...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

In same boat with dc3 soon. Also 2-bed house and ILs also in b&b - but no breakfast "as they want to spend as much time with us as possible". They've booked for 3 1/2 weeks!

Did the same when ds2 was born. It made me despair then!

Personally I think you can manage and do the smiling / nodding thing and get out the house to avoid them as much as possible (my plan). Ultimately though I think it does damage your long-term relationship with them. It has mine. And I believe they're aware that I don't now get on with them as well as I used to when it was just ds1.

Have tried being blunt, but it hasn't put them off so am resigned to being quite rude at times to them over the time they're here.

Time to start formulating a survival plan imo.

Can you not just say "oh we don't really do breakfast with a newborn - just eat as and when we can. Plus the MW will be dropping round some time most mornings and needs to see us alone, so would 2pm be any good?"

Get both mums (and entourage) to stay locally in hotels or with other relations. Then say you're unsure what the nights are going to be like with little one so you'll probably try to make the mornings a gentle affair, and that you'll call them around lunchtime to invite them over.

Good luck, this period is often a minefield.

DH, DS and I had the first week to ourselves before having any visitors at all, and it was brilliant. We do live a couple of hundred miles from our relatives, and MIL is only surviving parent, so I guess our situation is different to many people's. MIL was very keen not to crowd us. I do agree with posters who have said you should be consistent and not give your own mum special treatment, but I'm conscious that I probably don't really understand the whole mother-daughter bond, as I wasn't lucky enough to have mine with me for very long...

cfc - I totally understand where you are coming from. My PIL live 3 hours away and with our first implied that they would drop everything and come straight away which worried the pants off me.
I didn't even know how I would feel after labour delivery etc and the last thing i wanted was people staying with me.

My mom lives 20 mins away and i was happy for her to pop round after work for a little bit. In laws, or anyone for that matter staying with yo, is majorly different to having the odd visitor, and despite what a lot of people have said it IS different having your own mom there, regardless of how it may offend your DH, i truly believe that pregnancy and newborn baby time is a time where you can honestly be selfish in any way you want. You've put in the hard graft carrying, and growing your gorgeous baby nobody else.

I asked DH to let his parents know that of course we want to see them as soon as possible but need a few days to settle in first. Luckily my mom kindly agreed to let them stay with her, and it all worked out well.

With our 2nd child, we had a rule that nobody visited for a week after the birth, as we had ds1 who was only 15 months old, an didn't want him getting upset or overwhelmed at all. and everyone agreed to that too, although i do know they would have preferred to see the new baby straight away.

I think you call the shots, and need to compromise with DH, but he needs to be aware that despite it being both of your's child, you're the one who will be exhausted. I ended upw ith emergency sections with both my boys so needed the rest for that reason as well. you don't know hwo its all going to turn out.

YABU. You shouldn't have invited your own mother AFTER saying no to MIL. Very unfair, I understand why your DH is upset by your actions.

I don't think it unreasonable to say no to MIL but yes to own Mum, no matter who was first! Newly-postnatal mums should not feel obliged, IMHO, as they need all their reserves to recover/get used to a baby/no sleep/hormone let-down.

It is lovely for family and GPs to see the new baby of course, but it must fit in with the new family.

Sleepyeyes, have you even read this thread?

I didn't want anyone visiting until we said so, it was my MIL who - after I turned down her offer of her and her husband and her own MIL moving into my small house the week before my due date up until 6 - 8 weeks after baby's born, she persuaded me by badgering me basically, and getting her relatives to do the same, into asking my mum to come. I asked mum to come to shut her up, so we could say "we're fine, cfc's mum is coming" because our protestations of "we'll be ok, we're grown up, we are two, we did plan this baby, yanno" went unheeded.

I also disagree with the poster who says it's all about the baby, it isn't. It's about the new mum. If she is seen to and is looked after and is settled, it makes for a calmer baby and a mother much more able to deal with not only being a new mum, but healing etc. So at this one point, I will be the diva.

I'm really surprised at Dh's views on this actually. I thought he'd be much more into what I wanted, not his family. And like I've said, he'll be sick of them after a half hour - I guarantee it.

YANBU.

I can understand you not wanting a houseful of people about.

I can understand them being desperate to see their grandchild but they do sound a bit much. I does seem unfair that your mum gets to see babes before they do but I am not sure what the solution is.

I dont think you are being at all horrible. I can imagine your ILs might feel slighted though, that would be a shame as you say you love them really.

I am rambling helplessly sorry

My ILs expect the newborn baby be to be presented to them as soon as its out of the womb. I was expected to hoik my newborn from one to the other so they could inspect it. I didnt mind my MIL and FIL as they were elderly and I had a lot of respect for them. But my SILs and BILs? (my oh comes from a family of 15) Forget it! I got so much stick for not cow towing to THAT particular family tradition (oh and not allowing MIL to choose my kids' names).

