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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

315 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 19:29

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

OP posts:
ahfeckit · 29/03/2009 19:41

As for the acceptable amount of a wedding voucher or cheque for a gift at a couple's wedding, we have always given £50 cheques or £50 John Lewis or Debenhams vouchers(or whatever gift list they are with).
I agree with a PP that giving £25 in the form of a cheque doesn't look as good as buying a gift off a gift list (a set of towels, or a set of pots and pans).

ahfeckit · 29/03/2009 19:43

we have had friends who had wedding gift lists at Debenhams or other department stores but we never buy from them, we just give vouchers or cheques. I just don't agree with gift lists. Doesn't mean I don't give a toss about my friends who are getting married. It's all personal preference I suppose.

treedelivery · 29/03/2009 19:50

I'm quite surprised this thread has generated so much tbh.

I'm always just totally chuffed to recieve an invitation, and excited about what to wear and who I'll be able to catch up with at the 'do'. I'm not really concerned about how I feel about any of the day, as I am consider myself luck and honoured to be invited.

As to the gift/donation/charity request, I just assume that whatever they want is right for them and that's what I'm interested in, contributing the the couples happy memories of the day. Be that through honeymoon contribution or some towels or whatever.

Poppity · 29/03/2009 20:23

Exactly treedelivery, that's just what I was trying (very badly) to say.

Habbibu, I simply don't understand why so many people seem so worked up about this. Read treedelivery's post- isn't that what it should be about?

expatinscotland · 29/03/2009 20:54

'Read treedelivery's post- isn't that what it should be about?'

It should be about celebrating a new marriage, yes.

Not a fund-raising event.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 29/03/2009 21:03

Expat will probably object, but this is the great thing about being registered! People know where to put their money.

You can be registered at Thomas Cook, right

expatinscotland · 29/03/2009 21:33

I don't have a problem with registries or gift lists, but the whole 'money's the only option we consider as a gift' is just rude.

Actually, one of my first cousins got married in December and because she and her military officer husband were moving to Italy in March, they didn't ask for any gifts at all.

Of course, they were deluged with money instead.

I sent her $100.

vezzie · 29/03/2009 21:45

haven't read the whole thread but will clodhop in where angels fear to tread anyway.

It's greedy I think but no worse than a traditional wedding list. I have spent so much money (often when broke) on wedding presents and at the time I just got on with it, but now I am collectively pissed off with the lot of the grasping entitled smug gits.

I am especially pissed off with the ones who earn loads more than me and the ones who already live together and the ones who asked for trailfinders vouchers for their INSANELY luxurious antipodean honeymoon AND I STILL GET THE FRIGGING BROCHURE TO MY HOME ADDRESS NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I BEG THEM TO STOP SENDING IT AT GOD KNOWS WHAT COST TO THE PLANET AND I WILL NEVER HAVE A HOLIDAY LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE

and

THOSE PEOPLE NEVER SAID THANK YOU

They also did not invite my DP as he was not important enough.

Anyway if people need a leg up to set up home and I am fond of them I would love to help them out. but when weddings are just occasions when well established people write lists of luxury stuff that they want at their guests' expense, well fuck off, i have had enough.

sorry about the shouting. nothing to do with OP really either. oh well

expatinscotland · 29/03/2009 21:55

Tell it like it is, vessie .

stainesmassif · 29/03/2009 22:03

I don't see a problem with people asking for money for their wedding gift, we did it ourselves, though did say that we really didn't want anything, but if people really wanted to etc etc, lots of diy to do and baby on the way.

What I object to are overseas stag and hen dos. yes, i am pleased that you're getting married, but really don't want to spend my annual leave on your elaborate wedding preparations.

treedelivery · 29/03/2009 22:06

Totally agree with you Vessie. In particular about the Trailfinders brochure. They do keep sending those buggers don't they!?

Needless to say all my mate's weddings involved people who were actively saving for new loo's or carpets etc.

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/03/2009 22:43

stainesmassif.... you must be VERY close to me.... AIIIIIII

((proud of my giant thread emoticon))

OP posts:
stainesmassif · 29/03/2009 22:57

Crack - I am actually nearer to pooley green innit. enjoy the wedding and just don't worry about what people do or don't think - if they love you they'll understand. that's what i told myself whilst nervously writing my invitations.

