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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be able to take my children to my friends wedding

252 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 10:49

She politely told me that only children from her family are allowed at her wedding. The reason I'm given is she doesn't want the risk of anything spoiling her day..

This wouldn't be such a big deal if my ds was older, but he will be not much over a year by the time of the wedding. I am breastfeeding and I am now feel pressured into getting him drinking milk from a cup well enough that I can leave him with my parents by the time of the wedding. He has also never spent any time away from me and I don't like this pressure of having to leave him somewhere and getting him off the breast quicker than I maybe would have.

AIBU I want to take him with me, he's a very good baby, she wouldn't even know he was there.

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 03/04/2009 11:04

If you want rats and cockroaches and either an Iron Maiden or a Rack, I'd say that the Tower of London would be your best bet.

Not to mention the fact that you can issue pikes to the guests so they can gently encourage their or others' children to stay at a reasonable distance. And there should be plenty of dungeons for unruly guests, and it's close to public transport links by either rail or water (via Traitors gate of course).

ahfeckit · 03/04/2009 11:21

I would personally decline the invite and save a fortune in the meantime, or if your friend means that much then leave your 1yo for the day with granny and head out to the wedding for a child-free night out.

I didn't want kids at my wedding, so I can't really comment on that side of things, I think it's personal preference. And I'm not offended when I've had friends saying 'no kids please' at their weddings, I respect their wishes and move on. We can't all have the same views on children and weddings. Everyone has their reasons.

dingledangle · 03/04/2009 11:22

I don't think you are being unreasonable about wanting to take your child to the wedding. Although children can be a 'challenge' at weddings what other group of individuals are so actively EXCLUDED from weddings and we accept it!!!

Can you imagine...

What sort of society are we living in??? (It seems we want everything to be so perfect for our big day it seems a little unrealistic to me!!)

I would say to your friend that you would like to come but you will not be able to because of the reasons you have stated here. She may view life differently if she had kids of her own.....

A similar question was posted in the guardian the other week and I found the writers response interesting....ask your friend to visualise her photos from her wedding...... Maybe she does want everyone to be over the age of 16 (except blood rellies of course!!!)

When my DH and I got married I would have never dreamt of not allowing people with kids to come and we got married somewhere that was not especially child friendly. I appreciate now the effort our friends made to come with their kids from a long distance as well.

It is her wedding to choose who she wants there....it is your choice whether you decide to leave your child behind (just in case he might make a noise during the ceremony!!!) or pass up on it and be honest with her why.....

DandyLioness · 03/04/2009 13:37

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DandyLioness · 03/04/2009 13:40

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dingledangle · 03/04/2009 15:28

I forgot to mention too that my friends daughter (who was 18 months old at the time) cried during our ceremony and they were reasonable and sensible enough to take the little girl outside to see what was wrong.

Depends on your friends and family I guess. Kids are human too!!!!!

springdaffs · 03/04/2009 17:29

This is a strange country - most places in the world children are included in weddings, celebrations, family occasions, eating out in the evening and they usually have a far stronger sense of community and family than here unfortunately. Also far better behaved and social children and teenagers.

DandyLioness · 03/04/2009 17:31

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springdaffs · 03/04/2009 17:34

Agreed but go to Italy, Ireland or Spain it is very unusual to leave children out of family occasions and their womens rights record is very similiar to here

BrownSuga · 03/04/2009 17:58

On the other hand, we have just come back from a wedding abroad to which we took our son, little choice, knew no one to care for him, but that was ok by the bride and groom and other children were there. HOWEVER, NO FOOD was provided for the two little tots. And there were only TWO of them both similar age, 2yo. So if you are going to invite littlies to your nuptial breakfast, please either provide a childrens meal for them, or let the parents know ahead of time if no provision will be made for them. Argh!

My little one ate bread dipped in wine which he rather enjoys and was quite the hit of the party dancing with several lovely ladies.

DandyLioness · 03/04/2009 17:58

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pamelat · 04/04/2009 19:41

Maybe I am just a selfish cow but don't you have a better night without your children around?

My DD is only 14 months so requires full on attention/care etc. I would not want to take her to a wedding.

