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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be able to take my children to my friends wedding

252 replies

sleepsforwimps · 02/04/2009 10:49

She politely told me that only children from her family are allowed at her wedding. The reason I'm given is she doesn't want the risk of anything spoiling her day..

This wouldn't be such a big deal if my ds was older, but he will be not much over a year by the time of the wedding. I am breastfeeding and I am now feel pressured into getting him drinking milk from a cup well enough that I can leave him with my parents by the time of the wedding. He has also never spent any time away from me and I don't like this pressure of having to leave him somewhere and getting him off the breast quicker than I maybe would have.

AIBU I want to take him with me, he's a very good baby, she wouldn't even know he was there.

OP posts:
abraid · 02/04/2009 17:03

I didn't ask children except for family ones. The venue only had room for 120 people. If we'd invited all 30 of our friends' children that would have been 30 friends who couldn't come?

Why? Why should i want a child I've never met in preference to a dear friend?

ramonaquimby · 02/04/2009 17:22

gawd why would anyone WANT to bring their kids to a wedding, invited or not? Child free, not worry about nappies and sticky hands and crying and winging b/c too tired/too hot/too bored. Great afternoon/night out with your lovely dh and friends? It's a no brainer for me.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 02/04/2009 18:14

Shambolic: the trouble is with the kind of 'all-generations-mingling-everywhere' approach to life is that it tends to mostly suit people with rather traditional 'family values' and can be utterly stifling for people who do not want to live conventional lives, whether that's women who want to work/remain childfree, gay people of either gender or folk who want to travel the world rather than 'settle down'.

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 18:19

Do people who do not want to live conventional lives have big wedding do's ?
That's not been my experience and the gay weddings I've been to have been the most traditional, family type weddings of all, as if they are over compensating.
If you don't want family/friends/old people/babies surely you run off to mexico ?
My cousin played a blinder, she invited absolutely everyone, young and old to her wedding, in Florida. Nobody could come but nobody could say they weren't invited.

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 18:20

But mingling everyone would mean everyone, not just people who fit into a "midsomer murders" style old fashioned village scenario.

I try to keep an open mind and can count all sorts of people amongst my friends and acquaintances. I have lived in the same area most of my life and it's nice that I can walk down the road and say hello in passing to people of all ages, walks of life, "lifestyle" etc.

It's just sad that we all sit in our own little boxes being unwilling/scared to meet any other types of people. That surely is more stifling.

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 18:22

Mind you having said that I met most of the people during my drinking years, they're all pub people. I did find the people I met on ante-natal etc more traditional types and wasn't so keen. And in fact don't see them any more...

But I did try

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 02/04/2009 18:28

Shambolic: Oh I think people should be able to mix with all kinds of people: what really tends to worry me is people who make a big deal oout of 'community' when they mean 'geographical proximity' as the more closed-in a community, the more unhealthy it is for anyone who isn't just like the other members. TIght-knit communities need scapegoats to function properly, which is why isolated tight-knit communities are so dangerous.

Shambolic · 02/04/2009 18:35

Oh crikey well I couldn't live in a village where everybody knew everyone elses business! It's bad enough round here...

I just notice that through life we are often mixed with other people exactly the same as us - I have met people who I know have never encountered anyone outside of their own little world. I think it's quite sad.

People should be forced to go and meet old people and babies and teenagers and people covered in tattoos and vegetarians and farmers and people from different religions and people who live in big houses and people who live in caravans and everyone would be a lot more understanding.

Well not forced obviously, and it wouldn't work, but it's a nice idea...

noddyholder · 02/04/2009 19:02

This thread wouldn't even exist in spain greece italy....They would think we were barking

Tidey · 02/04/2009 19:08

I understand your point, who's to say that your child would be any more likely to spoil her day than any child related to her? On the other hand, her wedding, her rules I'm afraid.

odisco · 02/04/2009 19:14

I'm with madwomanintheattic - can (and have done) both types. And it's far easier without a child!

You're wrong if you think she won't notice - this is their big day. Most couples I know without children, including myself, asked their friends not to bring their children. Not one person I spoke to about it was upset and the majority used it as an excuse to have holiday without.

When it was weddings and my baby was very small i just went to the church/ceremony and the partner who knew the friend least (there is always one) was on 'leave the church if they are crying' duty. I have taken my mum as babysitter on a couple of occasions for important weddings - worth the extra expense.

