...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

YANBU.

We really hunkered down after DS was born, and it was my DH who had a problem with my parents coming over all the time.

They were the same - invented reasons to come over practically every day (they are in same city) and it got a bit silly.

But OTOH, your DC is their grandchild, and I can see why they'd want to make contact as quickly as possible. It's such a hard one because you don't want them to be offended or upset, but at the same time you have to put yourselves first. You will be KNACKERED and definitely not in the mood for small talk.

You could always go with the tried-and-tested method of wearing sick-covered dressing gown, perhaps with a boob hanging out - present yourself so that they decide you need some time!

That's a real toughie...

I think there are several issues here, how you get on with your MIL and what you want to happen when you give birth.

You want your MIL to accept your feelings about issues that are important to you eg you don't like drama so you don't tell her you're going into hospiatal in order to avoid it. The thing is you're not letting her have her feelings about the situation, you want to have your feelings considered without considering other people's feelings.

With refereence to the birth I totally see your point of view but I also totally see dh's. He sees you're letting your mum come and see the baby possibly stay yet you won't his. What we said after the birth of ds 1 was that people could come and visit but no one could stay. My brother was living with us at the time and he stayed in LOndon for the week to give us some privacy. MIL absolutely HATED it and was very vocal about it to anyone who would listen but it's how we felt. She was never going to be happy with whatever decision we made so we tried to meet in the middle -they could come and go as they pleased but we would not have to look after anyone else!

My MIL is also a drama queen, everything can be related back to her and she appears to suffer far more than anyone else about every family issue. We've taken a step back and tell her only what she really needs to know.

The reason it's okay for your Mum and not his is because she's your Mum. I always feel I can be myself, whatever my state of mind, in front of my own Mum. DH's parents get offended if I'm tired.
YANBU.... have as much time as you can on your own it's a really special time.

YANBU. I understand what tmmj is saying, but I feel that it is YOUR decision about who is there - it's you that will be giving birth, not your DH, so it's you that surely can choose who you want around you afterwards.
And practically, it wouldn't work to have them all in your house, so that closes the deal for me!

yabu(sorry just imo)
they are your dh's parents and it will be his baby as well, maybe he would like his mum there(I know my dh did and she was brilliant)

I don't think yabu in wanting time alone after the birth but i do think yabu saying your mum can come but not mil. I have 3 ds's and with ds1 was inundated with visitors, my muum even rang hospital to see if everything was ok just as i was delivering ds1. Anyway by ds3 I didn't have any visitors till the following day but I had given birth in the car so was a bit shocked. On all occasions though i made sure I tried to let my mum and mil get involved fairly equally. As a mother to 3 ds's i hope any future dil's will treat me the same.

yabu- if its good for your mum its good for his mum.

YANBU

I am sure your MIL is very kind, but it is fair enough for you to want your own space when you have just had a baby - especially as it is your first!!

Your husband should back you up on this - you are his wife and he should put you first!

If your relationship with your MIL is good then maybe have a chat with her and try to get her to sympathise with your (very reasonable) feelings of wanting a little peace and time to get your head around the life changing event ahead. That when you have settled into a routine she will be very welcome to visit but that you need this time to begin with.

the thing is, it's not as if even a few days will make thing have a 'semblance of normal' - if you're after that try not letting MIL come over for around 18 years. I think it would really nice to say yes you are happy to see your mum and mil as soon as the baby is born but not unreasonable to say that you don't have the space for them all and maybe they could stay in a travel lodge or something? although you'll probably be in hospital at least one night so wouldn't be a problem to let them stay at yours.

Thanks for your replies.

Muppetgirl - I didn't think that my teeny surgery warranted a telephone call to them the night before as it wasn't important to me, you see? Obviously I didn't want the ridiculous attention she would have given either, but ultimately the procedure wasn't a big deal so I didn't make it a big deal.

And I obviously want her to see the baby asap, but I resent being railroaded into when, when I've made myself clear on a number of occasions as to my wishes. I am not favouring my own mother, though if I want to, why shouldn't I? I could gladly do without anyone there at all after the birth - honestly. It's my MIL and DH who've persuaded me to ask my mum, and believe me, after a couple of hours my husband will be sniping at his mother as it's the way it always goes - she annoys him so much, she's so full on.

BTW, I've told my sister who I am very close to and who has a little one of her own that she's not to bother making the trip until we're ok and have ourselves somewhat sorted. She was sad but completely understood and will wait the three days or whatever after it arrives with impatience, but she respects my wishes.

