...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

I think MIL should have same visiting rights as your mother.

I think people are mixing up your mum being there to help and support you with the fact that she will also get to see her new grandchild straight away. Well tough. She's your mum, you need her, not your MIL!
Agree is there any chance they could stay nearby 3 or 4 days after the birth? Maybe make them an itinery of things to do in the local area with a couple of hours a day marked to visit you? Whever they come, ask your mum if she could hoover / wash up to make it clear that she is not there as a guest / favourite grandma.

But it's NOT just the MIL, it's FIL and G-maIL as well - surely that makes it impractical!! So cut off your nose to spite your face and say no in the interests of fairness to helpful, un-interfering mother as well - madness!

I suppose I am assuming I'm going to be in pain after the birth because my friends have all (bar one) had C Secs, and my sis who had a natural birth, had a bad tear and was pretty out of it with pain, bleeding and pain killers after her little one arrived. They're the only births I've 'known'.

I am also assuming I'm not going to be in the hosp for that long so can't rely on visiting hours, but that's a super idea, thanks!!

I honestly don't want to make her sad and she wouldn't be a burden - she has her mobility problems but does a lot of house work and cooking at home, and she can drive - so she wouldn't be a burden, not really.

I suppose I'm thinking that telling them to stay away until they get the go ahead is easier than me saying "ok, come and drive 250 miles, stay in a B&B or in Jane's (another 50 miles away) BUT you can only have an hour a day" as opposed to saying a couple of days after we come home "come tomorrow, we'd love to see you, we'll book the B&B close by and you can have all the time you like with us and baby".

Or maybe I could ask her to come a week after baby comes to stay (and my mum goes home at that point) as she would love that, that's what she wants. But only her, not FIL and nan and a car full of crap....do you think that could work? She could stay in the spare bed in the spare room as we're using a crib in the meantime in our room and putting the cot up at a later date....wdyt?

lol at "baby comes to stay "
Will she go for it - a full week? If so then definitely!

In an ideal world they of course should have and do have the same rights, but this isn't ideal. There's three of them and a car full of stuff - we don't have space and we live 250 miles away meaning it's not small visits, it's day long sit-ins.

And it was MIL who asked me to think seriously about getting my mum to stay as she was worried about us coping (she had aunties in the family pressing me to do the same over New Year - so she is worried about us). Otherwise I would do this with me and DH and we'd go to visit THEM in a month or so after baby comes. My mum and MIL live up north, about 30 mins from each other. But MIL persuaded me to ask mum for help, if not her (and there's no space in my house for all of them and itw ould be so expensive to stay in hotel or b&b for that long). And if anyone is going to help me, it's my own mum.

I just want to be fair - but I want things to be easy for me and baby and hubby. I suppose that's the most important thing.

YABU but I totally get where you are coming from.
What you have to bear in mind is that you might not want anyone around immediately after the birth. I adore my mum, but I just couldn't cope with the fussing etc and she had to leave after 2 days because I was getting overwrought, overanxious and overtired . She was meant to stay for a week
This did affect our relationship for a while (until the next one arrived and I'd take any help offered)
Why don't you think about saying no overnight visitors for the 1st few days?

lol! Bad punctuation polarbear!! Damned hand....

Exactly ingles, but i could tell my mum to go (she's not a fusser but you never know!). I couldn't tell MIL to go, because she's someone else's mum, not mine!

The fact is I don't want anyone else around. MIL persuaded me I should have someone there and if not her, then my own mum. I asked her, half expecting her to say she think we'll be fine and to see how it goes before calling in the cavalry, but she said no worries.

It's the distance, I think, that brings us the problem. Like I said, we're not talking an hour visit. It's a full day deal, fact.

We have no space to overnight visitors and I said that after giving up my bed for them the last time they visited for the sofa, I wouldn't do that again as they stayed up SO late watching TV and I was too polite to say "go to fucking bed so I can bed down on the couch for Christ's sake"!!!

God the more I think about it, the more I remember what it will be like having them here.

IME you really don't want to ask someone to go cfc. I know my mum was secretly heartbroken but put on a brave face so as not to upset me. My poor mum...
Think carefully now,....don't be pushed into something because Mil or DM thinks it's for the best. Does you DM have anyone she could stay with locally? Could you afford to put her up in a travel inn for a couple of days?

cfc - you seem really nice It's great to hear that you think they can and do have the same rights as your Mum. It's hard being on the paternal side and being shut out.

What I think you should do is say to your MIL that you have asked your Mum to stay as she can come alone, but you would love to see her (and FIL/Grandmother) but that you want to get the baby settled into a routine in a quiet house, so if they could stay at Jane's or a B&B they are welcome to come in the afternoons for 2 hours, before and after that you will be busy/sleeping and want the house to yourselves (imply Mum is being sent to friends/errands a lot if need be!!) and then say if that seems a long way to come for such short visits, they are welcome to wait a couple of weeks until you are in your routine then come and stay But make it her choice.

Of course you want the best for you, DH & baby, but you want the best for the long term as well... you don't want to start off upsetting her, especially when she seems mostly quite nice (if a bit cluttersome!!) don't you... and I think this approach would be better than saying they have to wait until you are ready for them to see the baby, but your Mum can see baby straight away...

No, no place to stay - there's space for her, baby's room hasn't got cot in it yet so she has a bed and like I said, she's like a little ghost - you wouldn't know she was around.

I just wish MIL had heard me when she asked what the plan was for them visiting when baby comes...instead of ignoring it and making her own plans nontheless. Sigh.

LOL so many posts while I was thinking/typing.... so, revised opinion!!

