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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

315 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 19:29

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

OP posts:
MorningTownRide · 26/03/2009 23:14

Well I've been married 6 years and no one has said anything yet and believe me they would have!

If I though it would've offended any of them I wouldn't have done it.

Habbibu · 26/03/2009 23:22

oh, it didn't offend me, apart from my poncetastic literary sensibilities, and I thought it would have been rude to say anything - it was their wedding after all. I just like to gripe about it anonymously!

MorningTownRide · 26/03/2009 23:26

Weddings eh? Bring out the worst in people.

Habbibu · 26/03/2009 23:27

Ah, if that were the worst of me

mrsblanc · 27/03/2009 00:09

but saying something like

we dont want / need any presents...but if you want to give us something...

SO crass.

If you just say no gifts please (which you seem to genuinely mean ) then those close to you who really want to give you a wedding gift will give you cash anyway.

mrsblanc · 27/03/2009 00:11

why don't more people do as morningpaper did - say no gifts AND MEAN IT!

grannie · 27/03/2009 00:18

I think it is a fantastic idea to ask for cash. many couples have lived together for years, and they already have their homes set up. My daughter and her then partner asked for Canadian and American Dollars as gifts. The size of the "contribution" went towards paying for a range of things, which were listed as a "weddign present list" for example, dollars to pay for a meal in a specific restaurant, coffees at Starbucks, subway tickets, passes to National Parks etc, the list was endless really. My nephew and his wife, who had lived together for 11 years, asked for gifts of bricks and mortar etc from any DIY store, or DIY gift vouchers, as they wanted to extend their home so that they could start a family. Far better to have something that you really want, rather than yet another vase etc.

mrsblanc · 27/03/2009 00:25

But why get any gift at all, cash or otherwise, just because you are getting married?

AM I wrong in thinking the whole idea of wedding gifts was to help newly weds who basically had nothing to set up home? If that scenario is not there, why expect cash in lieu just because you have all the "stuff"?

midlandsmumof4 · 27/03/2009 00:38

I really could not be bothered to read the whole of this thread so apologies if this has already been pointed out. You have been together for 10 years, you have two children. You have all the stuff you need-except for a new kitchen, bathroom & HONEYMOON. I can't believe that all 200+ guests are close family. Why do you need a honeymoon fgs. You want a holiday at the expense of your guests. If your close family want to pay for this then fine-send the monetary request to them and let the others make up their own minds.

midlandsmumof4 · 27/03/2009 00:45

BTW-the first time I came across this was several years ago for my nephew. Has his own property maintenance business and asked for cash gifts as the house was already bought & furnished but they wanted an expensive honeymoon. He got Argos vouchers. They are now divorced.

Cocobear · 27/03/2009 01:42

I love these 'should I ask for cash' threads. Clearly you shouldn't. You know you shouldn't, or you wouldn't be on here trying to reckon out a 'polite' way to do it.

EVERYONE would rather have cash. Teenagers who just met and have nothing but a ham sandwich to their names would rather have cash. Couples like you who have all domestic mod cons already would rather have cash. The majority of your guests know you'd rather have cash, and that's probably what you'll get most of, or a mixture of cash and gift vouchers. And you'll get some well-meant tat, and if you're lucky, a couple of really cool things you'd never have thought of yourself.

Just invite people to your wedding, with no thought for what they will buy for you. It's not a fundraising opportunity.

Desiderata · 27/03/2009 01:51

Haven't read the thread, just the OP, but I didn't attend my cousin's wedding for that very reason.

He's no longer talking to me, and I don't give a shite. That's how bad it is.

Look, if you don't mention money, people will probably give it to you anyway.

If you mention it, you're making a huge mistake.

Honestly. Fucking huge !!

Desiderata · 27/03/2009 01:52

... Oh! and he did it in poem style, as well.

Not a good idea.

tigermoth · 27/03/2009 07:05

I think it's bit unfair to accuse the op of being mean and money grabbing to considering ways of indicating what sort of useful wedding gift she wants.

If the op has 200 guests, and they are mainly family, chances are that she has gone to lots of their weddings and given gifts freely. From what she says, her extended family do give a lot of wedding gifts to each other.

So how come its mean for her to assume most of her guests would want to reciprocate and give her a gift? It's missing the point IMO to say she doesn't need a gift as she and her dp have lived together for 10 years. So what?

