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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

315 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 19:29

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

OP posts:
Habbibu · 26/03/2009 20:30

Oy, cmot. She's chosen MY poem. Right?

Actually, you could get a truly original new bathroom if you just asked people to supply bits - taps, plugs, tiles, loo-roll covers...

Ronaldinhio · 26/03/2009 20:32

grim to ask for money imho.

Invite someone to a supposed celebration of love and expect money in return?...because that's what you are doing, don't pretend otherwise.
It puts an intolerable strain on those who simply don't have much money. It's much easier to be sneery at a fiver in a card than some drawer liners, embroidered hankies, vase etc
My dh's old aunt gave us a sharp Kitchen Devils stylie knife and teaspoons which we use nearly everyday. They were thoughtful and useful. A better use of her money and with more love and thought than we would have taken over spending her little savings

therefore yabvu

megcleary · 26/03/2009 20:32

say no presents and then people will ask or the rumour will spread through the family mafia cash best option

being together as long as ye have and home set up people should figure you don't need toasters

as for the holiday vouchers friends of DH asked for money to be put into an account at their travel agents to pay towards their honeymoon which i gladly did i always like to get the bride and groom what they want as a gift

what i did not like is the lack of a thank you card or thanks of any kind

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 20:32

mmmm wooden clock with field mice etched on it sound lovely. Will pop a request in for one of those

OP posts:
jemart · 26/03/2009 20:34

Don't ask for money, tis vulgar.

However IME you may confidently expect a fair bit of cash instead of gifts, your guests know you have already set up home so many will assume that money is preferable.

At my wedding I had a gift list with Debenhams and still more than half my guests gave money or vouchers.

BabyBump2B · 26/03/2009 20:37

I think it depends on how you do it!

We registered at Travelfinders - they specifically do a honeymoon registry and people could either just add money to the pot or pay for specific things. Several other friends did this before us and we thought it fab. Other friends had to have a new roof installed and included a cute note with the invite letting us know that if we wanted to know what they needed they would love to have some "shingles".

We were once invited to a wedding that said "We are interested in John Lewis vouchers or cash as wedding presents". - not so good!

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 20:40

I will be sure to send Thank You cards, I'm actually a bit anal about that

Isn't it lovely to receive one too. I reently raised some money for a friend to go to the States for Chemo. She sent me a card fom her bed in Boston, and it made me cry! Absolutely incredible that she should think to say thank you at such a time.
Anyway, I'm off on a tangent, my favourite habit

I have decided to go with the voucher thing now Ronaldinho, It seems that most people concur that that is the better idea

OP posts:
stickybeaker · 26/03/2009 20:44

I think you're getting a really hard time on here and I want to come and hold your hand.

When we got married we did the charity thing but people still wanted to buy us stuff, and give us gift vouchers. I found it bizarre but accepted peoples generosity with good grace.

I've been to three weddings in the past 12 months with couples in similar circumstances and all of them have said something along the lines of ... don't need any more "stuff" but a contribution towards honeymoon/house move etc would be gratfully received. One couple had a box at the reception for cards. I didn't mind it but they all got a card and a bottle of champagne from us!

I think my point is, you're damned if you do or don't!

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 20:47

Thanks for the support stickybeaker
This thread has been great, I feel a lot happier about what I will do now x

OP posts:
MariaCC · 26/03/2009 20:47

YA absolutely NBU. I think we've been asked to give money at about 80% of the weddings we've been to lately and I was not offended at all. Some people have specified what it was for - sofa fund or honeymoon or something. To be honest we hedged our bets when DH and I got hitched. We had a very small list at a specialist list company with really treaty things on it - nice picture frames, rose bushes, some library steps (don't ask) - mainly for the people we thought would be offended. We also said that people could contribute to a short honeymoon and to helping us to buy a new computer if they preferred. The majority of people gave us cash including the people I thought we'd upset (my Mam and Dad, aunts and uncles, grandparents etc). Some others just bought a random present they thought we'd like. We were happy with it all and no one was upset. I think people expect some guidance these days.

