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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are people always fat because something is missing in their life?

158 replies

Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 15:53

My mum is (once again) driving me mad. I have made a decision about my weight, and was discussing it with her just then on the phone. She said,"Why are you so greedy, is there something missing in your life? Are you unhappy?"

Now, this is a veiled dig about dh, who she doesn't like, and whom she believes makes me unhappy (he doesn't, but I'm past trying to convince her of this). I said, "Well, I've been yo-yoing for the past 12 years, are you saying I've been unhappy for 12 years?", and she said, "Well, have you?" I ended the conversation quickly after that.

FGS. I am fat because I overeat, mainly due to boredom, but she thinks that everything that ever bothers or upsets me is because of dh. Why can't she just support me instead of trying to psychoanalyse me?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 21:55

FWIW - I did tell my mum tonight that one thing had nothing to do with the other. We even had a humiliating chat about when my overeating started. She told me that it was "her job" to worry about me, and that was that.

I will just tell her less, I think. Although I have vowed this many times before!

OP posts:
ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 08/04/2009 21:57

I expressed myself badly. I meant it's a two way thing.

One person can't be really boring and expect the other to stimulate them.

twinsetandpearls · 08/04/2009 21:58

I am fat because I am lazy except when it comes to eating.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 21:59

I agree ItsMargot - but the thread has been taken on a tangent that was not at all relevant to the situation.

OP posts:
Botbot · 08/04/2009 22:01

I once got down to a size twelve and at the time there was definitely something missing in my life - food.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 22:02

Anyway, must dash. To all of the lovely ladies that posted advice along with their own stories, thank you.

And to SOH -

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 22:02

I do apologise - my fault.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 22:03

Paolo - you get yourself off and provide your dh with some entertainment immediately! Perhaps a floor show of some description?

OP posts:
Shambolic · 08/04/2009 22:05

Nipple tassles. It's the only way.

EllieG · 08/04/2009 22:05

My mum tells me often how it's her job to worry about me, which makes me feel both loved and guilty. She will always worry about you, she's your Mum, but I think you are right, perhaps giving her a little less ammunition with which to 'worry' will help you have less strained conversations. When my Mum brings up topics like this I just get very breezy and say, 'Oh yes thanks Mum it's all fine, really good!' and leave no room for discussion. Maybe go on a bit about how loved your DH is making you feel or something.

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 08/04/2009 22:08

ha ha botbot!

I think we have different hardwiring with regards to food, regardless of the state of our personal lives.

I'm not skinny and not fat and I notice with puzzlement how skinny people hardly think of food at all, and don't feel hungry the way I do. Larger friends don't feel full as quickly as I do, or don't dislike the feeling of being full, and just think of food more.

So the quantity of food is very much ordered in through the mouth by the brain

But does that help? knowing that??

paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 22:10

I have my top hat and tails on as we speak! I hope you can resolve your issues with your mum - I'm sure (or rather, hope!) she's only worrying about you because she's your mother. Perhaps a bit less vocal worrying on her part might not go amiss though...good luck

AliceMumma · 08/04/2009 22:31

For me, when i was fat i lacked the education of how many hidden calories are in food!

I joined weight watchers and lost heaps cos i just didnt realise what i was actually eating.

Plus, some people just enjoy food and have a slow metabolism, unfortunate combintation!

My dh and sister in law eat SO SO much but have fast metabolic rates.
If i ate that much i would be the size of a house and people would make comments to me.

Its not fair, if your happy with your weight and life then its nothing to do with your mum, she should love you as you are..

Altho if my daughter was actually big enough to put her health at risk (not just a bit over weight) or became immobile because of it then maybe i would say something.. i dunno, its a hard one...

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 22:37

I'm a size 14.

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 22:39

Size 14???? Flamin' heck - what is your mother on about??? That's not fat, that's average, isn't it?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 22:43

I think she has an image of a 'perfect' daughter. My mum is extremely image conscious. That's just the way she is. She also knows that I am unhappy at this weight (it's more my weight than my dress size, iyswim), and does want to help. It's just her insistence on blaming dh for everything that drives me mad.