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/03/2009 23:02

omg I live in pooley Green! Small small world!

OP posts:
stainesmassif · 29/03/2009 23:15

how weird....funnily enough i arranged an interview with a childminder for this week - she lives next door but one to me!!!! neither of us realised whilst on the phone....anyway, enough staines related banter, where's my wedding invitation!!

tigermoth · 30/03/2009 08:22

Just a quick point on the idea of equating weddings with fund raising events:

Lets say the happy couple can afford either a wedding or a new kitchen. They decide they want to get married and put their kitchen money savings towards this.

So yes they can afford to get married, but it means they will be sacrificing something else they planned.

They know their guests will want to get them presents - as most guests do at weddings.

So, is is such a bad idea that the couple guide thier guests towards gifts, vouchers and even money that will help them get a new kitchen?

Eveyone wins - the couple get a wedding, the guests get to go to the wedding and celebrate this with their friends, AND the guest know their giving will go towards something the couple really want.

alicecrail · 30/03/2009 11:28

tigermoth this is what happened with our wedding, although not planned like that. We had a small informal wedding and ended up getting more back than we spent, which was very nice indeed!!

I think you are right that most people are more than happy to give money if they know it is being spent on something the couple really want

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 30/03/2009 12:10

Stainesmassif you are more than welcome

I'm a childminder....... did you get it sorted?

OP posts:
ImpatientGriselda · 30/03/2009 12:41

I chose gift vouchers from a John Lewis wedding list for my cousin; and received a lovely, albeit original, thank you card, saying that they'd been spent on a pair of jeans for the bride, as the groom had insisted on spending other vouchers on some rather dull binoculars...

Somewhat eccentric, but it made me laugh, and I didn't begrudge it in the least

pinkdelight · 30/03/2009 12:56

Not read the whole thread, so sorry if this has already been mentioned - my friend used a cool wedding present website where you were paying towards various experiences for their honeymoon e.g. a candlelit dinner, a jet-skiing lesson etc. So all the guests used the website to pledge x amount of money towards one of the 'gifts', but in reality they didn't have to spend it on that paricular thing, just on having a great honeymoon. I thought it was a great way of doing it, although I don't have any objection to giving money anyway.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2009 14:02

But you're not 'guiding' when you give your guests no other welcome option for gifts than money.

girlywhirly · 30/03/2009 14:10

I recently received an evening invitation from a second cousin, containing a truly appalling poem requesting money to go towards their honeymoon, a tour of the U.S.A. Although the poem stated it was voluntary, we all know that means you're tight if you don't send something.
O.P., please don't do a poem.

I have no problem with sending a donation, it costs far less than paying for a cattery, travelling 200 miles, staying at a hotel, attending a party where I will know very few people, and those I do know I'm not bothered about seeing. I have never met the groom. Basically, I am being invited to this wedding party out of courtesy, as the bride came to mine, but the rest of the time we have no contact unless we meet at a funeral.

I think that if wedding guests are asked to give money or vouchers, the giver likes to know what they are going to be spent on, at least. Some people like to have an idea of what to get. But whether you have a wedding list or not, some people will always give a gift that they want to give, you can't regulate it.

Habbibu · 30/03/2009 14:26

It's the asking I object to, not the cash, though I do find cash/vouchers very impersonal - let it be known by word of mouth, etc but just don't put it in the invitation - it's presumptuous.

stainesmassif · 30/03/2009 14:39

crack - too weird!! am i meeting you this week??? thought i was meeting every available cm in pooley green! do you have vacancies??

Notmyselftoday · 30/03/2009 14:54

I'm really surprised at how many people hate the money, vouchers thing. How is it different to a wedding list? After all isn't that just as presumptuous? You can choose how much you spend on the wedding list as you can in vouchers. It isn't as if the bride and groom won't know you've only bought a teaspoon from the wedding list or given a £5 token, so it can't be about how much you want to spend on a present.

FWIW, IMO the really annoying weddings are those you are expected to pay loads to travel to exotic hen nights abroad. That kind of thing narks me.