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Original poster

to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

315 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 19:29

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

OP posts:
vicky11 · 28/03/2009 08:24

I am not married but been with my fella and two kids for 11 years. Got invited to a wedding last night abroad and they asked for money in a poem. I personally thought it was very cheeky especially when people had already spent lots of money getting to the venue etc. At the end of the evening they disappeared for ages. I later found out they were counting their money to pay for the d.j !!!!!
From that experience when we get married next year I will certainly not ask for money but maybe vouchers of some sort??
I also think It must be nice to have some lovely present as a momento of the day like a picture or something. Can't imagine getting married and having no presents!! Obviously not loads of toasters though!!!

Flamesparrow · 28/03/2009 08:27

I have no porblem being asked for money.

The only thing I did about was the invite that contained an envelope for you to put the money in for their "wishing well".

Ask me for money, fine. Don't assume I will give it and give me an envelope.

Flamesparrow · 28/03/2009 08:29

I have never understood why people think vouchers are ok, but cash not

jellybeans · 28/03/2009 08:38

I know of 2 people who asked for vouchers, I thought was great idea.

aGalChangedHerName · 28/03/2009 08:48

Our family and friends asked what we wanted and we said cash or vouchers. I wouldn't put the poem thingy in the invites,that's crass IMO.

I am going to a wedding next week (work mate of DH's that i don't know) and i am giving a cheque/cash and it is the most sensible thing to do.

I would also give cash or whatever to a family member.

RuthChan · 28/03/2009 08:53

I'm afraid I haven't read the entire thread but here's my ten pence worth. For various reasons we didn' twant household stuff either. We asked people for either money or small personal gifts. Money was collected together by my parents and we received it all as a single sum.We knew who had given so we could thank them, but we never knew individual amounts, as you wouldn't usually with presents.It worked well and I don't think people minded. Those who didn't want to give money simply gave something small of their own choosing.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 28/03/2009 09:06

Can I just ask whilst this thread is running, if you are asked for cash and decide to give it, what is the least amount you can give without looking totally stingy ?

We received an invite yesterday saying they had everything they needed, if we wanted to bring a gift it would very gratefully received but they would particularly welcome contributions to their honeymoon fund. We were going to buy them a cherry tree, do I give the equivelant in money or is there an unspoken rule on what you give?

expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 09:08

I think your gift sounds lovely, Wynken!

No need to supplement it with anything else.

What a thoughtful present!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 28/03/2009 09:32

Thanks Expat. I wanted to get them something along those lines as he made us some lovely pottery bowl for our wedding which I rwallylove. But I was a bit thrown when the invite arrived and thought maybe I should scrap the tree and give cash instead (haven't enough caffeine in me to explain properly!). Thinking on it I am going to stick with the tree as I want them look at the blossom each spring and remember their wedding and with a bit of luck have fruit later in the year,they are keen gardeners and have an allotment so I think they will appreciate it.

mrsjammi · 28/03/2009 09:56

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mrsjammi · 28/03/2009 09:57

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orangehead · 28/03/2009 10:00

I got married just over a year ago and we were in a similar situation as regards having everything. But I knew things like my washing machine and fridge was on thier last legs. But obviously you cant ask for things like that. So we decided the gift vouchers would be the best thing so that we could put towards those sort of things. We felt money was too cheecky to ask for. Plus we didnt like the idea of asking in the invitation so only said when people asked.
Those gift vouchers actually ended up being a life saver and we ended up being even more grateful to those people. A few months after several unexpected things happened, wont bore you with all the details but we were really struggling with money. The only way we managed to get through those couple of months was to use the vouchers for food shoppping. I will never forgot how much that helped us at really difficult time

junkcollector · 28/03/2009 10:45

A friend of mine created a 'good Gifts' wedding list. She put stuff on it that meant something to her and her DH (e.g she is an architect so put 'build a school building' on the list)

www.goodgifts.org/wedding_list

Haven't read all the rest of thread so sorry if I have X posted.