OP posts:
Cazzaben · 08/04/2009 22:46

I was a size 6 when I was 17 right up to when I was 21 (didnt eat as my ex boyfriend kept telling me I was fat)...

Since i've been with my husband I have gone up to a size 14/16. I'm sooo happy I cant even begin to tell you!!!

I think its a load of old crap!!!

I'm loved and content... my DH loves me fat or thin...

staggerlee · 08/04/2009 22:49

BonsoirAnna, Having read a number of your enlightened posts on several threads i have come to the conclusion that either you are taking the piss or a real life Stepford Wife.

dittany · 08/04/2009 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elkiedee · 08/04/2009 23:09

The last time I was really slim by my standards was at the end of the most miserable year of my life about 12 years ago. In summer 1996 I had problems with relationships, jobs and something else which was very important in my life at the time and quite central to decisions I'd made just fell apart totally, as far as I was concerned, and my weight dropped off. I then found a job I was much happier with and met the man I now live with, later I changed jobs and we bought a house. The other issues never really went away, but I gradually cared less and less about them. Anyway, I became much happier and the weight sadly piled back on.

IorekByrnison · 08/04/2009 23:20

I think Anna may be PinkJenny's mother.

Surely people overeat because they are biologically programmed to eat fat and sugar whenever available, and it is currently very available indeed. So in the absence of any burning desire to be thin (or unusually fast metabolism) we store it up and become overweight. Nothing could be more normal. I really can't see how not being desperate to replicate the body shape of a pubescent girl should indicate any kind of unhappiness.

Nighbynight · 09/04/2009 06:34

Why you are all laying into Anna, I dont know. She's put forward an alternative point of view, not forced anyone to accept it. That's why we come on mumsnet isnt it - to get a different slant on problems?
(I dont want to insult the OP by suggesting that she's only looking for sympathy.)

and the comparison between food and drugs is not that far out. I know that food is the only substance that I sometimes abuse when I feel stressed, where others might turn to alcohol or drugs. (Just wish I could manage not to inhale)

pinkjenny - surely you've summed up the real problem in your last post - your mother doesnt like your dh, and cant stop picking at the scab? My mother was the same with ex. she was incredibly imaginitive about finding ways to blame him. She'd have fastened the Iraq war on him if she could. It was very tiring for me, being stuck in the middle of it.

ssd · 09/04/2009 08:13

I agree!

its still a bit of a pack mentality here on MN, isn't it , someone says something we disagree with and all their mates pile in..........

FWIW, Anna was very helpful to me and I have found many of her posts in the past spot on

newpup · 09/04/2009 08:42

I am overweight, I have been since I had my first Dd 10 years ago. But I am so very happy. I love my Dh, we have a fabulous marriage and I am blessed with 2 beautiful DDs. We live in a house I adore, I have fab friends and am lucky to have a great lifestyle. Meals at lovely restaurants, foreign holidays, nice cars, health club etc.

I would like to be thinner but all the important things in my life have nothing to do with my weight. I wear clothes I like and am pretty self-confident. I had a good education and have a degree and a profession if I chose to use them. The reason I am overweight is because I eat too much and do not excercise enough! Simple!!

My mother has always had a problem with my weight but I have learned over the years that it is her problem not mine!

The only effect my weight has on me, is that I am very careful to ensure my DDs have a balanced diet and take lots of excercise!

I am who I am and I would rather be overweight and happy over anything else!

happywomble · 09/04/2009 08:55

I am overweight from something not missing in my life. I hate having big boobs..they are uncomfortable and make excercise harder! I think my weight battle started at puberty when I started to feel depressed about my figure. The only thing that depresses me is being overweight. If I could wave a magic wand and be a normal weight with smaller boobs I think I would be entirely happy with life. DH loves me as I am (weightwise) and thats nice but doesn't help shift the pounds. I was much thinner when single.

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