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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be able to take my children to my friends wedding

252 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 10:49

She politely told me that only children from her family are allowed at her wedding. The reason I'm given is she doesn't want the risk of anything spoiling her day..

This wouldn't be such a big deal if my ds was older, but he will be not much over a year by the time of the wedding. I am breastfeeding and I am now feel pressured into getting him drinking milk from a cup well enough that I can leave him with my parents by the time of the wedding. He has also never spent any time away from me and I don't like this pressure of having to leave him somewhere and getting him off the breast quicker than I maybe would have.

AIBU I want to take him with me, he's a very good baby, she wouldn't even know he was there.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 02/04/2009 14:51

SOme people don't like children at all: just because people are getting married doesn't mean they are subsequently going to breed.
And while it's impossible to avoid children in public places in general, if you don't like them and you are hosting and paying for a party or event you have every right to forbid them.

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 15:00

Yes they may have no intention of ever having children so why have them at their most special day. Despite everyone who says weddings should all be about family and community, I disagree. I think it's about helping the couple celebrate their union. So in essence,it's about them.

Original poster
sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 15:17

Oh believe me they are both very broody! They are waiting until after the wedding to start ttc. If it was up to them they have said they'd have children first but her parents are quite religious and so she didn't want to upset them.

It is their day and I totally respect that, but she would also be upset if I wasn't there and I would be upset if I missed it. I am going to go to as much of the day as possible, but for me my ds needs come first.

OP posts:
Shambolic · 02/04/2009 15:18

kay I have been on threads about this with you before - was it you who had the wedding next to a loch/large body of water of some sort? or maybe my memory is failing...

It is easy really go/don't go. If I were in OPs shoes I wouldn't go. She could try to start getting the baby to take a cup/leave it for longer and longer etc but thinking about it, that means the pressure is on a bit as if she accepts and then it doesn't work out with baby she can't just not turn up/change her response at the last minute. So overall a polite declinature is in order in this case I think.

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 15:20

Sleepsforwimps make sure you have explained that you may be nipping in and out/need to leave early etc so she isn't on the day

PuppyMonkey · 02/04/2009 15:26

I think people who don't want children at weddings are weird and need to get out a bit more, frankly.

That's all I have to say.

georgimama · 02/04/2009 15:35

I think it's weird not to want children at a wedding but it's up to them.

Just don't go.

KayHarkerIsPlayingWithMitchell · 02/04/2009 15:37

FWIW, I had children at my wedding; we had a barn dance especially so they had a chance to run off steam.

I don't think that children shouldn't go to weddings as a general rule - I just think that if they're not invited, it's just one of those things, and a perfectly valid choice the couple are well within their rights to make.

PuppyMonkey · 02/04/2009 15:41

Nah, Georgiemama. I think OP should just shoot them...

Mamii · 02/04/2009 15:41

I was faced with a choice like this at my own wedding. We held the entire day on HMS Warrior - therefore we had to make some very difficult decisions as space was limited. In the end, we only invited immediate family and friends and had to say no children to the day. (46 people in total)
However, we were able to invite everyone to the evening with no exception.
Could it be that she HAS to make a difficult decision here? We can't all do exactly as we please for our wedding day and sacrifices have to be made somewhere.

I'm sure that by 1 year old DS will be happily drinking from a cup and eating you out of house and home.

... Who know's, by then you may enjoy and "adults only" day.

Stayingsunnygirl · 02/04/2009 15:42

I mentioned earlier on this thread that I went to a wedding when ds2 was 5 weeks old - well I also went to a wedding 3 weeks before he was born, again with ds1 who was under 2 at the time.

At the reception, we got complimented on how quiet he'd been at the ceremony - and had to admit that that was because he'd been in the car in Sainsburys' carpark with dh, who'd taken him out because he was getting noisy.

And Sorrento - I am more than a little shocked that you think my PND is my own fault! That certainly isn't the view of the heathcare professionals who've treated me, btw. Oh - and I was a sahm with ds1 and ds3, and a working mum with ds2, but still had PND after each pregnancy.

Have you considered how damaging and hurtful that statement may be for someone who has PND now? If someone had said that to me when I was at my worst, or if I'd read it, it might well have been the final straw.

