...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

We're expecting our first soon and my plan, with both sets of parents, is to play visiting by ear.

I may be feeling good, be over the moon and desperate to show off the baby asap, or I may be very weepy, or in pain, or bleeding everywhere, or trying to get bf-ing established, or just want private time with just my DH and new daughter

So we plan to phone them as soon as she arrives and then make plans for visits once the lie of the land is clearer.

Whatever we decide we'll be saying the same things to both sets of parents. I love my mother to bits and she is always very helpful when she stays with us. Of course I am closer to her than to MIL. However, in terms of helping me have a shower, or inspecting any stitches, or helping me on the loo, or helping me deal with bleeding, I would only want DH doing that!

We only have a two bed house so I think we'll be suggesting the local hotel/B&B to bboth sets of parents.

Bumps, avoid looking at the stitches if you possibly can!

I hope it works out, CFC!

It really is about personalities, isn't it???!!

I'm so lucky that my MIL is such a wonderfully understanding person. My DH asked her to come and stay with us while DC1 was born and she told him 'it's not up to you who will be there, your wife is giving birth, it is up to HER who is there to help." So I rang her and asked her! She lives on the other side of the world, so had to come a few weeks early to make sure she was there in time, and as DS was late ended up being with us for a month before hand!

But she took over the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, basically all the housework, and only helped with DS when I specifically asked. Even when she was concerned for me when she thought I might have a touch of depression, she didn't say anything to me only subtly kept an eye on me until she was sure it was just bouts of hormones and that I was actually OK and told DH what to look out for to make sure I stayed ok. My DH didn't have any paternity leave as he hadn't be at the company long enough so he was only around for a few days.

MIL was so wonderfully non-intrusive that it was an absolute given that we are asking her to be here for the birth of DC2 so that she can help with DS and do the housework stuff again. (Although THIS time DH gets paternity leave!!!!)

As much as I would have loved to have seen my mother soon after DS was born (also on the other side of the world), I would have been driven around the bend if she had been staying with me during that period. 2 months of MIL being here isn't necessarily easy, but 2 months with mum would be flaming impossible!!!

I always feel sad for the mums of boys as they get pushed out from things like this in favour of wife's mother.
DHs mum has as much right to see the baby as your own mum, I do think having them all to stay is too much. I would say no mothers at all for the first few days tbh

Kimi, I'm afraid that's just the way things are. The son doesn't give birth, and as I've explained, my mother wouldn't be here getting on over on the MIL having seen the baby first, she's here to help me get over the birth (she's a nurse as well as my own mother). Also my MIL comes with baggage. A LOT of baggage, which I am happy to arrange to see at a date which suits me, which may be the day after, it may not be - the fact is she's taken the decision out of my hands (after asking me for it?!) and I resent that. I just didn't want it ALL descending on my house the days after the birth.

This whole 'rights' stuff really gets me! The fact is that a new baby needs to bond with its primary care givers - this is proven in science. The baby will not bond less with its GPs if it does not see them for a couple of days after birth. The mother and father need to bond as a family unit first and everyone else should just get used to that. There will be years ahead to build grandparent relationships.

The second issue is one of who a woman having a baby wants as support before, during and immediately after birth - it is completely up to her whether this support comes from her DH, best friend, mum or MIL or a combination of the above at different times - it is tough luck on anyone else as giving birth is the one time that the mum gets 100% say so - IMHO!!! (i have a DS as well as two DDs and fully expect to be in 'second place' to DIL's mum when the time comes but will respect and understand that - possibly with DDs too!)
x

Without wishing to put words into the op's mouth. . .

Isn't the real issue that it will just be her mum coming to stay where as with in-laws it would be:

• mil
• fil
• granny in law

Thats just not on surely?

Also her mum is only coming because mil basically insisted - perhaps cunningly as she thought that would mean she'd get the same treatment?

As i've said i have 2 sons but just wouldn't expect to get the same treatment in the initial post-birth period as the dil's mother. And i really don't think this has to effect the ongoing relationship either.

Exactly - also she'd just 'be' here, sitting in my house whereas my own mum would know exactly what we want and need.

And, as I said before it would be 30 mins before she started getting on DH's nerves and I would be there keeping the peace again and imploring him to have more patience.

I think make it clear that any visits in the week after the birth should be arranged in advance (no popping in) and that you want visits kept brief (under an hour say) as you will be tired and not wanting to entertain people. You could exempt your mum from this as she will be helping you. Surely you won't get all the baggage as MIL and the crew will be staying with the cousins. I would also be firm when you wish them to go.
This doesn't have to be awful, you just have to agree the guidelines with hubby and ensure mil etc know they can't expect to plonk themselves in the sitting room all day.

cfc - you're doing well to still be answering posts repeating things which you have said on pretty much each and every page

I've already said what I would do in your situation...

