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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

315 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 19:29

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 28/03/2009 19:39

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tigermoth · 28/03/2009 20:33

'saying it your presence not presents we want'

that's what Lauranatt put first. IMO the rest of her message is put into context by that.

lunamoon2 · 28/03/2009 21:15

This post has given me an idea.

For every Christmas and birthday that my children have, I am going to put a poem in the party invites. Something along the lines of.....

Please come to my child's party, they would love you to come
By the way to save you from the embarrasment of giving a really naff, unwelcome gift,of which my children already have enough, please put cash donations only in the birthday/Christmas/Easter cards

I will of course send you a full colour brochure of the new fitted kitchen/bedroom/holiday to Barbados, which we have enjoyed curtesy of your kind "donation".

Alternatively you may tell me to "sod off" and spend the day alone,which is exactly what I would do if any so called "friend" sent me such a greedy, ungratful poem.

Chow!!

ben5 · 28/03/2009 21:19

my brother asked for money for honeymon and a friend of ours asked for b&q vouchers. i would much rather buy things the bride and groom wanted than they return them. it was so much easier that way

expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 21:24

you know, lunamoon, you're onto something!

because after all, kids being kids, their birthday and their birthday party is their day and all about them.

what's funny is that most people i know already give money as a wedding gift. i do (or a voucher if they have a place they're registered).

but demand money out of me and you'll get it: in the form of a contribution to Oxfam .

DandyLioness · 28/03/2009 21:52

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Desiderata · 29/03/2009 00:05

Bad form to mention it at all.

Just get married, you feckers.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2009 00:07

Just word of mouth it.

You have kids now.

Just get married!

Gees, I feel the odd one out nowadays, being married .

Desiderata · 29/03/2009 00:12
treedelivery · 29/03/2009 00:20

The last few weddings I've been to have had a request for money on the 'added info' sheet with directions etc. I wasn't offended, I see it as no different to a gift list - which are widely used.

It was put in terms of 'a contribution to the honeymoon/new sofa/house deposit'

As the invitations were from friends I know well, who I know to have all the silver picture frames they could never need, I felt this was a good use of my funds.

SalBySea · 29/03/2009 00:36

bit of a diversion but what is the current "done" amount to give?

tigermoth · 29/03/2009 10:26

It is difficult to mention the money word in a wedding invite, I have to admit. Easier to stick to vouchers or mention on the invite that you're saving up for a special project, like a new kitchen and indicate ways guests can help you reach your target.

I do think it's important that guests aren't forced to reveal how much they spend on the couple. If monay or vouchers are openly asked for, then guests should have the option of keeping the actual amount secret from the bride and groom. When you buy a present, you'd do this naturally, unless you gave the couple the receipt.

I don't think you can draw an analogy between a child's birthday party and a wedding invite. It is generally accepted that guests may be sent a wedding list, but not generally accepted that children may be sent a birthday gift list. So there is a precedent set for guiding wedding guests towards specific giving.

Habbibu · 29/03/2009 11:12

That's the problem, Sal - I think cash makes people feel like they have to give the "done" amount, so rather than, say, spend £25 on a couple of lovely espresso cups or somesuch, you feel obliged to give a cheque or vouchers for £40 or £50. I know I've felt like that, and have given more in cash than I would have spend on the present, where I would have made the effort to seek out something particularly attractive and appropriate, but maybe not as expensive.

While tigermoth's "secret" suggestion remedies this, it really makes it even more impersonal and "transactional", if that makes sense.

fwiw - the things we treasured most were lovely small things (like a couple of espresso cups) which were just beautiful and clearly a lot of thought had gone into their choice. It doesn't matter that we already had some, as using them reminds us of our friends.

singalongamumum · 29/03/2009 11:18

Haven't read all posts so sorry if I'm repeating.

People want to give you something you would like to receive, so tell them how to do that. Could you make some kind of joke of it... "We are too old and wizened for presents, so please just come and enjoy the day. On the other hand, if you are desperate to give us something we will have a box available on the day into which you could slip a tenner or some such contribution towards our honeymoon." Cover a cardboard box in green paper and call it the honeymoon hedge fund or summat.