Someone (sorry I can not remember who) makes a very valid point that its all about timings. After 6pm i want my little one tucked up with her milk at home with her GP's. I would not want her out and about with us, and I would want to drink wine and switch off.

however I can imagine that when she is older (say 5 or 6???) I would want her there, but its up to the bride/groom. I would never make a fuss about it.

Blessingsdragon · 04/04/2009 23:47

Italy, Ireland or Spain and womens rights ? - erh don't think so

letswiggle · 05/04/2009 12:58

Italy is more often known as "the land that feminism forgot". And children are included in adult activities largely because no one seems to have realised yet that a better time could be had by all if someone thought about creating some provision for activities that children enjoy. For the timebeing, they just get dragged along.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2009 13:00

so sleepforwinps - what are you going to do

leave children with gp's

not go to wedding

take gps and leave them and children in local hotel

Nancy66 · 05/04/2009 14:58

yep you're being totally unreasonable.
The bride is the star of the show - it's her day and if she doesn't want kids then the guests need to respect that.

My sister's wedding was totally ruined by a crying baby - the baby was bawling during the vows, so one of the ushers asked her if she could take the baby outside and she refused. He didn't want to cause a scene so he had to leave the woman and her screaming kid in the pew. Nobody could hear the couple take their vows and 14 years on my sister still hasn't forgiven her!

spiralqueen · 06/04/2009 16:26

The only child to cry at my wedding was my 8 mth old DD . She bawled from the minute she arrived at the venue, the hotel manager was kind enough to take her on a trip round the grounds and stop my DH from going into meltdown as he was nervous enough as it was. When I arrived I could hear her but not see her which was very confusing and I had to whisper to DH to find out where she was.

I'm sad she wasn't there but of course she wouldn't have remembered it. However had someone else's baby cried and not been taken out I think I would have got really ratty. The odd cute comment is one thing but screaming or running riot which does happen with parents normally looking fondly on is quite another thing.

odisco · 06/04/2009 21:55

I don't get this argument that things are so much better in 'other countries'. Ireland is no different to here when it comes to weddings and frankly what has this got to do with women's rights?

The family gatherings (in Irish 'inclusive' society) I've been to with lots of children resulted in lots of adults chatting and the children sent to entertain themselves and ignored by the adults.

Would we be having this discussion about the other big family gathering - funerals?

ceres · 07/04/2009 19:32

i hate these stereotypes about ireland and irish families - most (of the many)weddings i've been to have been child-free. ALL of my friends who are married had child-free weddings. the few i've been to that HAVE had children it has been immediate family children only. ALL irish!

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 19:34

YABU.

You don't have to go.

We too had an adult only wedding, didn't seem to cause a problem with anyone.

varicoseveined · 07/04/2009 20:11

Didn't even think about not inviting children to my wedding, but I do come from a very large yet close knit family. I don't fully agree with the "it's all about ME bridezilla mindset, but there ya go.

I do expect children to be supervised properly though. I've known ministers to let guests know at the start of the ceremony that there's a room at the rear of the church where unruly children can be taken if necessary.

MrsMagooo · 08/04/2009 07:27

The reason we had adults only was to help keep costs down, we paid for our entire wedding ourselves so were trying to save where we could, also had we invited the children they would have outnumbered the adults!

Was nothing to do with "Didn't even think about not inviting children to my wedding, but I do come from a very large yet close knit family. I don't fully agree with the "it's all about ME bridezilla mindset"

Gateau · 08/04/2009 09:30

YABU>
It's her wedding and therefore her choice who she has there.
Luckily there is an RSVP so you can decline the invite if you really don't feel happy leaving your DS. Otherwise, leave him and enjoy a very relaxing day.

nicolamumof3 · 08/04/2009 18:40

tricky one, i fell out with my very dear, very best friend last summer as she wouldn't invite children to the wedding we have been friends for 30yrs, i wouldn't go without my children, her son had been pageboy at my wedding. And it just felt wrong, my children wanted to go to the wedding! i didin't go. we haven't spoken since. v.sad but it was my choice, and hers.

FlorenceAndtheWashingMachine · 08/04/2009 19:44

Nicolamumof3, I prefer the "come one, come all" approach to weddings myself, but I would never, ever lose a really good friend over something like this.

Your DCs would have got over their disappointment with a bit of bribery, but where will you get a new 'old' friend from?