What I would love to be able to see now is this same thread in 20 years when all the 'Mums' here are MIL's/DD's Mums/DS's Mums and see how the views vary

I'm late to the party, but cfc, I think you will be doing exactly the right thing. Sounds to me as if DH got stroppy because he doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news :-)

Personally, it would be the other way around ffor me. MIL is the friendly ghost (well, maybe a bit more intrustive than that!), my mother considers any child of mine actually hers, and that was a bit hard.

Anyway, sounds as if you've got a plan.... stick with it!

Good luck!

cfc - sympathies! Its awful to be trying to figure out such things when you'd rather be joyfully anticipating your baby's birth! Your plan sounds good, and I YANBU. I'm sure things will come together ok. If the worst comes to the worst and you aren't doing so well after the birth, your DH will hjave to ring MIL and say that you're both terribly sorry but she just can't come until tomorrow (or whenever). End of story. Make sure your DH is very firm and says the words "Do not come yet", and also tell the hospital staff on duty that you are feeling ill/sleeping, and are not taking visitors. Wish I'd done that...

When I had my first, we rang both sets of parents when we went in, and then rang them after DD was born to share the newsl but said DO NOT come up, we wil call in the morning and tell you when we are ready to have visitors.

My parents waited for the call, but PIL just showed up a few hours later ...and I was really upset by their lack of respect, as I was literally still covered in blood, on a drip, and having stitches. It was embarassing and stressful for me, and, sadly, really coloured the occassion. Tell your DH that story and ask him to help make sure it doesn't happen to you (although perhaps tell him it was my parents, rather than PIL, and ask him to make sure neither of your parents do it...so he doesn't feel him Mum is being picked on)

(oh, and to make things worse, MIL wasn't even DH's mother, but his step mother of only a few years...so she really had no right to be so pushy )

It's dh's baby too. I asked dh to show them ds in the day room at the hospital as I needed a rest. I didn't see them at all that day.

One night they came really late (not in real terms - but if you have had no sleep it's late) and we asked them not to do that again.

But it's there grandchild - you want your mother there. Well dh has got a mother too!

I am a m-i-l as well as a mum and yu cannot underestimate the surge of love you feel for a new grandchild.L am lucky my d-i=l is Turkish and after the birth the baby was handed to me to hold for a moment.Her mum had the same treatment.Girls inevitably have a closer relationship with their own mums and if they want anyone other than dh it will be mum.But if m-i-l has only sons she wont be aware of that.She sounds lovely but yanbu to want some space after the birth.I suggest a short visit maybe 1 hour on the day after then a proper visit a week later maybe when your mum has gone home.Be gentle you may be the mother of sons yourself one day.All the very best to all of you.xx

your mum is your mum and you're the one giving birth, yanbu

Thanks again for your considered replies. I will be gentle, you are right, she is a lovely person and I don't want to upset her, despite how rude and thoughtless I think she's been in deciding to make her own plans after asking me what I would like them to do....anyways....I'll let it go.

I read the first bit of the thread with interest then it got too long. So this may have been said before.

Yes you want your mum there above mil, for YOU. But mil is the grandmother of the lovely little child that is about to arrive and she will be absolutely chomping at the bit to see that baby.

So while you are not being unreasonable to have your OWN mother actually staying with you to look after you and help with baby, you are a bit U if you think mil should stay away, as you are in effect asking her to stay away from meeting her grandchild. I do understand the bit about them coming to stay, but you need to maybe say something like 'my mother will be coming to stay to look after me when I come out of hospital, but obviously you will be dying to meet baby, so if you come and stay with (whoever) then you can pop in to visit - but give us a bit of warning so we can clear up the piles of nappies and make sure baby isn't feeding etc so you can give him her a cuddle'. hen its time for her to go, just take baby and go to feed him upstairs, then don't come down again - let them think you've fallen asleep upstairs.

Actually my mil came for an hour the day after ds's were born, I really don't like her much and she winds me up something rotten. But she wasn't coming to see ME she was coming to see the baby and you can't put conditions on when they can do that. If you do then you are just setting yourself up for a life of being aggravated by her, her feeling pushed out by you. Its honestly much easier in the long run to just remind yourself that she loves dp as much as you love your own baby, and let it all wash over you - let her be grandma same as your mum.

There is a difference between giving priority to your own mother when it comes to YOU, and treating the grandmothers differently when it comes to THEIR GRANDCHILD.

I have boys, and mumsnet has taught me a LOT about why I should be far more tolerant of my mil when it comes to my children.