OR is there someone else that you could ask to organise the gifts/ collection? Then you can say no gifts thanks, and someone else can say they're organising a shared contribution to the honeymoon.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2009 13:25

A box for people to put money in.

Why not just hire casual staff to run a table charging admission?

Seriously, if you don't need gifts then you don't need gifts.

A polite, no gifts please, thank you and that's that.

If people still want to give you money, they will.

I don't get this 'contribute to our honeymoon/sofa/dart board' crap.

CAn't afford a honeymoon? Don't have one.

Can't afford a wedding? Don't have one.

It's supposed to be a party, not a fund-raiser.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/03/2009 13:58

i honestly dont see the problem in asking for vouchers or money or a present from a gift list

whether you decide to buy a photo frame for £30 or a kettle or give money/vouchers - you are still spending the same amount

cornsilk · 29/03/2009 14:04

I was only joking about getting them all from John Lewis by the way.

tigermoth · 29/03/2009 14:20

But expat, lots of people who hold parties have 'bring a bottle' parties. You hold a christmas party, guests (some) would bring a gift or ask if they can contribue towards the party fare, you hold a birthday party, guests bring a birthday present etc etc.

Isn't is sort of accepted that when people hold parties, guests will often reciprocate in some way? Why should weddings be any different?

Are you really saying that only people who can afford a wedding without getting anything from their guests should get married?

That means a lot of non rich people would be living in sin or have to get married on the quiet with no guests

expatinscotland · 29/03/2009 14:24

I've never once been an invited to a non-wedding party where someone demanded cash in return.

Or anything, for that matter.

'Are you really saying that only people who can afford a wedding without getting anything from their guests should get married? '

You know perfectly well I'm not. If you don't need presents because you have everything you need, then it goes to follow you don't need a gift of money, either.

If you can't afford to pay for a wedding without your guests' monetary contribution, then why not just charge admission rather than beating around the bush?

A gift should always been an offering not an obligation.

Docbunches · 29/03/2009 14:48

I think asking for money OR vouchers is bad form, even saying "monetary gifts would be gratefully received", because that's exactly the same thing! I also dislike the witty poem thing, it makes me cringe.

Personally, I would either say nothing about gifts, ask for NO presents, or only charity donations. But I think I'm probably in a minority on MN regarding this issue.

Last year, DP and I had a wedding invitation asking for honeymoon OR charity donations - we chose charity (the couple could easily afford to pay for their own honeymoon).

Mamhaf - like you, I would be absolutely furious if I gave someone £50 for a wedding present and didn't get a thankyou!

Habbibu · 29/03/2009 18:32

Tiger - are you suggesting that guests are giving cash to pay for the wedding itself? because in that case I'd rather be asked for help - either bringing a dish, or helping with flowers, etc. And we chose a v. simple village hall do - can't beat it, frankly.

Poppity · 29/03/2009 19:28

We had the holiday vouchers, we also put it on our invitations in the same way that people would attach their wedding gift list information. In fact it was very well received,it was a few years ago now and a relatively new idea. We had so many people say to us how lovely it was that they had contributed to our honeymoon- which we wouldn't have afforded otherwise as DH had gone back to university to train as a doctor.
I would never be offended if I was asked for money in a wedding invite, or a christening for that matter. Most of the time now people are already set up in their home, the idea of a gift list is a bit outdated.
I think I put in the invite that THomas Cook vouchers were what we would prefer if people wanted to give us a gift, I thought being matter of fact was the best way. Lots of people just put money in instead.
And if you do offend anyone- let them be offended . They'd spend anyway on a present, and it's your day! (and their problem!)

Poppity · 29/03/2009 19:35

I can't believe all you sour people who are upset by this- don't you like doing nice things for your friends?!

ahfeckit · 29/03/2009 19:35

I personally think it's rude (Even though it's the done thing these days and is acceptable) to ask for money as a wedding gift. we didn't ask for any gifts at our wedding, so we got various things from money to towels and things we need around the home. everything was appreciated, but I would have felt awful asking for money. As it turned out, we got a ridiculous amount of money, and that was without asking for it.

Habbibu · 29/03/2009 19:37

Oh, yes, that's it, Poppity. People who object to being asked for money or gifts just don't like doing nice things for their friends.

Or perhaps they just don't like to see invitations to celebrations of marriage as transactions?