...to want to tell MIL when she can visit after birth of our first baby and not just have her turn up the day of/after?

[cfc]

Firstly really love my in-laws. They are so loving and generous with both their time and resources and are super thoughtful.

Howver, this can lead to stifling and suffocation. I've had carpal tunnel surgery this week (hence crappy typing!) and I didn't tell her (MIL) as I knew there would be loads of tel calls etc wishing me good luck and seeing how I am which really isn't my bag. She loves the drama and I don't really get it. My own mother was a paediatric nurse and saw childen in real pain all her life so we never really got pandered to in that way, and it's made me the better for it. DH was pathetic when we first started seeing each other with his "I'm ill" protestations....he soon got out of it though as I simply ignored it!!

So, firstly MIL wants to move in for a month around the birth to help out. We have a 2 bed house 4 hours from them....where exactly were they (her, FIL and his scrumptious mother, DH's 82 yr old nan) gonna sleep? Also, she packs EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, when she comes to stay for just one weekend and I HATE CLUTTER - be it crap, or people....

I declined what was her kind offer and said sure, I have a husband, we'll be ok. Then my own mum said she could come after baby's born (again, she lives 4 hours away) so we said that would be great - DH wants her to stay for longer she's really laid back and not in your face and it's just her (father died 9 years ago).

So MIL asks me a couple of weeks ago if we could tell her when I go into labour and they'd make their move. I said, shall we just see how things are at the time? I might have a really easy birth and will be in fine form to see all of them (for the chunk of day, we're not talking an hour visit here) or I might have a really hard time and just want my own DH and mum there.

I thought then we'd decided this until I went to their house this weekend and she said oh Jane (her cousin who lives a mere hour and a half from us) has said we can stay with them so I'll be able to dash over as soon as the baby comes and visit every day thereafter...I'm not waiting for an invite ha ha.

I just thought, ok, let's store this and I'll chat to DH later and tell him to put her straight, she clearly chooses simply not to listen to me. Sigh.

So in the car on the way home I try to talk to him but he gets the hump saying why is it ok for your mum to be there but not mine. I said fine, I'll tell my mum same rules apply - I am sure you and I will manage ok so that's fine by me, but having my own mother there will be easier for me to deal with...

He says stop being ridiculous and that he doesn't want to talk about it now so I leave it.

What would you do?

I want a couple of days to get myself back to some semblance of normality after the trauma of birth. I also want a couple of days with just me and DH and little baby - my own mum is seriously inconspicuous and will be like a really helpful ghost!! Which is why DH wants her to stay for longer she'll be such a good influence on me....

AIBU?

sorry for epic, imagine what it would have been like if I'd have had 2 hands?!

I don't think you are being unreasonable as I think it's quite rude for your MIL to make plans to basically come and live nearby without discussing it with you first, particularly as you have already had that conversation with her and explained that you might not need her to do so.

Plus I think it's natural to feel more comfortable with your own mother in a situation like this.

I can see it from their point of view though, in that they will be your child's grandparents and so will want to be a part of the whole thing. Thing is there's a big difference between popping in for an hour or so and moving in with you (or as good as) and I think you and your DH maybe do have to set some visiting ground-rules. I.e they don't just pop by unannounced, they don't overstay their welcome, they get the hint when you are tired etc.

good luck!

Why, TMMJ? MIL is being very inconsiderate IMO. Probably always has been. Relationaship will therefore be the same!

If we were talking about a visit of an hour after a half hour's journey then naturally they could come whenever. However, I live 4 hours away from both my mum and the ils so it's a staying over job. And when they come to stay, because she is quite overweight and infirm they just sit in the living room. So I know that when they come, they'll book a b&b but will spend all day, for as many days as they are here, in our living room.

I reiterate she is the one who persuaded me to ask mum to stay as she is worried about how we are going to cope - despite me saying that I have a very lovely and capable husband to help. She is a very altruistic woman and this is why I love her, but she does love being involved and if I could I'd give birth alone, in a field with DH there to make sure everything was ok!! (I am kinda joking!).

I could honestly do without seeing anyone until I get my head sorted. However, if I want someone to help me breast feed or look after my episiotomy wound I want it to be my own (nurse) mother. Not someone else's.

They can come and stay when we're not so spinny headed, I can't wait for them to meet their second GC, I really can't. But in the first few days I want my own space and peace. And if we have a son (which I think we are) I could never imagine getting so cross at such a reasonable request or (as she has done) arranged to be closer to us at the time of the birth so they can come over immediately, despite when she asked me what I wanted to happen re them visiting after the birth, I told her in no uncertain terms that we can surely just wait and see how it goes.

Like I said, we're not talking an hour's visit, they'd spend the whole day here, sitting in my house and then decamping to the b&b to sleep, and turning up again the following morning.

No do not be selfish. Your child has a right to a relationship with his/her grandmother from the very beginning.

MIL sounds very excited and very keen so why not let her come after the baby's born, have some champagne and celebrate as a family, then arrange for another visit in a few days time.

Let her take babe for a walk in buggy while you rest.

You are very lucky that you have such motivated in-laws and they will be a real bonus when the baby is older.

I know you feel that you want to establish yourselves as a family unit - and that will happen - but it's silly to alienate your MIL over this.

There will be plenty more opportunities [BF, weaning, sleeping, etc] to do that in the future

I think YABU, although I can see your point.

You should think this one through carefully. Your ILs sound lovely although a bit smothering, do you really want to suffer years of resentment over this?

Your MIL is obviously very excited and just wants to help in any way she can. I think them staying at her cousin's is a good compromise.

i was delighted when my MIL came to stay, she made meals and did shopping and cleaning and stayed up late with the baby so my DH and I could get a bit more sleep.

