to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

[CrackopentheBaileys]

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

Good post Vezzie, I agree with every word and put so much better than me.

Again, I think to demand money off someone, under the guise of a gift, is crass. Because a gift is supposed to be something that's freely given.

I don't even like wedding lists either
But then I've never been to a wedding where the couple are actually moving out from their parents' and setting up home.......I might feel differently in that instance.
The asking for money poems make me squirm.

My DH is a musician and an old school friend asked if he'd play at his wedding. It was going to cost alot of money.....transport from south coast to Carlisle, 2 nights in a hotel, 2 days absent from work. He said he'd do it, but when when his friend posted a map of where to find the venue and it contained a wedding list, pulled out. He'd thought the playing was his gift.

I think people don't realise how much it can cost people to even attend a wedding I know it's a nice day, sometimes with food an' all, but guests are paying out for transport, sometimes accomodation, often new outfits etc etc.

We just wanted our guests to share our day and didn't put out a list of things we wanted or ask for money. We did get some lovely gifts, but they were sweet and personal. We didn't have the money for a honeymoon, but it never occurred to us to ask for family and friends to pay for one for us.

Gentle, that was cheeky about pinning more money onto the dress after asking for cash in cards.
We felt lucky to receive those little presents that made us feel worth £1,000,000

that birthday scenario is nothing like a wedding scenario. sorry. it's not the same thing. agree with a few others.

it's just darn right greedy and money snatching to put a poem asking for money. or should that be begging??

you might as well say 'gimme the money now or don't bother coming to the wedding'. it's just plain rude. i would never have dreamed of adding that to my invites when i got married a few years ago. they got the details of where and when the wedding was, and that was all that was needed really. nothing else.

I'm really concerned about the number of you who have received wedding invitations demanding 'money with menaces'!!! I have never in my life received an invite where ANYTHING was 'demanded' in return for the invitation to help celebrate a marriage.

I have, however, received invites that state something along the lines of 'for those of you who would really like to give us a gift, we enclose a gift list/request list' etc.

Most people like to give a gift to a couple getting married, in the same way that they might give a birthday/anniversary/Valentine's/Christmas/sorry you're leaving/good luck/sorry you're feeling poorly etc gift.

And I've always found that most people prefer to think of the recipient, rather than themselves or their whims, when making that gift.

So if the recipient would prefer money, that's what I would give. Good manners, I think.

No-one has recived menacing requests, Plump, it's just that the inclusion of a gift list/request for money or vouchers does set up an expectation, no matter how you word it.

In what way, exactly, Habbibu?

Oh, I have written it a lot on this thread, plump - do you mind if I don't rehearse it again?

Actually, read what Gentle has written - she's put it much better than me.

I have just read Gentle's post and I can't help but feel that she was doing her friend a disservice. Surely a close friend wouldn't think any of the mean thoughts that Gentle was so worried about?

I don't feel that to ask for money is to set up an expectation, any more than provide details of a gift list. If that is how the guest perceives it, surely that is their issue? You are still not obliged to give anything- that is your choice. And, of course, if you are that opposed to lists/ cash etc, then give your own choice.

thanks plumpchoc, i couldn't have put it better myself.

I do think any mention of a gift with an invitation sets an expectation and also that people are judgemental about what is given on a list and it is linked immediately to monetary value.

Stop pretending otherwise.

Allow people to give freely or not at all but don't pretend that people don't judge by the gift you chose from the list or not buying from the list
They do..I've seen it over and over again.
I've also heard people saying that they can't go to weddings because of the expectation to provide these obvious and obligatory shows of love and wealth to "share" the happy day

It's distasteful to expect a gift imho and I agree with Gentle
Excellent post, by the way

haven't read all of this - so sorry if this is now irrelevant.

I don't like wedding invites that ask for money - it makes my skin crawl.

We said that we didn't want presents - but that if people wanted to give to one of a selection of charities then they were welcome to.

Not everyone gave - but some did and i was very grateful for those that did, but to be honest the whole cost of attending the wedding was more than enough for us - so if people came we were delighted.

I've been to a lot of weddings lately and most asked for John Lewis VOUCHERS, I wasn't offended to be asked to buy vouchers, makes much more sense if you already have a home set up.

And, it was always mentioned on a separate sheet - (in with the invitation) usually on the directions sheet, something along the lines, of ' if you would like to give a gift, we are saving for a new * so john lewis vouchers would be welcome.'

One friend did not even put in a list - she got all sorts of stuff, enough vases to open a florist and nothing matched. A real gamble unless people know the couple very very well indeed!

Perhaps I'm naive, then, Ronaldinhio- or perhaps it's just that I tend to think well of my fellow man.

I don't believe that any of my friends or family (and they are the only ones to whose wedding I might be invited) are that judgemental. And, frankly, it wouldn't concern me if they were. They would probably be the kind of people who could price up any gift they were given in one glance. But I would feel that I have done the correct thing and their attitudes are theirs to own, not mine to worry about.

I've never felt that I have to give a gift- it has always been my choice. And I've always been grateful for the indication of what might be preferred.