I think for a new mum there is a huge difference between your own mum staying and your MIL. Your MIL is someone else's mother. An adult you have to be polite to and who you only have a relationship with because you married her son. Your mum you have known since birth and have a much more informal relationship with.
I find it strange that some women don't understand why you would be happy with your mum staying when you are tired and emotional but not your MIL.
MIL visiting is fine, MIL staying with you is for many women not fine.
I think FILs cause less problems for women because they don't tend to force themselves on you and fuss as much as MILs re grandchildren and your life in general.
When I am a MIL I will completely understand if my son's wife wants her mum staying after the birth but me just to visit. That's OK. I'm not her mum. Immediate postnatal visits aren't really about the baby, the baby only really wants mum anyway, they're about helping mum, dad and baby bond.
Grandparents are much more useful in the later weeks when the baby has colic and they need someone to take it out for a bit so they can get some peace.

I think what might be being missed in all this is that birth is a very unpredictable thing!

You might have a quick labour, feel fine, be home the next day or you might (as happened to me) be in hospital for 10 days with your DC on SCBU. It sorted the visitor problem as it was hospital rules not mine but not something I'd wish on anyone.

Is there any chance of just not deciding, not making any promises to anyone and just seeing how you feel?

My DH wasted all his paternity leave while I was in hospital and when I got home I had noone as both sets of parents work and I was absolutely desperate- a situation to be avoided at all costs. I would have had anyone's MIL by then!

There's wanting to see the baby which is only natural and should be equal opportunities for both sides and then there's 'helping' which is different and surely mainly up to the mother as the main carer to decide who she wants to help if anyone at all.

excellent post 2rebecca.

yanbu. Up to you - you're the one giving birth, you'll be the one struggling with breastfeeding, you'll be the one in floods of tears because of the hormonal turmoil, you'll be the one devasted by what's happened to your body. The baby won't be remotely interested in anything except your breasts. You decide what will make the whole enormous upheaval more pleasant for you. Grandparents have decades ahead to spend time with their grandchildren.

In short, your baby, your house, your way. YA REALLY REALLY REALLY NBU.

Those first few days are precious, PILs have years in the future to see the children & they've had their turn with their own children. This is your baby & they will only be born once.

Believe me, the first few days post-birth are not pretty & the reason why all you can cope with is snuggling up with your newborn & being waited on by your DH, is because this is exactly what you should be doing!

Could you engineer a conversation with friends who already have children so that your DH gets on board with this?

Good luck.

YANBU. It is your time for bonding with your baby and recovering and you have to put these things first. Lay down the law for the first few days at least - be sensitive but if there is ever a time to put your needs first this is it IMO.

cfc

It is your choice who you want in the house at the time when DC is born. I know I wouldnt want my MIL,FIL as well as MIL2 to be hanging around for so long. Why should they. They only live 4 hrs away.

I would let my MIL in the room as I love her, and maybe my SIL's too but thats because I know they will make it worthwhile.

I dunno bout my mum. Maybe I could have her round after birth say 5 hrs or so just to help our, ogle baby for a bit, then leave.

Your DH may feel its ok to have his M,F and G there but he is not respecting you. Im luck as my Partner wouldnt want his parents round for nearly 2 months everyday. How exhausting.Having to please 3 more ppl everyday.

Are you havign HB or hospital? Would they come to the hospital with you too, and be in delivery suite? Would your DH like his father to see your tush????

Why dont you ask them to stay in a hotel for a few days, maybe a week. Tell her that you will need her support, but you will ask for it as you think you can cope.

Thanks for your further replies.

I did suggest to MIL that we wait and see closer to them time (ie after the birth) as I might be grand, flying through it and feel great or I might be depressed and sore and not wanting anyone. She seemed to take this on board, and I was pleased. But then the next conversation we had she informed me that she'd arranged to stay with her cousin who lives about an hour away in anticipation of the birth and so that they can come straight away.

Yes, she would want to be in the delivery suite with me. My sis also wants to be there, but I've put my foot down on both counts as I HAVE A HUSBAND, thanks...!! He's very capable of fighting my corner if needs be and he knows me so well and will leave me be when I need that (as my own mum will, MIL will NOT do that, even when explicitly asked to).

I did think about showing him this thread, but I don't want him to think I'm airing dirty linen and slagging off his mother over the internet.

We had another chat about it last night, or argument, en route to NCT. It ended with him saying "fine, cfc, we'll do what you want..." inferring that I always get what I want, when I promise I really, really don't.

I simply don't want tons of people and stuff descending on my home in the heady days after I've given birth.

I really don't even want my own mother there but was pressurised into asking her BY my flaming MIL who is convinced for some reason that we won't be able to cope.

BUT at the same time, I know that she is a sensitive lovely generous woman who loves us so much and I know that I need to tread carefully because she is so different to my own mother who is all of those things too, apart from sensitive and she's not at all pushy.