Thrifty · 28/03/2009 10:47

I have read the whole thread and it seems a really tricky subject here.
I have been to a wedding in the past where the couple have been togther for ages and they asked for money. They had set up 2 different bank accounts and asked for cheques. you wrote on the back of the cheque which fund you wanted to contibute to. Something sensible, Just for fun. I didnt mind at all.
However, thinking on what you really need. If you want a new bathroom, why don't you choose one, right down to the last details, get every part of it costed out and use the bathroom company as your wedding list. I'm sure in the current climate they would be happy to go the extra mile for your business.
so, as someone said earlier in the thread, your guests can gift you parts of the bathroom, i,e. Taps, tiles, toilet seat, basin, bath mat,a contribution towards the bath. you could also ask for a plumber for day, a tiler, a plasterer etc (if you have 200 guests I'm guessing that you will have someone who will give their time and can do the jobs) . if you word it right, you could end up with your bathroom as a wedding present. The when people come and visit, they will be able to see their gift to you being used and appreciated.

Sheeta · 28/03/2009 10:48

Having read this thread it has made me think twice before asking for money from people... in two minds though. Don't think any of our immediate family would be the least bit offended, but other people may be...

ah, we won't do anything, we'll leave it up to them what they do

Thrifty · 28/03/2009 10:49

btw,have LOL'd at the poems on this thread. very inventive!

Linwin · 28/03/2009 11:27

I don't see what the big deal is. In many cultures it is totally acceptable to receive money to help start your marriage - the last few weddings I've been to in Ireland and one in Italy have all asked for money instead of gifts (not written in the card mind you through word of mouth via family members). I would never be offended about something like this and would much rather give the couple something they actually need than a random gift of my choice.

KittyBigglesworth · 28/03/2009 11:54

I understand that other cultures do it and I've enjoyed pinning money to the bride's dress but in English culture it just seems wrong and rather grasping to ask for money. Poems end up being either crass or twee. The mother of the bride should advise! To ask for money within the invitation is naff.

Mrsmam · 28/03/2009 12:12

I dont agree with asking for money but my cousin did and now him and his new wife are in the maldives! Forget socially acceptable and ask for the cash!!

Mrsmam · 28/03/2009 12:13
Envy
shinyshoes · 28/03/2009 12:28

I would, definately, if you've got everything already why not.

DP thinks it tasteless. I recently have been to a few weddings where they have asked for money. I'd rather give them £20. cash than something they didn't want or need and it end up at the back of a cupboard somehwere.

Money towards the honeymoon? I don't see anything wrong with that at all, if it's the difference between a basic suite and an excecutive suite.

@ maldives.

mamhaf · 28/03/2009 14:17

We went to a wedding at Christmas where the bride and groom had asked for money - I posted on here when the invitation came, asking for opinions because I do think it's rather tacky to ask for money...but eventually decided to give them £50. DDs and I spent quite a long time choosing a very pretty handmade boxed wedding card to put the money in.

I was pleased to give them what they wanted, but frankly pretty pissed off that we've had no acknowledgement of the gift subsequently.

We hand-delivered it to the bride's parents' house, so I know that it was received - one of the reasons I chose a biggish box rather than a smaller card in an envelope was to make sure it wasn't thrown out with rubbish or something.

So if you do ask for money, and I've grudgingly accepted this is common practice these days - it's the same as with gifts - please have the good manners to thank people so they know it's been received and appreciated.

dilemma456 · 28/03/2009 14:45

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Lauranatt · 28/03/2009 18:47

I ask for money as a gift at my wedding, the best thing we ended up with nearly £2500! To be honest we did not expect this much but we had just bought our new house to start a family in and it is in need of some updating. We put a note on the information card in our invitations saying 'saying it your presence not presents we want but should you want to give us a gift we are happy to recieve money or a gift (surprise us) to help us make our house into a home.

just remember its your day and that what it is really all about.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2009 19:15

'just remember its your day and that what it is really all about. '

yes, manners or consideration for your guests doesn't count at all. only you, you, you.