Also as a guest, I want to feel I can go to a wedding, drink and eat as much as I like and am offered, without feeling guilty that I am not giving anything back to my hosts.

If I got an invite firmly saying NO GIFTS and no indication of how I can reciprocate if I choose to, I would feel a bit irritated, unless the hosts were stinking rich and genuinely didn't need a thing.

I don't want to go to a wedding completely empty handed and then go on to enjoy expensive catering and drinks at my host's considerable expense for the best part of a day - now that is sponging, in my opinion.

systemsaddict · 27/03/2009 07:25

I've been to a wedding where they did this, with cutesy poem; I wasn't mortally offended but it did seem ... odd, tacky somehow. There are cultural meanings associated with giving gifts in the UK which are different from money - silly really, so many other cultures give money as part of the wedding, but that's how it is.

If me and dp ever got married (NOT gonna happen, far too much hassle!) we'd be in same position, I've always thought we might ask people to bring wine as a wedding present and end up with a ready-made wine cellar

Or if new kitchen and bathroom are what you really want, why not see if a kitchen or bathroom fitting place would do you a wedding list?

cornsilk · 27/03/2009 07:27

Why not request gifts from John Lewis and then return it all after the wedding.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/03/2009 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kslatts · 27/03/2009 08:09

I wouldn't put a poem in with the invitation, but if I received an invitation from a couple who had been together 10 years I would give them money rather than going and buying a gift.

fairywing · 27/03/2009 08:19

We used honeymoney.com for our wedding and asked for contributions towards the honeymoon which worked realy well as people still felt they were getting us a gift. We had things such as candlelit dinner on the beach for x amount, digital camera to capture it all for x amount etc.

I also have several friends who have asked for money. I think its really common these days. They have all put similar poems in the invites about your 'presence' is more improtant that your 'presents' but if you really want to give a gift then we are saving towards a kitchen/honeymoon/new house or whatever so a contribution towards that would be much appreciated. I'm sure you will find the peom if you google it.

systemsaddict · 27/03/2009 08:36

Another alternative is asking for contributions to a charity - though when friends have done this I have always brought a token gift too which I know defeats the object but I couldn't go to a wedding with nothing for them!

MariaCC · 27/03/2009 08:53

As far as I can see from this thread, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. If you ask for money, a proportion of your guests are going to be totally hands on hips about it and sulk because you're being 'crass.' If you say you don't want anything, the other half will get sniffy because they 'don't know what to get' and 'usually there's a list.'

The part that I don't really get is the idea that asking for money means you don't want any gifts and are only asking because you can't think of anything else. Doesn't make any sense to me. The bride and groom just don't want a toaster or a set of never to be used champagne flutes. They want a honeymoon / new sofa / new computer / new car. Whatever! That's something they want and need isn't it? What's wrong with that?

This whole thread has just served to remind me how NIGHTMARISH getting married is. I loved my wedding but was it worth all the upset / arguments / sulks (from everyone else, not DH and I)? Probably not. COTB should follow her instincts. If you think it's tacky - don't do it. If you don't think it's tacky, then go ahead. Some people are going to get upset about it but it's not their wedding and if they've got a problem, they don't have to give you anything.

Going for a cold shower now. I'm so glad I don't have to get married ever again.

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 27/03/2009 09:20

midlandsmum, it's a shame that you couldn't be bothered to read the thread. You have me completely wrong, and if you HAD been bothered you would have seen that, and maybe not been quite as rude.

Cornsilk, couldn't do it. Thats just wrong!

Tiger moth.... thank you

OP posts:
TheOddOne · 27/03/2009 09:45

I don't think it's rude at all. I've just received a wedding invite from an old old friend asking for money towards her photographer at her wedding.

Doesn't bother me. Why would she want another reed diffuser for her bathroom from me?

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 27/03/2009 11:47

Just to make it clear aswell, about 150, are family. And we are very close as families. Our cousins are like siblings to us. And I am one of 4, dp is one of 5. My mum is one of five, dp mum one of 5. So yes, it is mostly what we consider to be close family.

We are very lucky, I know

OP posts:
fleurlechaunte · 27/03/2009 11:51

Tinker I have just received such a wedding invitation, poem and all. Are we going to the same wedding perchance?

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