I think you should talk to your Mum now. Tell her that you felt railroaded into asking her to come and stay and that you would rather wait and see how you feel.

This would be my suggestion to them: Come down one morning, visit that afternoon, stay overnight in a B&B/Travel Lodge, visit next morning then toddle off home until you are ready for more visits.... tell your Mum to pack a few extra bit, just in case you want her to stay a few days, but not to take it personally if you are managing fine WDYT?

We were abroad when the dcs were born so totally sympathise with the all or nothing dilemma. Like you I worried a lot before the birth about being invaded by v enthusiastic mil. She actually turned up uninvited after the birth on the basis that she couldn't wait! I'm with shonaspurtle on this one - in some ways better to have mil first when you are in hospital (I stayed in for the French five day minimum!) so she gets a bit of time with her ds on her own in the evening and restricted access to you and the new arrival during the day. My own parents arrived as dh was going back to work. It worked so well that I insisted on the same arrangement when ds was born two years later. I also second the poster who said you may not feel terrible after the birth - I was on such a high I wanted everyone to know about it.

We were abroad when the dcs were born so totally sympathise with the all or nothing dilemma. Like you I worried a lot before the birth about being invaded by v enthusiastic mil. She actually turned up uninvited after the birth on the basis that she couldn't wait! I'm with shonaspurtle on this one - in some ways better to have mil first when you are in hospital (I stayed in for the French five day minimum!) so she gets a bit of time with her ds on her own in the evening and restricted access to you and the new arrival during the day. My own parents arrived as dh was going back to work. It worked so well that I insisted on the same arrangement when ds was born two years later. I also second the poster who said you may not feel terrible after the birth - I was on such a high I wanted everyone to know about it.

Thanks Chippingin. I appreciate how lucky I am to have been given duch great in-laws, but have to appreciate how sensitive mil is in comparison to my own mum.

I think you may be right - I'll ask them to come (there's no question about not staying with us, simply no space) and tell them that we'd really appreciate our own space so a couple of hours a day visit wouild be appreciated - my mum suggested that they take her sight-seeing in the local area (she's never even been before!!) and this will get them out and about as opposed to sitting in making me more and more angry at their presence (I know this is irrational, but I can't abide just sitting around watching telly).

I'll see what DH thinks of this, but really, I don't want to show favouritism. Mum is coming to help me, not get first dibs on that GC - I know it sounds terrible, but she's not that way inclined, she'd be more than happy to wait for us to visit her a few weeks afterwards!

My MIL FIL and nan moved in with my SIL when she had her LO a few weeks ago - he was late and they were there, waiting for a month, they then stayed for 6 weeks afterwards. All of them crammed in that small house - and ours is smaller - the mere thought makes me claustraphobic.

I think them staying a little away, and coming to visit when baby is at it's best (prob afternoon if womb gymnastics are anything to go by!) sounds like a plan. Compromise is the name of the game. I don't want to upset anyone, but I'm not going to simply roll over on this one due to pressure from them and DH (esp when I KNOW that he's going to be rolling his eyes to the heavens within one hour of them arriving).

Thanks for all your thoughts ladies, much appreciated x

Hmm, that does sound like a good idea Chippingin....

lilian - sounds like you fell on your feet too!!

'm surre it'll all work out, I'd just like to ave some say, for once...

I haven't read all the posts, but I totally understand why your mother in law would like to visit and see HER grandchild.

You say she is a lovely person, loving,thoughtful. So why not let her stay with her cousing and come to visit you? If she is thoughtful then I am sure she will be helpful.

Honestly, I wouldn't deny my mum or mil visits to their tiny grandchild.

I guess I just come from a different culture, but I just don't get what all the fuss is about.

The fuss is tiny socks, that i have a small house, no space and mil comes with a whole load of baggage! if she came, there wouldn't be enough space for me to sit in my own living room. We live very far away so it's not a popping in jobby, it's a take over the house for 24/48 hrs.

It's not simply a case of not wanting them here as I really love them - it's a logistical nightmare and I don;t like being croweded in my own home, and we're talking severe crowding here!

cfc - I am sure it will all work out fine, so long as you speak up now and firmly!! and get DH on side!! When are you due?

Your solution sounds very fair to everyone, cfc. I cannot imagine any reasonable MIL being upset by those arrangements.

She should think herself lucky she has such a considerate DIL who is puttting so much energy into considering her feelings at a time when you have a lot on your plate!

Hopefully DH will see where I'm coming from when we chat about it. EDD 7th May, mat leave starts 31st mARCH, YIPPEE!!

I think the key thing here is that you don't know what you will feel like when you have had the baby. If all goes well you will likely want to show your baby off straight away, if it doesn't you might need to adjust. The problem with agreeing to them coming in theory is that you may have to say no on the day if you have a difficult or traumatic time and you just don't need that.

I had a very long labour, a lot of intervention and didn't sleep for 4 days. I was kicked out of hospital 12 hours post emergency caesarean. We sent a message to everybody apart from grandparents saying dd was here but please telephone before descending. Grandparents all came to meet dd in the hospital which was my choice. I had an extensive episiotomy wound, a cs wound, was severely anaemic, sleep deprived and dd was jaundiced and struggling to feed. People just kept coming. SIL and BIL stayed for 9 hours, demanded food and drinks and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It was hellish and tarnished those first days. I just wanted to sleep and breastfeed for a couple of days.

They must do this on your terms I feel. As long as you understand that they want to come as soon as possible and aren't needlessly restricting them then it's good for your well being to be able to make these decisions and more importantly, to be able to say no.

I like your solution!