It's a toughie! I don't want to appear a cow but surely I have to do what's right for me at my most vulnerable time ever?

YANBU. This is no time to be having to worry about other peoples delicate feelings. The period immediately post birth is very hard work even if all has gone well and you must be selfish and insist on the arrangements that suit you and the baby.

You only need people around you who are really helping. I can very well understand you needing your own mum with you at such a time, it is only natural.

try to explain to DH and MIL as gently as possible, but it really should be down to you to decide who you want around you as you are the one giving birth and dealing with BF etc.

By the way, sympathies over the carpal tunnel - i had this and I know how miserable it is. Hope the surgery has helped.

Personally I think you should have a few days of just you, DH and new baby....no parents at all. Then perhaps having your Mum stay for a couple of days, and then his parents? If you are planning to be in hospital then perhaps everyone could come and see the baby for an hour or so and have a cuddle. It is important that you get some privacy to function as a family unit (and by that I mean the three of you).

My own mum waited a few days after my first DD was born before coming over as she didnt want to crowd us just after the birth. We were really glad when they did come to stay, though, as she was a great help with the baby!

If your MIL has any consideration she will realise what a difficult time the first few days post birth are and will understand. If she does not, that is her problem. You are only asking for a few days breathing space!

YANBU, you dont have the room in your house to put up all these people, you want help after the baby so you decide on your mum staying, i dont agree that mil has the same rights as regards to helping you through and after the birth, as your mum does, of course its DH baby too and your MIL is also a grandparent, but your DH doesnt have to go through the trauma of birth, or the aftermath, and you dont know what state you will be in and you will quite obviously, and not unreasonable, to want your own mum there to help and advise you.

Of course your not banning MIL from seeing her GC but i understand that you want to see how it goes first instead of commiting to them coming straight away regardless of what state you might be in

And with any luck, and most likely thing to happen, will be a smooth birth and you cant wait to show off new baby so mil will be summoned straight away

YANB remotely U.

With DS1 my SM arranged for the world and his dog to fill the house for two days following his birth, despite us asking for a break. It really did have an effect on us so we were determined the same would not happen with Dc2. We asked for a couple of days grace and my parents got seriously shitty with us about it and stayed away almost entirely, but that was preferable to the circus we had the first time.

You might be on a sticky wicket with one mother there and not the other, as much as I see your reasons for feeling like that. Your MIL will probably be hurt if she finds out she was excluded for the first few days but your mother wasn't. Both or neither probably, and I'd go for neither. THey should understand, it's not much to ask.

I see your point of view but I just don;t agree that not letting her see your dc you'll get the peace and tranqulity you'd like. It will never be forgotton by MIL (ever!) and that it'll probably cause stress for your dh. I have 2 boys (+ one on the way) and totally understand their wives won;t want me fussing round them and that they'll want their own mums but I agree with whoever said that it was a little unfair for your mum to see the baby but not your MIL.

We let people see but no one stays and dh makes sure when I need to rest/feed people leave me alone.

We'll have to agree to disagree

Yes, maybe that's the thing to do. Just me an DH and baby, then my mammy, then his. I think I would be more inclined to accept her offer of help if it was just her, but it's not. It's her, FIL, nan and a car CHOCK FULL of all their stuff from home. Does that make sense? She is such a wonderful woman I don't want to make her sad but, and I would put the mortgage on this, within 1 hour DH will be wishing her gone. She riles him with her fuss.

Hmm, I will have to think on a plan.

Surgery has really helped thank you for asking!! Just the left hand to go now!! (Only kidding, I won't bother unless it doesn't go post-baby).

My carpal tunnel cleared up very quickly after birth, so hopefully you will be back to normal soon.

Before I had my DD I would have felt just the same way. However, after an EMCS I was sooooo glad to have my MIL around. She was invaluable!!! She cooked lovely meals, helped with the washing, and helped me get breastfeeding established. I really couldn't have managed without her.

when my first was born my parents came straght away and saw me and the baby in hospital
dh's mum and grandma came about 3 weeks later

they obviously werent hapy with that so when 2nd baby came they had already booked a hotel for the due date I was very pissed off
I think people should wait until the baby has come before making arrangements

yanbu. I don't understand the absolute fetish about seeing a 1 day old as opposed to a 1 week old.

It all depends on whether the MIL is the sort of person who would really help out or would just be en extra burden that OP does not need at this time.

From her posts it seems she would be in the burden category.

This is not a time to be worried about other people's feelings. Be selfish and do what makes life easier for YOU!