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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are people always fat because something is missing in their life?

158 replies

Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 15:53

My mum is (once again) driving me mad. I have made a decision about my weight, and was discussing it with her just then on the phone. She said,"Why are you so greedy, is there something missing in your life? Are you unhappy?"

Now, this is a veiled dig about dh, who she doesn't like, and whom she believes makes me unhappy (he doesn't, but I'm past trying to convince her of this). I said, "Well, I've been yo-yoing for the past 12 years, are you saying I've been unhappy for 12 years?", and she said, "Well, have you?" I ended the conversation quickly after that.

FGS. I am fat because I overeat, mainly due to boredom, but she thinks that everything that ever bothers or upsets me is because of dh. Why can't she just support me instead of trying to psychoanalyse me?

AIBU?

OP posts:
procrastinatingparent · 08/04/2009 15:54

When I'm overweight what is missing in my life is self-control.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 15:55

Thank you procrastinating.

OP posts:
flightattendant19 · 08/04/2009 15:55

No not unreasonable to be hacked off, I would be, but your mum sounds to me like she cares and wants you to be happy...

but if you've had it out about your H in the past and she's still rattling on, yanbu whatsoever.

Tillyscoutsmum · 08/04/2009 15:55

You are NOT bloody fat

and YANBU - you know your mum, you know her motives, just ignore her

For the record, I am bigger when I am content.. The only time I really lose weight (other than dieting etc.) is if I'm going through shit times. I lost 4 stone in less than 6 months when my first marriage broke down and I was at my unhappiest - which obviously totally blows your mums theory

mrsgboring · 08/04/2009 15:56

YANBU. I'm gradually coming to the conclusion many people are fat because they have a different (unhelpful) insulin response from people who are not. Increased fat in the fat cells then exacerbates that and you're stuck in a vicious circle.

That's not to say there aren't behavioural etc. issues at play too, but that some people find being thin easier than others do.

flightattendant19 · 08/04/2009 15:56

Btw I have only ever overeaten when I was on some level feeling self destructive. Usually not my partner's fault though, more my mother's...

mrsmaidamess · 08/04/2009 15:57

Thin people can be just as f**ked up in the head as fat people.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 15:57

I don't know why everything has to come back to dh, it drives me mad.

Thanks Tils, but I am.

OP posts:
procrastinatingparent · 08/04/2009 15:57

Sorry, my comment came across as rude rather than facetious.

gavel · 08/04/2009 15:58

Never discuss your weight or eating habits with your mother.

MrsBeakman · 08/04/2009 15:58

No. I'm overweight because i am greedy. At times in my life when i have been stresed i don't eat and get thin. It's contentment that makes me overeat

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 15:59

Procrastinating - it didn't.

gavel - I am starting to wonder why I ever discuss anything with her. This is why I am so desperate for dd to have siblings, having all the focus on you is bloody torturous.

OP posts:
StarlightMcEggzie · 08/04/2009 15:59

I'm fat because I lack time. Time to shop, plan meals, cook proper meals and time to go to the gym.

AMumInScotland · 08/04/2009 15:59

I'm overweight, but I'm not unhappy about anything particularly. It's just that I've got into the habit of eating more than I need to, and enjoy eating. It doesn't have to be because of some psychological issue, though obviously for some people it is.

lal123 · 08/04/2009 16:00

I'm fat because I love chips and crisps and hate exercising. The only thing thats missing in my life is the inclination to move my fat arse. Oh - and I'm pregnant too, so that doesn't help

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 16:01

She just tries to blame every single thing on dh. Despite the fact that the first time I ever went to Fat Club, I was 20 years old, and I didn't even meet dh for another 4 years! The two are not related, in any way. He is, generally, wholeheartedly supportive of me when it comes to my weight issues. Which is more than I can say for her.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufit · 08/04/2009 16:01

I'm overweight because I eat too much and drink too much and take too little exercise.

trixymalixy · 08/04/2009 16:01

My sister is very overweight, whereas I am relatively slim. We had the same upbringing, both have very happy marriages etc.

She is the absolute image of our Gran, so it is quite clearly genetic in her case.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 16:03

We had a falling out a few weeks ago because she said she had been dreaming about me being a size 10 and it hurt my feelings. Can you imagine if dh said that? She'd string him up.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 08/04/2009 16:03

I am also thinner when I am unhappy, as soon as I met DH I piled on 2 stone (well, it did take a few months ).

I am a bit heavier than I'd like mainly because I have no time for exercise and have the occasional treat. I have to watch my diet like a hawk to lose weight (or else get dumped and do nothing but smoke and drink).

How much weight do you want to lose?

I think some people do just yo-yo, most of the women I know anyway.

NotActuallyAMum · 08/04/2009 16:03

I'm fat because I have a problem - 2 hands and only 1 mouth

Seriously, your mum is taking rubbish

I like lal123's "the only thing that's missing in my life is the inclination to move my fat arse" Snap!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 16:07

I need to lose about 3.5 stone.

I try to 'let her in', because I know my weight bothers her (a lot), and give her an opportunity to feel involved and offer encouragement, and all she does is use it as a way to make digs about dh.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 08/04/2009 16:15

Oh PJ.

I think this is a bit more complex than her just seeing your dh a certain way. It is of course unfair the way she portrays him but some of it comes from the ferocity of protecting her only child. Think how powerfully protective you are of L. She feels that way about you and only you as she never had more children. You have in the past relied on her and vented to her perhaps maligning dh in the process. Her memory as a mother doesn't forget this. I acknowledge wholeheartedly that she's being unreasonable and hurtful but I can see causes for it.

I think the situation is compounded by a clash of personalities too. You are a little anxious, yes? I can say that? It's the way you are and you deal with it and manage it. I think maybe she sees this as unhappiness, which it isn't, it's just the way you are. Your Mum, as described by you at other times, is a happy lady, pleased with her life choices, never regretted having only one etc. I think you're very different to her, you are strung slightly tighter and you have also had some unhappiness in the past (caused by a man as well remember), so she channels it into something. She looks for a cause. She hears you worry about your weight, she sees dh behave a certain way, she sees you struggle, or hears a throwaway comment and she connects it all up.

She worries about you, this much I know. You can only deal with it now. Ask her not to be rude about dh. Gently remind her of the good things about him. And absolutely tell her the weight comments are hurtful. Perhaps share your concerns with her a little less frequently.

You're beautiful by the way.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 16:18

SOH - that post made me cry. I wish I could express myself to her as clearly, but she just sees my attempts to justify the situation as defending dh all the time, and I know she doesn't believe me.

She is incredibly defensive, and this makes her quite difficult to talk to, in a strange way, because if I let her know that I find her comments hurtful, she retracts in a, "OK, well I'll just keep my mouth shut then" way.

OP posts:
ManicMother7777 · 08/04/2009 16:19

I sympathise pinkjenny, i've been psychoanalysed by my (skinny) mum about every aspect of my life for 20 odd years. I can't make a comment about anything without her reading something non-existent into it

YANBU.

I'm overweight because food is just sooooo yummy and irresistable (oh and I take after my dad).

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