...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

Good luck to you and DH, cfc, enjoy your new baby!

Thanks Jack, as long as DH is onside to enforce the plan it should work out quite nicely...she says!!

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this and your experiences xxx

I thought she said she would stay with her cousin? So there wouldn't be any baggage.
Maybe I misunderstood?
I live abroad, my good friend (with a two bedroom flat) gave birth last weekend, her in-laws travelled from canada to be with her. NO big deal. She's put them to work
Good luck with the birth.

I think your mum sounds very sensible, and would run great interference for you so I don't think you have as much to worry about as you think.

They will stay at the B&B, so their 'things' wont' be at your house.

Here's where you get cunning - make plans!!!

Firstly, set a 'time out' time for the middle of the day 12 - 3 or 1 - 3 or some such, where the house is empty of all visitors. Tell your ILs that this is so that you can have some 'sleeping' time and that the TV won't be on, nor any talking permitted so they will need to go out for lunch or something. Your mum's idea of being taken sight seeing is perfect. Make a list of places for them to take her too. Set an 'end of day' time as well. If they get stroppy, tell them that it was recommended by your midwife or something.

Secondly - set them some tasks. Have some raw ingredients out for your MIL to make some food. Is there anything that she's particular good at making? That will keep her off her backside in front of the TV!!!!!! You can even give a list of jobs for your FIL to do. In fact, you could send them a list of 'tools' he should bring in order to do those jobs. Any handymen jobs that need doing? Trips to shops to pick things up? You can give your ILs shopping lists and send them off to go and buy things. Does the nan knit or sew? You could get a couple of patterns for knitted items that you would like knitted. You know them and so know the sort of things you could actually ask them to do. If they complain, look them in the eye and say "but I thought you came here to help? this would be so much help and we would really appreciate it". It would either keep them busy enough to stop them driving you mental, or send them home after a short week of visiting!!!

It all depends on the type of people they are, tinysocks.

If they are naturally helpful and undemanding, fine. If they are more high maintenance, OP does not need them around all day making demands on her that she has not the strength to deal with right now.

I like it! Although what you suggest have them do is what they would gladly do anyway, I really am that lucky.

And you're right tinysock, they would either be at Jane's or b&b so I suppose the baggage (as in real baggage, not the FIL and nan!) wouldn't be cluttering up my home. But them, being here, sat in front of tv for hours would be seen by me as cluttering up my home (!) so asking them to come for just specific hours and the rest of the time out and about with my mum could work out well, methinks.

YANBU. Your baby, your choice.

New GPs need training.

You are entitled to be selfish for this short window of your life, just before you hand total control over to your baby. Flex your mother-muscles.

I'm reacting strongly to this because these threads make my blood run cold. I was a single-parent last time, this time a whole huge family from another town will want a piece of my offspring...

I know what you mean with such a different set of circs this time round, but I know which side of the fence I would rather be on, and if being bugged by enthusiastic MIL is a part of it, then so be it. I hope it's not half as bad as you think it's going to be, Hawkmoth x

"..so asking them to come for just specific hours and the rest of the time out and about with my mum..."

Aha!!! I was missing something then. I hadn't read that bit.
That sounds very sensible indeed. I would have done the same thing.

Oh I'm sure it's not... I'm just a bit caveman at the best of times and like retreating into peace and quiet at the first signs of stress.

I nearly had a breakdown on my brithday this year when my aunt and uncle turned up unnanounced just as I was having a strop and vomiting session at the same time. I just hid under the duvet and rang my dad to get over and entertain them! Grrr.

The reason there is a difference between MILs and Ms is that it is the woman that goes through the birth and so comes first. I accept that with my 3 dss I will take a back seat, but I do have one dd.

YANBU

But bear in mind, in a week year or so's time you might be biting their hands off to come and take the baby off you or do a bit of housework so don't push it too hard!

Careful diplomacy is the answer.

YANBU.

It is completely fine and natural to want space, time and privacy to get used to your new LO.

I have a baby DS and would NOT expect any future DIL to put me at the same level personally as her own mum, why should she?!?!

OP is closer to her own mum than MIL. It's tough for some but that's how it is!

Bear in mind its the DIL who are pg and give birth and feel like shit after (sometimes), why would she want me to see to her/look after her instead of her mum who's been looking after her since she was a baby herself?

MILs should accept not expect that DILs may not see them the same as their own Mums. Tough but true.

True!!

Although I can't imagine leaving a child with them, to be honest. She wouldn't be able for it, physically, I mean.

But diplomacy is the key, for sure.

When she originally asked (many moons ago) if I wanted her to move in a week before my due date and stay for a couple of months to help out I thought she was joking and burst out laughing, I found it incredulous that someone, other than my own mother (and even she wouldn't think of this!) woulf offer to do this for someone who wasn't their daughter.

