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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are people always fat because something is missing in their life?

158 replies

Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 15:53

My mum is (once again) driving me mad. I have made a decision about my weight, and was discussing it with her just then on the phone. She said,"Why are you so greedy, is there something missing in your life? Are you unhappy?"

Now, this is a veiled dig about dh, who she doesn't like, and whom she believes makes me unhappy (he doesn't, but I'm past trying to convince her of this). I said, "Well, I've been yo-yoing for the past 12 years, are you saying I've been unhappy for 12 years?", and she said, "Well, have you?" I ended the conversation quickly after that.

FGS. I am fat because I overeat, mainly due to boredom, but she thinks that everything that ever bothers or upsets me is because of dh. Why can't she just support me instead of trying to psychoanalyse me?

AIBU?

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 21:37

Anna, I think the OP's comment at 4.45 about wondering when you would arrive is maybe a little clue as to what people tend to think about you and your 'help'.
Most people might have taken the hint at that point, but not you - I wonder why you felt you had to ask her why she didn't listen to her mother more, or suggest that she may be more comfortable being fat than divorced. What is it about those comments that you think will be in any way helpful?

BonsoirAnna · 08/04/2009 21:37

Well sure, she has probably comfort-eaten for ages - long before she got married.

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 08/04/2009 21:37

ps sorry, I haven't read all the posts. Only #1.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 21:37

Here I am.

To be perfectly honest, I am not remotely offended by your comments, Anna. I have been on MN too long to care what people think of me anymore. And I so seldomly agree with you, that your opinion is not relevant to me. I do, however, thank you for taking the time to respond, I appreciate that posting in AIBU will generate debate!

My marriage is not a 'disaster area'. I think far too much of myself and my dd to ever stay in an unhappy relationship. I am not prepared to defend it to you though, in the same way that I am not prepared to defend it to my mother. It's no one's business, and whilst you don't know me, I would hope that my mum knows me well enough to believe that I would address issues with dh if I was unhappy.

I overeat. That is my responsibility. I was overeating and in a bad cycle of dieting long before dh ever came on the scene. What I put in my mouth is entirely up to me.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 08/04/2009 21:38

Why do those comments cause you so much distress, paolosgirl? Are there some truths there that you don't want to face up to?

ssd · 08/04/2009 21:39

being overweight is so complex

I know exactly why I over eat, and its a situation I can't change

so I'm trying to eat more healthily, but when I feel like screaming inside I want to eat sugar or carbs to make me feel better

probably a thin person wouldn't make sense of this, but a fat person might relate to it.

BonsoirAnna · 08/04/2009 21:40

Food (or certain sorts of food) is your drug, right, ssd?

Shambolic · 08/04/2009 21:41

I think Anna is mystic meg.

To glean from PJs posts that she was over-eating to "suffocate the loneliness and boredom of her marriage" is an incredible and bizarre leap which can only mean one thing. Supernatural powers.

paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 21:41

What comments do you believe cause me so much distress Bonsoir?!

Do you see yourself as some sort of counsellor, I wonder? If so, please, stop now, for the love of God! It's so bad it's laughable.

ssd · 08/04/2009 21:42

you know, it might be, hadn't thought of it that way before!

I hardly drink, don't smoke, certainly don't do drugs!!

food, or rather fattening food is my drug/comfort

TheFallenMadonna · 08/04/2009 21:43

She's sorted ssd though

BonsoirAnna · 08/04/2009 21:43

I expect food is your drug.

Could you think of an alternative "drug" - one that didn't harm you?

Lizzylou · 08/04/2009 21:43

Anna, you live in a country where women starve themselves to be thin but which is renowned for the males infidelity...and the females do not look any the better for it tbh.

On this thread I find your arrogance breathtaking tbh, recently you have excelled yourself.

Lizzylou · 08/04/2009 21:44

Sorry, just trying a bit of cod psychology myself...

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 08/04/2009 21:45

Bonsoir, my x (who was a normal weight, as am I) often used to offload his discontentment onto me. He thought it was my job to entertain him and see to all his needs so that he was never bored or understimulated.

BOLLIX. I was content. It wasn't my job to provide his entertainment or stimulation. If he didn't just enjoy my company then what else should I do? Magic tricks!

I don't think it's any woman's job to be her husband's geisha. If a woman's husband is just discontented generally then it's not his wife's fault.

paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 21:45

Wow, Anna, your insight into ssd is uncanny. How on earth did you come up with the theory that food can be like a drug for some people?? That's so radical a thought, so novel, so never been suggested before. I'm amazed at your powers of deduction!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 21:47

I don't see it as dh's responsibility to provide me with fun and stimulation! Gawd, it reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to tell my mum I was bored. If dh came up to me and asked me to entertain him or stimulate him, I'd tell him to feck off. That is not the same as not enjoying his company!

OP posts:
Shambolic · 08/04/2009 21:50

ROFL @ idea of all the DH's wandering up to their DW's demanding "stimulation"!!

My DH usually makes that demand in the morning, I tell him to stimulate himself .

ssd · 08/04/2009 21:51

TBH Anna, I can't think of an alternative, I don't really have any hobbies (or much time and money for them...), my world seems to revolve around dh, the kids and my old mum!

maybe I overeat due to this lack of much in my life for me, but just now I can't see any feasible alternative

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 08/04/2009 21:51

I wish he was here to stimulate me, but unfortunately he's still at the office. Bastard!

I'll make do with Suralan Sugar instead.

OP posts:
noonki · 08/04/2009 21:52

Anna - you ignored my earlier question about whether you actually speak to people like this in rl?

Ho do they take it if you do?

captainpeacock · 08/04/2009 21:52

Probably already been said, but I am overweight.

I am completely happy with my life, have one dd, one ds who are 12 and 13 so out of the really awful stage, I have a dh who I love totally. I walk at least 40 minutes a day, but often 80 minutes. I would never dream of eating as much as these people who are in the magazines eat, ie 4 bits of toast for breakfast, sweets, cakes, crisps and a takeaway for tea, but I am still overweight. Although I have lost nearly 2 stone over the last 4 months, I still have a lot to lose, but it honestly isn't as simple as eat less, move around more because I move around a lot and eat a lot less than people I work with but am still heavier than them. I have polycystic ovaries although I don't think this is an excuse.

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 08/04/2009 21:53

Yeah, if a couple who've been together 12 yrs appreciate eachother's company then, that's as good as it should be.

Bonsoir, expecting a longterm partner to stimulate you and excite you,,,,, that sounds unrealistic to me. STaying up til four am talking about Nietchze or whatever! is that stimulation??? It sounds unrealistic to me.

Companionship between two people who are both individually contented sounds more realistic.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/04/2009 21:54

Really? I've been with DH 18 years and I'd be pretty miserable if things weren't still exciting and stimulating. Without asking...

paolosgirl · 08/04/2009 21:55

DH at the moment is lying on the floor, drumming his little hands and feet and demanding that I entertain and stimulate him now that his TV programme is finished!

Do you think that if I don't give in to his demands I'll end up (skinny in my size 8 case) and divorced??? Oh, if ONLY I'd listened to my mother who used to play the piano, sing music hall scores and tap dance for my father of an evening to stave off his boredom