Sorry x post, and on reading it my post looks a bit harsh, wasn't meant that way honest!

I haven't read the whole thread. But i think YABU she must be bursting with excitement. I hope someday my ds doesn't exclude me from the excitement of the birth of his new baby.

My mum and mil would have liked to have been at the birth of my babies and we had to say no but we relied on them alot for childcare whilst i was in labour. You have to have a give and take. Dh was sooo proud showing the babies to his parents and they were very respectful, stayed long enough to have a hold and then leave.

Could you book her into a hotel close by as a "treat", that way you all get your own space?

haven't read whole thread
but i think you should either have both mothers to stay and help...or none at all
Personally i would go for none at all and then invite them both up a few days after the birth and get that initial excitement over and done with in one afternoon. Puts everyone on an even keel from the outset.

"There is a difference between giving priority to your own mother when it comes to YOU, and treating the grandmothers differently when it comes to THEIR GRANDCHILD."

I think this hits the nail on the head - but also the reverse is true. If the mother is coming to look after YOU, then it is fir that she comes before someone who only comes to see the GRANDCHILD. That can wait. If the Mother is only coming to see the grandchild, then of course there should be no differentiation between treatment of the Mother and the MIL. However, too often the MILs only come to see the baby, and not help and then moan that they are not getting 'equal treatment' when in fact they are not doing equal work iyswim!

After I had DD2, my Mum came and looked after me (bad birth, lots of damage) - helped me get in the bath, with my stitches and other uckky stuff that I didn't want DH to see. She barely saw the baby the first few days as she was too busy looking after me. On the otherhand, MIL came over to see DD2 the moment I came out of hospital(I was kept in for several days) and had me making her a cup of tea whilst I was still on morphine to control the pain!

If the MIL is coming to help, and does help as much as the Mum - then she should get fair treatment. However, that is often not the reality. Often the Mum comes to help out, look after the woman whereas the MIL only comes to see the baby. That can wait. If they come for the same reasons, to do the same thing - then yes they should get equal treatment, but if they are coming for different purposes - say one is going to help, whilst the other will be a burden, then they do not deserve equal treatment in my book.

tall and blonde and troutpout, if you'd read the thread you'd have seen that the problem is that we have a small house, she is a large person and she is expecting to bring her husband and her own MIL (I love all of them to death, they are really great) and she packs her car with everything from her own home and I mean everything.

It was also her who pushed and pushed and pushed me for MONTHS to ask my mum to come and help out when I had expressly told her that being a bit of a loner, I thought DH and I could manage fine.

There's no way we could afford to put the three of them up in a hotel either, not that they'd accept that from us at this time. As I said, they're super generous.

Her intentions are good, this is a fact. I can also completely understand her excitement to see her son's child, when her own daughter had her baby not so long ago (they all moved into her house, she was her birthing partner etc, so it's not like she's gone without this experience).

But she did ask me what I would like to do about visiting and I told her "shall we wait and see?". Chances are I'll be fine, if so they're more than welcome to come around. If I'm not fine then they won't be welcome (noone will) whether they travel from 4 hours away or down the road where they're thinking about staying (well, one hour away).

She heard me state, clearly, what I wanted and then said this weekend "well, I'm not going to wait to be invited, I've arranged to stay at Jane's (one hour away) and I'll be able to come over as soon as I've heard".

I'm pissed at this attitude. Why ask me what I want when she had no intention of ever complying.

There would simply be too many people in the house and I am not quite happy with the thought of my mum coming - so why should I have to sacrafice having my mother on hand, who is a nurse, btw, because MIL is too sensitive? MIL will never be on a par with my own mother - I would never have MIL see my leaking tits, or ask her to take my blood pressure, or ask her to bath my CS scar (if I have one). On the other hand, if it all goes swimmingly they're just a tel call away - they don't work, so they'll be able to leave immediately.

I wouldn't feel like I have to brush my hair, watch my language, not be able to cry etc in front of my own mother - whereas I'll feel like I will have to tidy the place for PILs and entertain them, ensure they are fed and watered and that they are all ok (nan in law is 86 and MIL has a litany of things wrong with her). Also my MIL is quite preachy about the way things should be done, and she is a sort of hydrochondriach-by-proxy (she asked DH's cousin after he'd knocked his hip getting into his sports car and been to see a doc friend about it, if it was dislocated!!!!!) - this is why I didn't tell her about my carpal tunnel op, because there would be loads of tel calls, tel call to the surgeon (via a surgeon friend) cards, flowers etc etc which is all well and good but SO not me, and overkill, frankly.

And, as I've said, you can bet your last quid that within 30 mins of her arriving DH will have abandoned ship as she annoys him so much, and I'll be left there.