to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

[CrackopentheBaileys]

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

Thing is, if they have a wedding list, and you can't afford what's on it or everything is taken or that, you can give a cheque or buy them a voucher for the shop or a similar shop or give them a gift.

With this incredibly rude 'give us money' thing, however it's worded, it doesn't make any other gift appear to be a welcome one.

I mean, look at all the posts on these threads that are along the lines of, 'we prefer money rather than a bunch of crap' or 'we don't need anymore crap/stuff', etc.

The suggestion is that anything other than cash is crap and unwelcome.

I mean, anyone I'd consider close enough to invite to my wedding knows me enough to know my tastes or ask a relative or other friend what might be best, because they're thoughtful people. Most people are. So any gift is appreciated because someone went to the trouble of thinking about it, and then maybe they did decide to give money.

Similarly, if we're not close enough that I know their tastes, I'll ask someone who is or give them money.

But to just demand it.

Well, it's sort of assumes your guests all have shit taste and no brain so all they'll give you is crap or unneeded tat.

lol, no I have no interviews. Sounds like fate though

How old is wee one?

I hate wedding lists too!

On the rare occasion that I go to a wedding, it is usually people who don't want anything or request donations to charity. If not, then I would probably give them a voucher for John Lewis or similar.

Asking for cash may be socially acceptable, but it doesn't make it right, imo.

I largely agree with Expat's posts on this thread.

Can't stand wedding gift lists, personally. It's so presumptuous. Why should I be badgered into buying a couple a gift? I just choose a gift that I want to give them rather than something they've picked out. I always will.

I think that some guests - friends of parents and elderly aunts, etc, do like lists, so it can be handy to set one up - but to only let it be known by word of mouth, not stuck in the bloody invitation.

We had a similar thing to you, Dandy - some JL, some goodgifts, and some amazing lovely personal things. But we did not send it out or offer it to anyone - we told our parents and best man, and anyone who wanted to know if there was a list asked them.

Crack, (i do hope you don't mind me calling you Crack), he will be six months in June when i go back to work 3 days a wk (hopefully). Not sure what days yet. Yuk. Work!

Oh you called me! I'm pretty sure you did anyway. Does his name start with an A? (I think it did anyway!)
How strange indeed!
I have 2 babies myself, I think you got my details from the Haven Centre wall...

Anyhow, I will ask the fam (all c.minders!) and see if any of them have a spot. Good Luck, what a minefield!

aaaaah, yes, i thought i must have called everyone!!! funny small world, eh! maybe i'll see you at one of the mums and toddlers groups....will you be carrying a bottle of baileys? thanks crack!

Someone very dear to me, hell, I love the girl, got married recently. She is having a very difficult time in many ways and I wouldn't begrudge her anything.

However, when a note fell out of their invitation saying "We do not want any gifts but money would be gratefully accepted," I felt my hackles rise and I'm not completely sure why, as I would give this girl a share of my last £5.

So I thought about it and realised that I was embarrassed because it required me to apply a monetary value to my appreciation of their wedding. I can't afford much and in my mind I would have liked to give a grand, but in reality I could only squeeze £40 - couldn't even get to £50. I worried that it wasn't a round number. I worried that they'd think I was being mean. I was embarassed that they would know that I loved them dearly but could only afford that much.

If they hadn't specifically asked for cash, I could have picked out something thoughtful and to their taste as I know them well. I also would have enjoyed doing it, it would have been a lovely project to find something that cost less than £40 but let them know that I thought £1,000,000 of them.

Truthfully I know that, being the lovelies they are, they would have opened the card and said "Oh wow, Gentle gave us money, how generous!" without checking the amount, but it still felt awkward.

FWIW, during the wedding, the bride's Mum suggested that we do the Greek wedding bit by pinning money to the dress. I wasn't the only person to politely point out that the gift table was covered in envelopes already and it might not be well received to do both!

And Gentle says in one post what I've been cack-handedly trying to do in 500...

I'd worry about the pinning thing. Do all Greek brides wear meringues just to be safe?

Are you new, btw, Gentle, or a namechanger?

Exactly, Hab!

Very well put, Gentle

Why thank you!

I am new, been lurking for a couple of months but only been a member for about 6 (mainly lurky) weeks.

FWIW our wedding was in a corner of the UK that we knew would be hard for people to get to. In our invitation letter we said we considered people coming all that way to be gift enough and we didn't want any presents.

We were surprised on the day to find the hotel staff had put out a present table anyway and on it was a mixture of lovely presents, weird presents, vouchers, and cheques, and we were thrilled to bits with every single one of them, because they were gifts that had been given purely because people wanted us to have something.

I have absolutely no problem with wedding lists, cash as a gift or even horrific bits of poetry. I'd rather have an indication of what the couple would like - whether it's six egg cups for £40 on a John Lewis gift list or a donation to their honeymoon. If I like someone enough to go to their wedding then I'll want to get them a gift.

I do prefer to do a voucher or know what I'm specifically donating to if cash is requested. I'd be happy to contribute to someone's new kitchen/bathroom/honeymoon/pedigree puppy - whatever.

