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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be able to take my children to my friends wedding

252 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 10:49

She politely told me that only children from her family are allowed at her wedding. The reason I'm given is she doesn't want the risk of anything spoiling her day..

This wouldn't be such a big deal if my ds was older, but he will be not much over a year by the time of the wedding. I am breastfeeding and I am now feel pressured into getting him drinking milk from a cup well enough that I can leave him with my parents by the time of the wedding. He has also never spent any time away from me and I don't like this pressure of having to leave him somewhere and getting him off the breast quicker than I maybe would have.

AIBU I want to take him with me, he's a very good baby, she wouldn't even know he was there.

OP posts:
sandpebbles · 02/04/2009 13:48

sleepsforwimps: big YABU to you.
I had my wedding ceremony ruined by two toddlers, they kicked off behind me during the vows and I was battling to hear myself think. (their mother, my SIL, didn't take them outside even though all guests in the vicinity were looking at her with big eyes...!).
As others have been saying it's up to you not to accept the invitation if you feel strongly, but by one year old your child will be a little more independent and you may well relish the opportunity for an afternoon not on mummy duties!
Perhaps there are other reasons for the bride's feelings, other than the risk of noise though. Perhaps the bride wants the focus of attention on her at all times, small babies dressed up do create quite a stir! It wouldn't be my view but if it's one of your friends reasons she is entitled to feel that way and not feel bad about it i think.

SalBySea · 02/04/2009 13:49

BTW I had tonnes of kids at my wedding and have felt there was something missing at the childfree weddings I've been to

That is my personal opinion though, I wouldnt try and force that on a couple who dont want children at their wedding by trying to emotionally blackmail them into giving in and allowing my child. I really dont see what the problem is, tick "yes" or tick "no", as I have never seen a RSVP card with space for option "other" where you can put your conditions like "only if I can bring my kids and my mum" etc

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 13:52

I think it is more of an issue on other threads I have seen where the couple are adamant that children cannot come, but are also adamant that the parents must, even where the child is v small and BF.

Situations like those the couple are def unreasonable.

If people don't want children at their wedding they need to cheerfully accept that inevitably means some parents won't be able to come.

PeachyLikesHerChoccyRabbit · 02/04/2009 13:55

sand in fairness thats your perception of what a small child did to your wedding (hear me out): in contrast a friends wedding was most jyous he says for exactly the same thing: children getting up,playing, being heard (I was there, indeed they were lol- ironically I hadnt been certain mine were invited so left them home, needed a rest at 38 weeks pg but did regret it.

HOWEVER the contrast between sands eelings and my friends illustrates simply that all brides / grooms and weddinga re different so we just have to go along with the flow and stay away if we want to. There isnt a right or wrong,just different ideas of what a wedding should be.

Housemum · 02/04/2009 13:57

Sandpebbles - v tru that babies cause a stir - I went to friend's wedding when DD2 only 6 days old - tried to hide in corner and keep out of way, but everyone was making a fuss of her. Kept pointing out how wonderful X looked in her dress etc as felt awful that her relatives were cooing over a baby.

Original poster
sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 13:58

chequersmate I am not a troll. I do have two children as I mentioned in my posts, a two year old and currently a 9 month old. I would ideally like to take them both, hence the title of the thread. Obviously though my two year old would happily stay with my parents so not an issue there atall.

The issue with the cup is that at a year I intend to stop breastfeeding and introduce cows milk in a cup. I am currently getting him used to the cup with a bit of water, but as other breastfeeders will know whose babies have never taken milk from a bottle and don't express I don't know how he may react to the 'change over'. Taking water from a cup is one thing replacing the boob feed with a cup is another matter. With my dd she took milk from a cup at exactly 12 months but then got a cold and she went back to the breast for her evening feed. Once the cold was gone she did again take milk from the cup no problems atall. It is not as easy to just say he will be fine without a feed, some babies like to carry on with breastfeeds longer than others. I am not intending to force him to drink from a cup and I am not intending to leave him screaming for me either. I like giving my children what they need, shock horror shoot me now I like being a fulltime SAHM and have no desire to be apart from them. I am very happy in adult company to whoever suggested I may not be, crikey can't I like spending time with both my babies and adults at the same time?!

I think I'm going to play it by ear and see how he is with feeds etc nearer the time, thankyou for all sensible compromise suggestions. Maybe it will be that my parents could stay somewhere nearby with him and my dd or we just go to the ceremony and leave the reception early.

Goodness I didn't mean to cause such a problem with this thread, sorry if it's a repeated topic but I am far to sleep deprived to read the whole of MN to check all past posts. Ahh yes another reason leaving him might be a problem he still feeds in the night too, I don't seem to produce good sleepers who'd have guessed...

OP posts:
wibblewobbly · 02/04/2009 14:00

Im totally with you on this one sleepsforwimps. I hate it when only half of the family are invited. When I booked our wedding I wouldnt have thought for one minute not to invite children. Its crazy IMO.

Either invite the whole family or dont bother at all!

GorgonsGin · 02/04/2009 14:00

Sorrento - if you get irate at people leaving kids for 5 mins, you should have a look at a more extreme example! Mohze's thread about going to St Barts (see Mumsnet Classics). Not about weddings but...

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 14:00

I had loads of kids at my wedding (we didn't have any of our own at that point) and they really made the day.

Range of ages from 6mo to 6 years... They gave the older people something to fuss over and brought so much life and energy to the day. Plus they were first up for the disco (along with a couple of enthusiastic and brave dads!).

