for a not-cheating partner to live with long term. He may start being secretive about communications, not because there is anything flirty about them, but because he is thinking 'I'll just not tell Cheesedoff, she'll only start whining again'

Susie - I see your point. What gets to me as well ( regardless of that fact its her) is that she feels its Ok to text about work and request meeting at the weekend.

Well, DH doesn't like me having male friends at work and it makes him uncomfortable - even though he knows that's ridiculous. You obviously feel the same about your DH with female friends at work.

The problem is that the time you spend with people at work, the intensity of working together on big/difficult/pointless projects, shared experiences (especially the horrible ones - clients that annoy you, wanker bosses etc) does create a certain intimacy, which is fine when it's same sex, but that adds some confusion for man/woman work relationships, no matter how innocent you know at heart they are.

I have conversations with a good male colleague that are absolutely NO different to similar conversations with femail colleagues but... somehow I feel uncomfortable with it.

Cheesedoff- exactly! You don't like her being in touch at weekends. DH knows this. He's probably said something like, "my wife isn't wild about me working at weekends" and so she knows it too. And now, to work at weekends like this, he gets all furtive about it.

Bling, I know what you mean - I worked in investment banking for 10 years and had some very close relationships with men due to male dominated arena and long hours worked. I never texted them outside of work though and certainly not at the weekend ?

why doesnt he just ignore her bloody texts at weekends !

you could just say to your DH that you don't want him texting her again. end of. if he isn't happy about this then Xenia could have a point about something more sinister going on...

if he needs to arrange transport could he not just phone her in front of you, then arrange it then just hang up?

well if i had a partner who checked my phone behind my back (which would honestly probably be a deal-breaker for me when i'd done nothing wrong) then i would definitely be secretive about my communications out of frustration if i felt i was being checked up on or accused of something.
it's not honest and it's not nice (nor is his lying to you about texts etc) but i can see why he'd do it even if there's nothing going on with his colleague, because to me it would feel like i was constantly being nagged or as though i needed permission to communicate with someone so a natural reaction for many would be to just not tell you about any communications as they reckon it will only lead to nagging or a pointless argument.

feckit, I'd like to say that but then I really would sound like a bloody dragon wouldn't I ?!

"you could just say to your DH that you don't want him texting her again. end of. if he isn't happy about this then Xenia could have a point about something more sinister going on..."

that's such controlling behaviour though.
how would people on this board react if a woman posted saying her husband was demanding that she no longer texted a male colleague she was friends with because he was uncomfortable with even though nothing was going on?
well i know exactly how i'd react anyway, i'd tell her that her husband was being a controlling paranoid dick and that she can be friends with who she wants.

mayor also has a point (which I've made previously) about the nagging thing. I check DH's phone in full view of him, I do it very obviously (not behind his back) just to wind him up because he asks why I'm checking his phone and I say 'oh, just to see who you've been texting recently - what's this msg from another woman? who's this?' when he hasn't been sending any atall. I just do it purely to wind him up.

feckit, that's normally what I do and have a laugh and I discover interesting info like his sister's getting married/his cousin is pregnant etc etc. Info he thinks is dull but which is interesting to me. Never seriously been looking and expecting to find anything questionable. We've never rowed about it in 12 years but now he blows his top ?

I agree with Mayor on this - if his colleague was a man, you wouldn't have an issue with it probably. And even the texts you've seen are obviously work related - she's not asking him how the museum visit is going or whatever.

And I don't think you can force him to stop taking work texts/calls on weekends, especially not from a single person. I appreciate your frustration but I can't believe in investment banking for 10 years you never had to take a call on the weekend?

i definitely took call on the weekend but only when it was business critical. Nothing she ever texts about is business critical - just borne from the fact she has decided to work another weekend evening and wants to talk to someone about it. She has no life it seems.

Ugh, cheesedoff, I totally feel your pain. I remember a few years ago coming into the room and my husband instantly closing his email. When I asked who it was he was all, "Oh, nothing," until I basically forced him to open it. It was from a student in his class (he taught in college), a GORGEOUS ITALIAN student of course. There was nothing going on between them but the email was not school related and I was pissed. My friend goes through something similar to this- she checks her DH's texts on a regular basis and is quite up front about it. Occasionally she'll find the odd text from his ex girlfriend. She feels, as I felt about my DH's emailing student, if it's oh-so-innocent, why say it's "nothing"?

I don't know. And yes, they are work colleagues, but it's not the same as if it were a man. Because, well, it just isn't. I agree with Xenia...ask him to have her over. If there's something going on you'll know it. I'm sure there's not, but I think it would give you peace of mind. It's just not a fun situation, is it? Obviously you want to grill him about it, but you don't want to be a nag.

Well- that's a good point, people have different ideas of business critical.

My new boss, who is almost entirely a complete wanker, has one good point - he doesn't email on weekends or expect responses on weekends so if you do hear from him, it's genuinely important.

But then I've seen emails from people sent on weekends where you think, "FFS, surely you have something better to do?!".

Agree that she's probably just a workaholic with nothing else in her life. But then your DH should be consistent and not responding to work things during the weekend at all, unless they are genuinely business critical. No matter who they come from.

SamsMama, that's a very similar situation isn't it, although this woman is not a gorgeous Italian student - quite the opposite in fact - she is very frumpy, still scrunch dries her hair, is quite overweight and wears clothes reminiscent of the late eighties era. Dh was supposed to be out with work tonight - but has called to say he is coming home. No doubt to discuss all this so my tummy is churning...

If she looks like that it's very unlikely anything is going on or she's his sexual fantasy of the moment then. She might well be after him and he might like the attention. If there's nothing potentialyl going on just tell him you were worried because you love him and that you would be more than happy they meet at weekends but in your house. I think that's a perfectly reasonable request.

"She might well be after him and he might like the attention"

I think you are spot on Xenia.

Good luck Cheesed - keep us posted.

I think you are right Xenia. I will keep you posted.