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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be able to take my children to my friends wedding

252 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 10:49

She politely told me that only children from her family are allowed at her wedding. The reason I'm given is she doesn't want the risk of anything spoiling her day..

This wouldn't be such a big deal if my ds was older, but he will be not much over a year by the time of the wedding. I am breastfeeding and I am now feel pressured into getting him drinking milk from a cup well enough that I can leave him with my parents by the time of the wedding. He has also never spent any time away from me and I don't like this pressure of having to leave him somewhere and getting him off the breast quicker than I maybe would have.

AIBU I want to take him with me, he's a very good baby, she wouldn't even know he was there.

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 02/04/2009 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EldonAve · 02/04/2009 10:52

YABU
If you don't want to leave your 1 year old then decline the invite

PestoChocolateMonster · 02/04/2009 10:53

It's their wedding, their call.

LadyPenelope · 02/04/2009 10:55

A 1 year old should be fine drinking from a cup for the day and going without milk if necessary.

mumof2andabit · 02/04/2009 11:04

I agree by that stage a cup shouldnt be an issue at all but I would feel very uncomfortable about being invited whilst my child was not, especially that young.

TheCrackFox · 02/04/2009 11:06

Don't go. It will also save you a ton of cash. You won't need to buy new clothes, travel expenses, night in a hotel and you can get away with buying a much cheaper pressie. If we are all going to be honest weddings can be as dull as dishwater.

The bride will still have a great day without you.

flowerybeanbag · 02/04/2009 11:06

YABU, it's up to them, and if you don't want to leave your child don't accept the invitation.

Can you bring your parents and DS with you and park them down the road somewhere or something?

EasterEggsintheSky · 02/04/2009 11:07

I would decline then. Yes it's their wedding but if they ban kids then they have to expect that some people won't go. Personally I think banning kids is a miserable thing to do but hey, each to their own.

MummyCharli · 02/04/2009 11:07

I also think YABU, sorry! My friend had no children whatsoever at her wedding. My youngest was 14 months at the time, and still bf. He was fine, I had a lovely childfree day, and the boys spent some time with Grandma.

madwomanintheattic · 02/04/2009 11:13

i'm a fence sitter. i can do both types - have left two children with gp's and taken only the bridesmaid child to my bf's wedding, and have taken them all, and have taken none. honestly? i secretly prefer none if it's close friends, as i can have a glass of vino without having to leave early and deal with over-excited and overtired children. i get to talk to dh and maybe even dance lol. sat next to a woman with a tiny at one wedding and the child was inconsolable, so she stood outside and missed the service... then had to go home as the disco was keeping the tot awake.

that said, our wedding was all kids, particularly littlies, as i always find it a good omen to have one baby cry at a wedding lol. a sort of fertility omen lol.

personal choice though, so accept or decline as you wish - your friend obviously doesn't share those views lol, and in those circumstances i'd be really wary of taking a littlie - any gurgle or squawk or burp or vom and i'd have to leave - i'd be on tenterhooks all day, which would doubtless upset the tot anyway lol.

cory · 02/04/2009 11:17

On the one hand, I like children at weddings.

On the other hand, a one year old, even if he is breastfed, can surely go a day without drinking milk at all?

2shoestrodonalltheeggs · 02/04/2009 11:19

yabu

islandofsodor · 02/04/2009 11:22

YABU.

When planning a wedding there are usually limits on numbers, not just for food but often space wise. She probably has to choose between children of friends or not inviting some friends.

If it was very close family then yesm I would say YANBU.

You have the choice as to whether you politely decline the invitation. I personally have in the past as due to my work hours I don't really want to leave my children too often as it is my only time with them but that was my choice and I would not have expected friends or even non immediate family to have to invite my children.

A 1 year old should be eating a range of solid food and taking drinks whether it is milk or water from a cup anyway. I breastfed ds until he was 16 months and he would have been fine going without milk apart from settling at bedtime. Give yoghurt if he really won't take a cup.

There is a huge difference between a 4-5 month old fully breatfed baby and a 1 year old.

Stayingsunnygirl · 02/04/2009 11:23

I think flowerybeanbag has the best idea - have your ds and parents nearby (a local hotel room, even a room in the same hotel as the reception, if it's in a hotel) so you can nip up and breastfeed him or check on him reasonably easily.