I had a charity wedding website with donations going to Marie Curie, I genuinely did not expect/want gifts but people wanted to make a gesture and this was the option we suggested. Some guests (including my biological father) didn't like that, some did, some bought presents, some donated to charity - all was appreciated. And everyone got a personal, hand made thank you (ex-Bridezilla).

To the OP, if you are inviting people you love that love you back to your wedding there'll be no issues. Don't invite the other miserable feckers.

CornishKK, I think you've summed up things well.
As has been the case for years and years, most people going to a wedding will want to give some sort of gift.
Having no indication of what is expected on the invite simply makes things more difficult for your guests, so it makes sense to write something specific.
Some people on here have said it's rude to ask, badger people for, request things, etc, however it's not ASKING as such - no-one HAS to give something, nor is anyone EXPECTED to get something. It's all down to the wording on the invite and how it's done.
Only you know your circle of friends and family and how they will respond, so it's your choice really. Everyone is different, as we've seen on this thread, however I don't think there is any real right or wrong way to do things - just what you feel is appropriate for you / your family and friends.
Personally I don't think there's anything wrong at all with stating that you would like a donation towards honeymoon, furniture, art, etc. We received our honeymoon from our guests, and it was very gratefully received. In fact, the majority of our circle of friends did similar things for their own weddings - some asked for donations towards a dining table, others for a donation towards some art, some for the honeymoon. In my eyes, it's no different from having a wedding list.

" your contribution will pay for a JET SKI LESSON ON HONEYMOON?"

?

shameless, greedy, grasping beyond belief

Ok here's a question for people who think any type of asking for money or vouchers as a wedding gift is beyond the pale.

A friend asks you if you'd like to come out for a meal in a resuarant to help her celebrate her birthday. No gift giving is mentioned. You know she's not rolling in money, neither are the 15 or so other friends of yours who are invited. The restaurant is chosen to be within everyone's budget and liking, but if your friend paid for the whole meal, you know she would be facing a hefty bill.

At the end of the meal, the bill arrives and your friend passes it round so everyone can contribute some money.

Are you deeply offended at this request for cash and think she is being shamelessly greedy in expecting you to pay something towards the evening?

No. 1, if I were that skint I wouldn't ask people to come celebrate my birthday at a restaurant then. I'd throw a dinner party at home or something I could afford, to avoid the awkward situation of putting my guests on the spot. That's rude.

No. 2, if my friend is that skint as a friend she doesn't have to demand ask for others to pay for her celebration. We, her friends, will think, 'Oh, it's X's birthday. She's really skint. Let's invite her out to XYZ restaurant and let her know it's our shout' or 'How about we throw a dinner party/party for X for her birthday.'

Tigermoth, that's a completely different scenario.

If I go out for a meal with friends to celebrate their birthday, then it is the norm that we pay for our own food (unless they have said 'my treat').

With a wedding, it's the request for money to pay for honeymoons, kitchens, etc that I object to when usually the couple are financially secure. Many years ago, it was supposed to be household items such as towels, toasters, etc that the newlywed couple couldn't afford.

The cringey cute poem thing is just a way of trying to say 'well, it's a bit embarassing asking for money, but if we make a joke out of it, well that's OK then!'.

I find it all a bit materialistic and selfish tbh.

A very belated welcome to MN, then, gentle!

Tigermoth - agree that's a completely different scenario, and unlikely to arise.

I just think it's bad form to essentially ask for presents in an invitation - even if it's done with the best of intentions, it sets up an expectation in the recipient. By all means have lists/preferences but don't put it in the invitation. It's vulgar.

tigermoth, it would be weird to arrange a dinner "out" without it being implicitly or explicitly apparent what was expected about who would pay. If the birthday girl wants to treat everyone, and offers to do so, it would be strange to try to force notes on her (although you can give her a lovely present, if you want to). If she doesn't offer to pay, you expect the bill to be split. If she offers to pay but doesn't really want to, she shouldn't have offered.

This is not a good parallel for lots of reasons. Weddings are anomalous to everything else - nowadays - and that is why they are so weird and uncomfortable to me. If I wanted to plan a big formal-ish party to mark,say, an important birthday, no one would expect me to get a dress made that costs 2 month's salary, in a cut and style that guarantees I can never wear it again and it would be completely inappropriate for any other day time function - or any other occasion at all. No one would be expected to hire strange and unusual items of clothing to wear. The idea of asking all the guests - all of them - people I may not have seen for a while, and may be broke or sick or anything - for certain things as gifts would be scandalous. You could go on like this for a while, but generally I think that weddings in this style are greedy and selfish, and as people keep saying, well what is the difference between asking for money and dishing out an unsolicited wedding list with the invitation? - I think very little, and they are both crass and grasping and entitled.

A friend of mine is a single mother who would give her last fiver to anyone who needed it. She is very practical and kind and generous but not rolling in cash. I don't know when she last had a holiday and there is a lot of stuff she needs. There is nothing to stop me giving her a present when I feel like it, of course, but it seems obscene that she lives like she does just getting on with things amongst the same group of friends who fell over themselves to stump up cash for the Trailfinders couple, who have everything they need already, just because they got married and therefore felt entitled to ask for it. I feel like a mug that I went for it too and didn't ask myself why they were so important relative to this other person (just for example).