But that's all I've ever felt it to be- an indication, should I choose to give. Not a demand.

COTB -
My two penny worth for what its worth

We get Married this saturday and like you we have everything we could need and more!! So we decided we would like Thomson vouchers / or cash towards a honemymoon instead.
So when I sent the wedding invites out along with theinformation about hotels etc etc I wrote a little note and put it in with them which said we have been asked about a wedding list, and that collectively we had enough toot between us to not only survive for hte next 30 years, but send DD off on her way when she is old enough to fly the nest. And we do no expect presents off of anyone, them sharing our day with us is all we ask, however if they did wish to offer a token or present please could we have Thomson vouchers or cash so that we could put it towards a honemoon. (to us either vouchers or cash was fine)

Judging by the number of people who have got hold of me in the past 2 weeks to check it was Thomson vouchers I would say plenty are fine with doing that!!

And I think if you want the cash for soemthing large, ie, we are planning on buying a conservatory / new BBQ/ what ever then I think people udnerstand they are still contruibuting to something worth while even by giving you cash.

Good luck!!

Have not got time to read all 12 pages of this. If DP and I ever get round to getting married I have already decided that I will put on the invites that we do not want gifts but would rather people send money to a charity instead. We have both been married before, set up home nearly 5 years ago and most of the stuff was new. I also think that having been married before it is a bit cheeky to ask for gifts a second time round.

Good luck with your big day Clarity2005!

With the Thomson Vouchers, what if you recieve more than your honeymoon is worth?

I haven't read all the posts, but for all the weddings I have been to over the last 10 years or so, there has been no traditional wedding list, but have been requests for vouchers for certain shops or cash, we did the same, along the lines of (as we have been together some time now, we don't have a gift list, but should you so wish we would be happy to recive john lewis vouchers or money, to put towards dinning room furniture)

I can't remember the exact wording,but it was similar to invites we had recieved, I personally would never go to a wedding without taking a gift of some description, I actually think that would be quite rude.

I have been to a few weddings where the couple gave no clues as to what they would like. For all I know my gift to them could be unopened in the back of a cupboard . i would rather give money or vouchers and know they were being used . I have a fab dinning room suite which i would not have been able to afford normally and know that it was bought by my wedding guests.

COTB -
Due to a further complication ( we fell pregnant a bit quicker then expected ) it means we had to pre book our honeymoon, (not just see waht we got and where it would take us afterwards like we planned!!) we have booked and paid for it ourselves, but Thomson do this good thing where you take the voucehrs in before you fly ( so in our case monday) and they refund you back that money to your bank card / cash / CC dependant on how you paid in the first place!!

If we got extra ( which I cant see happening, we are only having a small wedding) then we would keep the vouchers to go towards a weekend away next year or a family holiday.

But a word of advise dont opt for Thomas Cook they have lots of conditions attached to their's which were not applicable with Thompson. Thompsons treated it same as cash against any holiday product tehy sell, not just their own!

'I also think that having been married before it is a bit cheeky to ask for gifts a second time round. '

I agree.

Plenty of people saying, 'We have enough stuff', but then, 'We would like cash to buy a new dining room set/kitchen/etc.'

You either have enough stuff or you don't.

If you do, why ask for gifts at all?

FWIW, I always give a cash or vouchers if they've specified a shop.

But if I get one of those cheeky poems which ALL say, 'Give us money or get knotted, you tightwad' or any other request of 'No gifts but money' then I usually decline the invitatoin and send along a card of congratulations. With no cheque in it.

I definitaly think that any wedding where guests have to pay out a lot to attend, like Paiselyleaf's example, means your hosts should not expect a big gift - or even a gift at all. And that includes money - agree it would be cheeky to suggest a money gift if guests are forking out hundreds of pounds to be there.

Likewise, I agree that money should only be one option if this is suggested - and vouchers are probably much safer to add to a wedding list (how you approach the money thing depends on your guests).

But generally, I cannot see how it is fundamentally rude to add money as an option, if it's done tactfully (and that might be word of mouth). As a guest I think it's good manners to fit in with the hosts - a point already mades by others.

If friends of mine are paying for a wedding - irrespective of how many times they have been married before, and how much stuff they have, I would feel I'd want to give them something.

I'd do this as they would be paying for the wedding. I'd be eating food and drink they had paid for, having a jolly social time at their expense. So I'd feel it was only right to get them a gift in return.

And if they wanted money (and I was asked in a nice way), I would be fine about this.

They may have enough stuff, but that's why giving money towards them having an 'experience' like jetskiing, is fine by me - a good alternative. They pay for me to have a nice time at their wedding, I pay for them to have a nice time in Bermuda. What's the problem in that?

I can always say 'no' to the wedding invite - no one is forcing me to go.

As I mentioned before, however, I do have one reservation about giving money or vouchers - I think if guests want to keep secret the cost or amount of money, this should be possible.

Agree with Gentle et al and I think it's disingenuous to imagine any list/request doesn't set up an expectation.

Anyway, I'm so ancient and have been to so many weddings I ignore any non-list or charity requests and give them a good photoframe, of which you can never have enough (IMHO)