I took my 5 week old ds2 to a wedding, along with ds1 aged 2 - there were plenty of kids there, and everyone was very relaxed about it, but imo it is the bride and groom's choice whether to have children there or not, and as they've said, once they make one exception they have to make others or risk upsetting loads more people.

Original poster

sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 11:26

My dd went straight to a cup at 13 months so hopefully it won't be a problem. My friend doesn't have children, so I don't think she is atall aware of how I feel. If my ds was any younger than a year I would have had to have declined the invite.

I didn't realise so many people didn't allow friends babies tbh. I've never really given it any thought until now as it is the first wedding we've been invited to since having children. What if they are exclusively breastfed? you can't leave your boob behind for a baby that doesn't have a bottle can you.

When we eventually get married, (we appear to be aiming for the worlds longest engagement at he moment) I want all of my friends children there, maybe I'm strange then.. ?!

I wonder if he was younger if she'd have still said the same thing? I definitley would have been in a tricky situation if he'd been under a year as I really don't want to miss her wedding (she's one of my best friends) but I would not have left my ds that young.

OP posts:

crokky · 02/04/2009 11:29

I think you are reasonable in wanting to take your DS to this wedding.

However, it is the bride's choice as it's her wedding so if she says that you can't, then you have a choice of going without your DS or declining the invite.

Personally I would decline the invite. I think that it is not reasonable to expect you to attend a wedding without a baby you would otherwise not leave. Just as it is her choice whether children attend, it is your choice to leave your baby or not. You clearly don't want to leave him, so don't. I have a 12mo DD and although I would leave her for half a day for a wedding if I really had to, it's only because she is my 2nd that I would. My DS is 3.0 and I wouldn't have left him at 12mo for a wedding.

I fed both my DCs to just over a year and honestly if it is just milk you are worried about, he'll be fine with no milk for the day - he could drink water or diluted juice presumably?

I think people should be allowed to decide when is the right time to leave their baby - it is not up to others to dictate when that might be. Some are happy leaving a baby at a few weeks old, some are not happy at a few years old - personal choice IMO.

traceybath · 02/04/2009 11:31

The thing is you have children so of course you'd want children there.

She doesn't have children and would probably have more friends and less children - venues are very strict on numbers and even little children count.

As others have said go if you want to and enjoy a nice child free day/evening.

mrsjammi · 02/04/2009 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paisleyleaf · 02/04/2009 11:32

I agree with Eastereggsinthesky, they have to realise some people can't go.

islandofsodor · 02/04/2009 11:33

You might want to invite all your friends children sleepsforwimps, however you may not be able to.

I did invite all family, friends and children to my wedding and we struggl;ed to find a venue that could accomodate the 150 people to the meal and 200 people to the evening do, never mind the expense.

I live in a city and there was only 1 hotel large enough and the wedding was planned 18 months in advance.

Babies count as people in the count up of how many are allowed in a certain size room for fire regs.

Stayingsunnygirl · 02/04/2009 11:44

Crokky - going with her ds or not going at all aren't the only options - as has already been suggested, she could have her parents and ds somewhere nearby so she can pop in and feed/check up on him.

cathers · 02/04/2009 11:47

If you feel uncomfortable with leaving your baby, then decline the invite. It is their wedding and their decision ultimately, (though I may not personally agree!)

You may find that when you decline the invite, and if the bride and groom ask why and find out you can't make it, they change their mind and baby is suddenly welcome? This change of opinion has happened to us a few times over the last couple of years!

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 11:50

I'd just take the baby with you, she won't even notice on the day.
A friend of ours came to our wedding ceremony and all through the dvd we can here the little one chattering but so bloody what, the actually service was my least favorite bit of the day anyway, people can just walk off the street if they want to, you cannot control every aspect of the day so she needs to chill out and not make being a guest at her wedding hard work and difficult for people.

traceybath · 02/04/2009 11:52

Sorrento - you really wouldn't take a one year old if you'd specifically been told not to would you?

Lordy - that would be so unbelievably rude and quite possibly a friendship-killer.

chequersmate · 02/04/2009 11:56

"I'd just take the baby with you, she won't even notice on the day."

Yes, just pop on his cloak of invisibility and job done

Don't just ignore your friends wishes, as that would be exceptionally rude.

If you can't be parted from him then just politely decline the invite. Bear in mind though, that this probably won't be the only time in his life that you won't be able to take him to something so it might be good to get some practice in.

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