You don't have to go - but think bout it. you have the rest of your child's life to spend with him and only one chance to go to this wedding.

islandofsodor · 02/04/2009 19:24

My parents once took my grandmother uninvited to her neice's church ceremony but to us as a family of churchgoers that isn't rude, just normal.

I really cannot beleive that people think they have an automatic right to dictate who should be invited to what is essentially a party. When you have 1-00 guests already for example, an extra 20 children makes a huge differece

Just decline and have done with it.

Thunderduck · 02/04/2009 19:25

...mutters that we aren't in Spain,Italy or Greece and that they do a lot of things that I think are crazy.

Anyway I like child free weddings. I've enjoyed weddings with children present but tend to prefer the smaller more formal weddings I've been too. Though I tend to dislike weddings in general.

It's the bride's choice imho, and if you decline she shouldn't harangue you about it, but it works the other way about too.

KayHarkerIsPlayingWithMitchell · 02/04/2009 19:26

noddy, no doubt, but that's the difference in culture.

I couldn't live in a culture that didn't understand orderly queueing.

Thunderduck · 02/04/2009 19:26

Couple's choice not just the bride's sorry.

Thunderduck · 02/04/2009 19:26

Couple's choice not just the bride's sorry.

Thunderduck · 02/04/2009 19:26

I've no idea why that posted twice.

chegirl · 02/04/2009 19:34

I wish I couldve had a child free wedding day. Not because I dont like kids - I love em. Because there were a lot of kids that I didnt want to come because A. there are tons of them and it made planning v.difficult and v.expensive. B. they are not well behaved.

I didnt have the option of not inviting them because they are family. If I said NO kids at all they wouldnt have come but I would have excluded lots of people and their lovely kids.

Maybe your friend has certain kids in mind but is in a similar position. She either has to have all or none and she really cant face the 'all' option.

Anyhow, its their wedding and when you get married you are always having to deal with other people's flippen ideas on the perfect wedding.

So many people think they have the right to comment on what you do on your big day. I was flabberghasted to be told by various friends and family (and odd types) 'you cant wear a short dress' ' You have to have this reading' 'You have to have so and so as a page/bridesmaid' 'You shouldnt have hymns' 'you cant take your dog' 'You have to have a honeymoon' on and bloody on!

Ewe · 02/04/2009 19:45

I can't think why anyone would want children at a wedding. It's a party, I don't take my DD to my friends birthday parties or dinner parties because they are adult occasions. IMO a wedding is the same.

Don't forget some people just don't like children, I am not a huge fan and although I adore my own DD on the whole I find children fairly annoying.

Ewe · 02/04/2009 19:47

Can't see many kids at Eastenders wedding and we all know that 'enders is positively inspirational

letswiggle · 02/04/2009 19:47

haven't read it all, but yabu and you'll have much more fun without the baby anyway. I had kids at my wedding but hardly any of my friends had any. I wouldn't let anyone bring children apart from babes in arms if I was getting married now (10 years on) as the whole place would be overrun.

smallorange · 02/04/2009 19:52

I took mine to a good friend's wedding and after 45 mins called my mum to come and pick them up as they were bored and I was wanting to get pissed wanting to socialise.

After a year he'll be drinking from a cup etc

And you will be desperate for a good time. Go and enjoy yourself FFS.

smallorange · 02/04/2009 19:53

That is the first time I tried to do the crossing out thing and it didn't work. AM going to sulk on another thread.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/04/2009 20:09

smallorange, you need to put the -- around each word, not the whole phrase.

Natt82 · 02/04/2009 20:15

We were invited to a wedding last September (no kids allowed) when DS2 was 5mo and still ex.BF. We just went for the service (about 90 minutes) and then went home, and then went for the evening do (at 5m he was sleeping 8pm-4am). Worked great - we got the service and the evening piss up, but none of the meal (which the bride/groom were grateful for as it saved them money/they could invite someone else for sit down meal)

Granted we were only 15 minutes down the road, but its easily do-able. I caught up with speeches on the video afterwards, and being a friend wasnt expected to be in any photos of the chuch anyway, they just grabbed some of us all at the evening do on the disposible ones.

I dont begrudge anyone saying no kids. Its their day. We had a wedding full of children and loved it, but can see why others dont (I cant actually hear anything over the noise of several kiddies on my wedding video, but I dont care!)