SalBySea · 02/04/2009 15:45

could the OP ask if she could just go to the service or the evening or something so that she gets to share her friends day AND gets to BF?

mum23monkeys · 02/04/2009 15:47

Why should people want children at weddings? Why on earth is it weird not to want children there?

We've been to many different sorts of weddings, with and without the dc, and any type is lovely but the addition of children makes it a very different affair.

We did not invite children to our wedding (except for close family and bridesmaids, and had a nanny and entertainer for them) because the occasion was inappropriate for children - long day, a couple of hours in church, and late into the night. I didn't want a child friendly party, I wanted an adult party. I did make an exception for a very young bf baby. The parents kept the baby out of church (having an undisturbed church service was important to us).

We had a similar situation when ds1 was 5 weeks old. I fed him through all the speeches as I was terrified he would cry and disturb everyone.

You have to respect people's wishes. And sometimes that means you have to make choices.

PuppyMonkey · 02/04/2009 15:55

Well I'm sorry to disagree with a fellow monkey but it IS weird in my book and always will be. Maybe because I was brought up in an Irish family where people have about three million kids each and, shock horror, LOOK AFTER THEM THEMSELVES!

SadMarg · 02/04/2009 16:10

Why is it that weddings get people all upset about this children's issue?????!!!!! SAHM - the reason they are SAHM (usually) is because they want to be there for their children, so stop working. They STOP working because clearly you can't have children at work. So, decision 1 made!!!!

Your partner's Christmas party - do you go? If you don't want to leave your children at home with someone else - no. Noone seems to get upset about that!!!!

Every other flaming event/function also has the same decision being made - can I take the children or not. If not, should I still go???????

Why are WEDDINGS any different?

Seriously, some mothers need to stop being so precious about themselves. If you want to go and children aren't invited, then make alternative arrangements. If you don't want to leave your children, then STAY AT HOME!!!!

Sheesh - quite simple really!!!!!

sayithowitis · 02/04/2009 16:27

Have to say thet I don't really get the fashion for childfree weddings. Siblings and I went to all our relative's weddings as kids.When DH and I married, it didn't even cross our minds not to invite children, whether they were family or friends. In a way, having children there made the day more special. But as when we were children, at our wedding the kids behaved themselves and didn't spoil it for anyone else. That said, I do understand that some people these days choose not to invite children and as it is their wedding, they are entitled to take that line. Just as the potential guests are at liberty to accept or refuse the invite. Whenever we had invites to childfree weddings, we refused them as at that time, we had no-one available to look after them and for us, it was not an option for just one of us to attend whilst the other sat at home with the children. Most brides understood our reasons and are still friends. Those that didn't, aren't.

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 16:35

I think that the compartmentalising of different age groups and activities is bad news.

People never come across babies until they have their own and then don't know what to do with them.

The "old" support networks are not there any more.

People not wanting old people anywhere near their children.

No children at weddings.

Everyone moving away from their families so no GP involvement with children.

Teenagers being demonised by everyone.

etc etc.

I think this is a very bad thing.

We should all be more tolerant and open and mingle with all types of people within our communities, then no-one would be scared of anyone and everyone would be happy.

So there.

noddyholder · 02/04/2009 16:38

I agree with shambolic.

treedelivery · 02/04/2009 16:41

Think about kids at weddings is these little people can cost £20 a head! Money is a huge thing when organising a 'do'.

LilRedWG · 02/04/2009 16:42

We had nieces and nephews only at our wedding and meal. Other children were welcome at the evening bash. Our wedding/our choice.

chequersmate · 02/04/2009 16:42

Don't actually see what the point of the OP is, really.

Are you BU to want to take your kids? No.

Would I be unreasonable to want to dye my hair green? No.

I can want to do whatever I fancy, as can you.

So, what are you actually asking, or did you just start this thread to have a bit of a bitch about your friend and her wedding plans?

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 16:45

Thanks Noddy

procrastinatingparent · 02/04/2009 16:48

I do kind of agree with Shambolic about society in general.

But this is not the point, OP. Her wedding, her choice. You chose pink roses, a church and a meringue dress; she chose hibiscus barefoot on a beach. You chose children at weddings, she didn't.

Really, it's tough if it inconveniences you. This day is not actually about you, amazingly enough.

chequersmate · 02/04/2009 16:52
treedelivery · 02/04/2009 16:53

Follows and brings wedding album...wanna see my pictures?.....no?...anyone?....

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