I think it depends whether you see a wedding as "your" day or a day for everyone to celebrate regardless of age etc. i think it's nice that all the generations are brought together for lifes big events.

Just my view though

SerendipitousHarlot · 02/04/2009 14:03

The thing is, whether people want time away from the DC is sort of irrelevant. The couple have NOT INVITED children - so the choice is simple - either go alone, or don't go!

From my pov, time away from dc is essential... and the idea of hardly any dc there at all? BLISS!

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 14:06

Now I have DD I find it much easier to understand why people would want a break!

When we married I couldn't understand why anyone would not want to bring their children. Very odd I thought... Now I know the terrible truth

PeachyLikesHerChoccyRabbit · 02/04/2009 14:07

The thing about abbaies causing a stir is an unwinnable thing though

DS3 was born on the day of my schoolfreidns son's baptism. I tried to get a discharge (knowing what she was llike) but PAed couldn't make it until 1, baptism was at 12.With travelling i'd have amde it to the last cear up in the dress I had worn when I went into labour the day before.

Friend hasn't spoken to me since for missing it (would say but reality is )

Had I have turned up though I know i'd have ahd a rant about stealing her ds's limelight or somesuch.

Some peoples way just don't tie in with our own.

Original poster
sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 14:12

Okay as I said before it's because he will only just be 1, if he was a bit older not a problem atall I could party the night away child free as good as the next woman. Nah let me change that, better than the next woman.

I have no intention ogf going against my friends wishes btw.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 02/04/2009 14:17

THe thing is, the sort of self-obsessed wankers who would take their children to a wedding ceremony when they have been asked not to do so are also exactly the sort of self-obsessed wankers who won't remove the child should it begin screaming and shitting or thundering round the room hurling bits of lego at other people. They will sit there rolling their eyes at everyone else and holding forth about how 'repressed' other people are and how 'spontaneous' and 'lovely' their horrible little snot-covered poltergiest is.

SerendipitousHarlot · 02/04/2009 14:25

So true, solid

KayHarkerIsPlayingWithMitchell · 02/04/2009 14:30

YABU YABU YABU

I threw in a few extra ones for the next couple of people who ask this.

Guests at a wedding are privileged onlookers on someone else's big day. If you don't like the arrangements that person has made and want to relinquish the privilege of being there, that's fine. You can't disregard the arrangements and still expect the privilege.

PeachyLikesHerChoccyRabbit · 02/04/2009 14:32

Yes that is true SGB.

However its never a given; if I do take ds's out thre's usually someone (My Dad) telling me I should relax and 'they're just kids'

I accepted my losing position many years ago, it is a relief

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 14:35

Blimey Kay "privileged onlookers on someone else's big day".

I don't think our families would have been happy with that description!

I went with people who wanted to join us for a celebration and a good time was had by all

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 14:38

That's absolute bollox solid, I have no problem leaving with a crying child if they are annoying other people and I think that's what gets my goat the most about this sort of thing, leave it up to me to decide if my child is behaving in a socially acceptable manner and if they aren't leave it to me to deal with them, don't make assumptions that every kid is a screaming brat who needs to be excluded.
Naturally though people judge by their own standards so perhaps those who exclude children do so because their own are such little shits ?

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/04/2009 14:39

depends if you want a child free night

if so,then start leaving your 9mth now for hour or 2 with gp's so he/they/you get used to it - and sure he will be ok with no bf for that day (tho you may need to express to relieve your aching boobs)

if not as someone said go and take parents and put them up in a cheap travel lodge etc or not go

SoupDreggon · 02/04/2009 14:41

No, Sorrento, I suspect it's because they're realistic about their children, unlike those self-centered wankers who think their little darling is behaving in a socially acceptable manner when they aren't.

KayHarkerIsPlayingWithMitchell · 02/04/2009 14:44

Yes, it's fabulous, lovely, shared celebration and all that.

But it's still a whacking great party that someone else is paying for and inviting you along to.

Much as I love my children, if I'm invited to something and they aren't, I don't kick up a stink because it's not about me and what I want or what is convenient to me. If I truly can't be separated from them, I just wouldn't go.

The choice is to go accepting the limitations or not go at all. You can't make up option 3 just because it's what you want.

I'm continually amazed this issue ever comes up, it's just so incredibly self-regarding and rude.

(And yes, I might be letting rip a little in AIBU because I'm in a bit of a mood, but still )

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 14:45

Well we'll have to agree to disagree won't we, just popping off my afternoon wank now

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 14:47

Well we had a no children rule at our wedding and even now that I have 3 of my own I completely respect and understand why others choose the same.

There was an element of wanting it perfect, absolutely! I'd planned it for 18mths spent 15k and yes, I wanted it to be about me. So what if that is selfish? It was one special day and do you know what? I'm glad I did it because before long I was pregnant,then a mother and of course you then never put yourself first again.

We had heavy draping and candles everywhere so toddlers wouldn't have been particularly safe either.

The was once at a wedding where the bride ended up in tears after two 5yr olds chasing each other ran into the reception room, grabbed one of the table coverings and pulled the whole place setting to the floor. The mother of one of them was the bride's new SIL. You see, if it was my 5yr old, I would make him behave. If he persisted in running around I'd take him home. I wouldn't care how far I'd travelled, what I'd spent getting there or what I'd miss. It's their day and unless you can be sure your children will not spoil it for them then they shouldn't be there.

jellybeans · 02/04/2009 14:50

YANBU I wouldn't go. It's up to them what they want but if it were me I would politely decline. I would go to an evening do with no kids but not all day (if I had a baby/young kids). I personally prefer weddings with kids running round but each to their own.