...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

poor op. you need your mum not your mil.

Actually...i did read that bit

Still think it's both or none
sorry

Sorry, I am NOW quite happy with the thought of my mum coming to stay...

So how exactly can we have both of them to stay? 2 bed house does not lend itself to 7 peopls (as she goes nowhere without the other two) and a dog.

Logistically, it's impossible.

Go stay in a hotel CFC. Let them come down for the 2 months and you and DH book a hotel! Leave a note on the door lol.but dont tell them which hotel.

Shifts? Your mum for a few days and then his mum (by herself btw...she can leave the fil and dogs at her cousins) for a few days?

Hotel sounds good! With a pool, in Greece...bliss!

The shifts thing is what I thought would work - which is why I suggested she wait and see and then if all is grand, my own mum could head home after a couple of days and the PILs could come (still a bit of a stretch having them all here, but we'd cope). But that wasn't good enough for her - she wants to be here immediately.

That's your answer then...

"She heard me state, clearly, what I wanted and then said this weekend "well, I'm not going to wait to be invited, I've arranged to stay at Jane's (one hour away) and I'll be able to come over as soon as I've heard".
"

If she'll ignore your wishes and come pver straight away, then ignore her wishes to be told, and only tell her the child has been born when you're ready to see her, Say two hours before the end of visiting period? (One hour to get there and one hour to visit the baby??)

Good luck with it. Remember though that when you're in hospital you have got midwives to field your visitors for you - use them !!

I have thought about telling them that baby is born when I'm ready to have them fly over! But I think that's really out of order! As tempted as I am...;can't see DH agreeing to that, tbh. Would also mean keeping it from friends etc.

I would favour not telling relatives the instance the baby is born if you can't trust them not to visit straight away. My husband left it several hours before telling folk (mainly as babies born in middle of night, but if say baby is born at 4pm I see no harm in you and husband having the first evening together and telling folk the next morning at 10ish. I was induced for both mine so folk knew I was going into hospital, but I wouldn't have told relatives apart from husband if I had gone into labour as we wouldn't have wanted the impatient phonecalls. Leave mobiles at home turned off.
Tell husband to keep schtum for a few hours.
If they moan about it say "sorry but we wanted some time to ourselves, I did try explaining this to you but you ignored me"

Exactly what I was trying to say 2rebecca, but better put! A few hours won't make much difference I wouldn't leave it a few days though!

cfc, I think part of the problem here is that you take responsibility for your DH's issues with his mum.

YOu say repeatedly that he wants her there, but withing 30 mins you have to act the peacemaker, as she drives him mad.

Well, stop acting the peacemaker. He wants her there as you make it all ok, this time you can't, you will just have had a baby. It might not prevent her coming this time, but it will stop it happening again!

He wants her there, then he has to deal with her.

I agree, and think that maybe discussing this with husband and giving clear visiting guidance to MIL and crew would make it less stressful for all. I would get him to agree not to phone anyone to tell them you are in labour or have given birth until you are happy for him to do so, and also get him to agree that when visitors inc MIL come they are told how long they can stay for so you and husband don't get stressed by them. Letting MIL come the day after birth seems fair, but if you say "no visits for longer than an hour for the first week/2 weeks please as mum and baby will be tired and we don't want to have to do alot of entertaining and tea making" then they get to come and see baby but you don't get stressed out.Your husband may have to ask them to leave if they show no sign of budging though. Your mum is different as she is helping not visiting. If you really don't want your mum there though and were just bullied into it by MIL you could always shorten her visit. In these days of paternity leave having older relatives stay after the birth is less important.
As they are staying elsewhere the other issues of loads of stuff etc shouldn't be a problem, in fact if it's a 2 bedroom house and they always come in a 3 now you've had baby they won't be staying overnight at your house again.

I think this is the one time in a girl's life when it's OK to be a bit selfish and, if needs be, blunt. If MIL is choosing to ignore what you've expressly told her, then you can do the same back. If, when DH phones to tell her that the baby has arrived (and he could wait til evening, so any visits that day are out of the question), she says, "right, we'll be right over." he needs to say, "actually, no. cfc isn't feeling up to visitors at the moment. Why don't you come on .... whenever, but a day or two's time?"

And even though most if us are happy to breastfeed in front of people nowadays, it doesn't hurt to keep that one up your sleeve (so to speak) so you've got a fab excuse to disappear for hours if you want.

When I had DD, my MIL was an absolute godsend. My parents said they were very busy that week, (bridge game, National Trust visit, you know, the sorts of things that take precedence over a new-born grandchild) but that they were free on Wednesday so would be here in time for lunch! It ended up with my lovely MIL (and DH of course) rushing round sorting out DS, cleaning the house, doing a major supermarket shop and cooking a flipping 3-course lunch for my parents (who don't "do" soup and sandwiches!)

Hi cfc I hope you can get this issue resolved. I really understand as we have arranged for my mum to come and stay on the basis that she wants to come and do the housework and look after the dog while I get to grips with looking after my new baby. MIL lives much closer and I'm happy for her and also sister in law to pop in whenever they like as I too get on with them well and appreciate their kindness and generosity. My problem is that they have made it very clear that their priority is baby, whereas my mum's priority is me! I'm worried that when they come round, with all the best intentions in the world, I'm going to get shunted to one side and they are going to smother the baby. DH won't see the problem as he is used to his family all living in each other's pockets whereas I am stubbornly independent!

No matter what anyone says, it is different with your mum compared to MIL, even MIL has said that for her it is different with me compared to her own daughter, my mum has said the same with her own DIL too.

I'm guessing this is your first baby (me too) and I think the best thing you can do is think positively and be open-minded, stressful as it is, stressing won't help anyone. I'm sure it will all work out fine. If anything, make it really clear that a huge issue is the limited space in your house. She could be a lot more understanding about bringing all the family and the kitchen sink, and sometimes being blunt about some things, but then softening the blow by saying she is still welcome might help. Good luck