So I'm learning diplomacy after that - I must realise that she's just SO giving and my own mum isn't as outwardly gregarious, but is equally generous - just in a different way, a way that I know how to deal with...

YANBU!

The ONE thing I asked my DH to do after ds was born was to stall my mother. Just for a day. Poor sod, he did try, but she ignored all our requests and drove five hours to get to us.

The problem was I had real difficulty establishing bfeeing, and being stressed about my mother being there exacerbated the problem. It got to the stage that I was weeping with frustration that she was there, and would not leave us in peace to be a little family.

And don't promise to tell anyone you're going into labour. Actually, it doesn't really matter because at that point your priorities will be elsewhere and you will have the strength to say 'F* them all!'

The other thing that no one really tells you is that having a newborn is fun! And you want to just have that fun with your DH.

By all means, invite them round for a couple of hours. But be a bit selfish. Congrats on the pregnancy, and I hope all goes well.

Remember you only get one stab at this. They are grown ups, they will deal.

Failing that, offer the MIL your baby's first Christmas!

Much as I love my PIL there is NO way I would want them to come and take my PFB newborn, off my hands. No chance. At all. Even when he is screaming . He stays with me.

However, if/when we have DC2 then by all means they can help out as much as they like with DS, whilst I am getting to know the new baby.

Think on!

yanbu unreasonable at all. no one has a "right" to visit their grandchild. it should be totally up to you and your husband what happens after the birth of your first child, i pretty much laid down the law to my MIL who likewise would have been at birth had we invited her!

YANBU

I think this is the one time in your life you are allowed t be selfish as the rest of it will be dedicated to your child.

You are the one giving birth, therefore you have final say on who you want present and when. Its not as though you are not going to let her see you and the baby.

I have a son and would give anything to be there every step of the way when he has children, but I accept that as much as I would like to be there it will probably the be the "lucky lady's" mum who will be and I might be secondary.

I agree that this is a toughie but I tend to side with ur mum in law because she seems to be trying ever so hard to make it work for the both of you. She seems like a loving and caring individual whose only crime is to care too much. I think she will be deeply hurt( but may not show it ) if you start making excuses about her not seeing her grandchild as soon as he/she is born.

I do agree with you totally that you will need space and time to enjoy the baby and to relax but shouldnt that apply to your mum as much as her. You may be surprised how helpful she is. Remember that your partner is going to want his parents around- they may not stay as long as you think and may be a great help. Try to grin and bear it.

P.s my mother in law is horrid and I would love to have such a good relationship with her like you have with yours.
Good luck and best wishes.

but she is the one who will have given birth and will want her mum's help to potentially have a shower, breastfeed etc. I wouldn't want to do this in front of anyone other than DH or mum really.I have a DS and would like to think that I will be as important as the "other woman" in any grandchildren's lives but the other woman will be my DIl's mother and the one she will naturally want to lean on. I try to make sure MIL feels as important in DS's life as mum (because she is) but my mum is the one I can say "now I want you to leave/take DS for a walk/etc" with MIL I am more tactful and considerate and that's NOT what you need after you've just had a baby. So people are suggesting not asking the mum - making life harder for her and her DH!

YA so NBU. I had my first in December last year (3 weeks late and 5 days before Christmas). I had laid down the law well in advance that because I wouldn't know how we would be coping, I didn't want any visitors for the first few days. I actually had a planned c-section - we had 2 fantastic days in hospital as the 3 of us - and then both sets of parents visited for a couple of hours on the 23rd and Christmas Eve (one set each day IYSWIM) - and that was PLENTY. We then hunkered down for the rest of DH's paternity leave and Christmas/New Year and had a wonderful, chilled out time - getting to know DD. I honestly think that is why we had such a breeze of the first month - because we were both calm and focussed entirely on DD - not on making guests comfortable. Also - as another poster said - the one terrible time I did have (boxing day) was all breastfeeding-related and I needed space to just concentrate on that without worrying about going upstairs to feed.

I would do exactly the same next time [fingers crossed that there is a next time emoticon].

My kids were born at 4 in the morning ish. If anyone other than my husband had turned up to visit me before the following afternoon I would not have been happy. Immediately after the birth I was very tired, in pain and vomiting from the opiates, esp for no 1. I needed sleep and thankfully husband went home to bed, rang the relatives when he woke up at 10ish the next morning(having turned the phones off overnight (I had the neighbours number in case I/the hospital needed him urgently. Relatives were told not to come before visiting hours at 2pm. I still felt awful then but would have hated early morning visitors. Labour is hard work, especially for the first one.
For the 24 hours after the birth the new mum's needs definitely come before the husband's and grannies'