TheDullWitch · 26/03/2009 20:50

There is an effing recession, this is not the time for people to waste money on toasters, crystal champagne flutes etc etc. I think done elegantly and light heartedly enough it is absolutely fine to ask for contributions towards a bigger project: kitchen etc.

(Unless you are stinking rich. I remember reading about some celeb asking for contribtuions towards a grand piano which seemed the height of spoilt.)

stickybeaker · 26/03/2009 20:52

I agree dullwitch - it's about tact and dignity.

slowreadingprogress · 26/03/2009 20:54

I hate wedding presents being asked for, full stop. I find it utterly, utterly bizarre. If you were having any other sort of party you would expect to be the host and to put yourself out for the guests and expect nothing in return except their presence to actually make the party worth having!

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 26/03/2009 20:58

I personally would have no problem with a note in the invite or something- especially as it's a more casual affair.

TBH I find all this 'oh it's so vulgar to ask for money' a little bit precious. It isn't a demand for money, nor even an expectation, merely an indication of what YOU would prefer if THEY felt they wanted to give a gift.

However, if you think that there are people among your guests who would be that offended at the notion of giving a cash gift, then go with the Thomas Cook vouchers or similar. That's what my sister has done (In advance of the wedding, as well) and the result is that she can have the wedding and honeymoon she so wanted. Far better, IMO, than other peoples' taste in gifts......

MorningTownRide · 26/03/2009 20:59

I haven't read the other posts. There's always sniffiness where 'asking' for money is discussed.

We went the poem route suggesting we would prefer money as we were going to NZ the next day.

The last line was "So if not seen as a rude request, a gift of money would be best".

tattycoram · 26/03/2009 21:02

I just don't get this cash thing, if you don't want any presents because you don't need anything, then don't have any presents. I think it's grasping. Friends of mine a while ago asked for a donation for a piece of art. Lovely idea. They never bought one, I suppose they just spent the money on stuff

Thunderduck · 26/03/2009 21:02

I hate the ''cutesy'' poems, They just add insult to injury, and seem so patronising.

Habbibu · 26/03/2009 21:03

And are almost always doggerel - sorry, MTR, but that last line is just - ugh.

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 21:06

don't worry Habbibu, you still win ;0)

OP posts:
Habbibu · 26/03/2009 21:09

Am thinking of developing a line in begging poems called "With Apologies To"...

"We have requested
the money
that was in
your bank

and which
you were probably
saving
for a holiday of your own

Forgive us
it was tempting
and the brochure
so alluring"

thesundaymarket · 26/03/2009 21:15

I think its kind of sensible to have a list. Asking for money is also quite practical although a bit more blatant. I honestly wouldnt judge anyone that did those things, and have happily contributed towards either at weddings in the past.But I really couldnt consider either at my wedding and neither could DH. We just didnt put anything in the invites about gifts. Some family checked with my folks and decided to give us vouchers which were much appreciated. Some guests gave us presents, some lovely, some a bit odd- but that was lovely too. I would look back and cringe if we had been in any way grasping about it. Friends and family will remember how you set about this for a long, long time, and so will you!So long as you are happy with whatever you do about it- and if youve posted this thread maybe youd best leave a tactful blank over the gift subject and be grateful for any good stuff and have giggle at the stranger things...

Thunderduck · 26/03/2009 21:17

LMAO. That's my favourite so far Habbibu.

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 21:17

you know there is a credit crunch?
it really is a pain
give us all your hard earned cash
so we can go to spain

without your cheques and cold hard cash
butlins we will book
but with our furs and jewels
how out of place we'll look

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 26/03/2009 21:24

LMAO. That's great too Baileys.

SerendipitousHarlot · 26/03/2009 21:28

Hahahahahaha Baileys, excellent!