It's like I said to DH last night, my mum being here isn't so that she can get first dibs on the baby, she's here to help me as firstly my mother, and secondly a nurse! I'm so lucky to have both women in my life, I really am. But whenever I am in pain, emotional, sick, tentative or worried I am the creature that crawls into her own space to be alone. I hate all fuss and drama and that is all that MIL will bring. She will piss DH off and that in turn will make me more worried as I am always trying to get him to be more patient with her (even when she's going on and on and on about one thing or another).

It's like a situation I can't win, I feel like I've lost already.

No matter what I do, someone will be upset (not my own mother) but MIL or DH - even though I know what I want and even though I KNOW within 30 mins of MIL being here he'll be wishing her away and I'll be the one keeping the peace.

honey. Gosh! I think its time to invite them round now for dinner, both your mum and MIL etc... and plainly tell them whats going on.

"Me and DH have been really thinking about the way in which we want to give birth our little baby.

We have decided that No one is to come up to the house for a last week in the pregnancy.
Me and DH need some time alone to reflect what life has given us.

Then when the baby is arriving, we would like whoever wants to, to be at the hospital, in the waiting room as Me and DH want to do this alone and together.

After the baby is born, We would like both of Mum and MIL to come see the baby, (depending on what time you have him/her as if non visiting times - No one can visit.)
but I would like time to get myself together and clean up etc...I also want to spend the first few hours with DH and feeding baby.
Then at visiting times, anyone can come up.

When we arrive home, I would like mum to be there to help us get the baby's things in the house and to help me settle. Make some dinner/breakfast (whichever).

Then, mum will go do some shopping bla bla(whatver she wants really lol) and then we will call people if we feel up to visitors.
DH and I would then love MiL and FiL to come up to the house for dinner the next day and spend the night with us (thats if you want).

(then just say....)

Right everyone, these are the plans and this is what we want. Please dont feel offended if you think you are not as included as you should be, but me and DH want some alone time, as this is OUR first baby, its also a day for us to remember forever."

and... if cfc you dont get what you want or close to what you want it will dampen your feelings and maybe make you feel upset. I know it did me. So make sure if they ask questions you put your foot down and stick to your guns.
Btw...DH will be so exhausted after the labour and the sore hand hell have, maybe the deaf ear from you shouting, and hell probs just tell everyone to leave you alone.

PS, I told my own mum I didn't want her descending on us for a few days with DS1. She was very upset. But she just had to live with it. TBH though she thinks she's more help than she is and I knew I just wanted privacy and peace and quiet. She was also upset when later, I asked MIL to come over after a week (had CS) to help out. But my mum would have just wanted to take the baby off me, whereas MIL left us alone, cleaned, washed, ironed and cooked and only held baby when I asked her to. My mum pouted and stropped and would have pouted and stropped around the house also. So it's also about personalities and how much you can trust them to do what you need at that time, not any sense of entitlement.

I agree communication is the key - but I promise I communicated to her what I wanted (ie to let her know at the time when we're ready for visitors) and she simply ignored me.

Although my husband would run good interference between me and her (ie cfc is tired and having a sleep, baby is with her sleeping also) I just know I'd be in my room going cabin crazy thinking "I can't believe I've been railroaded into having a full frigging house, AGAIN" and fuming away to myself!!

you know it sounds as though there's nothing you can actually do about mil - she's made her arrangements and she's ignoring your requests.

So if i were you i'd start planning for how to deal with it. So you're home from hospital and she turns up with her dh and mil too - i'd be polite for an hour and then say 'right we're off upstairs to feed/rest' and just disappear with the baby for a couple of hours. Sit on your bed, read a magazine and cuddle your baby.

You need time to bond and get bf established (if thats what you're going to do).

I wouldn't worry about being seen as rude - you've made it clear in advance what you want and she hasn't listened.

You sound very similar to me - had ds2 by c-section without DH there as he was looking after ds1 and it was fine! But ds2 then spent a good week in NICU and in-laws help was invaluable - but they stayed in local b&b. And shamefully although i was really grateful for their help they still annoyed me. But i'd got a poorly baby, was stressed and hormonal.

Good luck!

Oh and i have two sons and fully expect that any future dil's will prefer their own mum to be there and i will try my best to not be upset by that.

Yes maybe you're right - she is obviously coming so I should just put the roolz in place to DH and make the best of it.

Grrr, man, it pisses me off being played like this - I have problems letting such things go....

So groundrules, she stays in cousin's or B&B and calls before she visits and doesn't stay for too long. I'll ensure DH is fully briefed and his sole job is to recognise "The Look" from me so that they don't outstay their welcome.

It could actually be truly lovely having them there if it's under these terms - but I know them....and I know once they're ensconsed in my living room, that's where they'll want to stay....