DO NOT let her stay though. You will do fine with just your DH and your mum.

DH and I agreed no (staying) visitors for the first two weeks - both lots of parents live over 200 miles away and wd have to stay. In the event, we went completely to pieces and put out an emergency 'Help' call within three days...

I guess I'm saying, don't burn your boats!

YANBU but I think you need to include your inlaws too.

I'm only 14 weeks and my mum seems similar to your MIL. Although I've yet to experience the full force of mums post birth we've realised that we're going to have to compromise on what we want. Our baby will be the first grandchild all round, so excitement is already running high. Ideally, I'd love a few days of just us, but I don't think it's going to happen.

From advice on MN, we're formulating a plan to give us some time and also give space for visitors. Mainly, we're planning to keep visitors to the afternoons only (including parents) and turning off phone/doorbell etc if needed during the mornings/evenings.

I'm also going to ask PIL and mum to cook/clean/shop/make drinks etc, so they're around but kept busy IYSWIM.

Could MIL stay in a B&B nearby? I know it sounds awful but we too only have a two-bed flat and in the end it's easier.

In fact I think my mum prefers it because although we love each other dearly, we also like our own space!

Exactly, cfc, you do not need all that pressure! It is just a fact of life that new mums need their OWN mum at this time. Probably because you have been brought up with your mums childcare ways so they will feel instinctively right to you. It is not a slight to your MIL, you just want what is familiar and comfortable for you at this time.

I also have a DS and will not be in the LEAST bit upset if future DIL wants us to wait a few days before visiting after the birth, either with her mum there or just with DS.

It is only a few days!

'And when they come to stay, because she is quite overweight and infirm they just sit in the living room. So I know that when they come, they'll book a b&b but will spend all day, for as many days as they are here, in our living room.'

that would drive me mad
you want to be the one sitting on the sofa breastfeeding day not her!
you'll have to tell your dh to take her out, or you and dh will have to be going out with the baby
get dh to take the baby out and you'll have to put your foot down and go to bed to rest and leave her on the sofa

Sorry cfc did not read your replies......

Why not let them come and visit while you are in hosp? Then they can stay in a B&B but will ne restricted to visiting hours.

Then you can organise a proper visit in a few months time....

My MIL stayed with us right from the birth of DS (2nd baby) for two weeks. I was despairing over the fact that he never slept for more than 30 mins at a time and she said "oh my first never slept at all until he was 7 so it will only get worse!" Not what I needed to hear, I nearly topped myself!

Really, I wanted to kill her by the time she left. Don't let her stay!

I have imposed a strict (but fair) visitors rule on all friends and family this time round.

Only parents allowed to visit in week 1, and then only for an hour or so. No turning up on spec. No aunts, uncles, SIL's, nieces, nephews etc etc.

First time round I had no rules and had a constant stream of people in the house (had homebirth). I hated it. They were all there watching me whilst I tried to bf, or I would have to go to another room to bf. I didn't want my ds passed around like a parcel. I was shattered by the birth, looked a disaster, and just wanted to get to know my son without an audience.

Totally disagree that GP's have a "right" to a relationship with their grandchild from Day 1. Certainly they have a right to a relationship with their grandchild, but the ONLY important relationship in those first few days is the one between parents/siblings and new arrival.

YANBU OP, but think you need to try and come up with a plan that is fair to both sets of GP's.

I think YAB a little bit U.

Does it have to be one extreme or the other - ie: a carful of people and stuff living in your house or no contact at all for a number of days.

Can't you just say that you are happy to accept visitors to see the new baby but that you do not need any help, and no-one is allowed to come and stay. It seems unfair to keep her away, IMO. You could even set a time limit, eg: 1 hour maximum per day.

As for your mum, I do think it's OK to have slightly different rules.

You seem to be assuming that you will feel terrible after the birth. Loads of women feel perfectly well and are happy to show off their new baby to visitors.

I never had this problem because I always thought that the baby was as much there's as mine although I did put a week's visiting ban on friends and wider family because it does get too much.

If you really believed you could just cope with you and DH - and you would because most women do - then that would apply to your mum also.

I think considering how nice your MIL is YAB a bit U and unfair.

When I had my first child, I booked into a 'cottage hospital' for a week. people could visit but not stay so I had the best of both worlds. Ask your midwife if there is one near to you. They are free by the way.

Are you having a home or a hospital birth? If hospital, I've got to tell you I found it way easier dealing with visitors in hospital, at strictly set visiting hours in the couple of days after ds's birth than I did at home a few days later.

It's up to you but in my experience getting those "first" visits out of the way made it much easier to dictate who came when after we were home.

Just something to think about.

CFC, I have exactly the same problem i.e. MIL champing at the bit regarding imminent birth. She has offered to move in with us for a week to help out despite the fact that DH is taking a month's leave and we should be able to manage between the two of us. I have tried putting her off but she persists in raising the issue every time I see her. I am afraid to tell her when I go into labour because I wouldn't be surprised if she turned up in the delivery suite mid-birth. Luckily, DH is more than willing to speak up if needs be. I would just appreciate a few days to be with my new baby (first one) and DH but fear that we will be bombarded with telephone calls and unsolicited visits. I appreciate her desire to see her grandchild but I don't appreciate the way she completely ignores what anybody else wants to get her own way.

Oh, and I was also bored out of my mind in hospital and dying for anyone to turn up, have a hold of ds so I could get for a shower and chat to me about anything.

And they usually bought nice food with them which was a big bonus

It can also be lovely having someone who isn't you or dh about the place to tidy up, do the washing, make you a meal, talk you down from the ceiling when your new dc does something you weren't expecting...

But obv that depends on the person, I do appreciate that.

My Il's also live 3+ hrs away so have to arrive and stay. We arranged my father to go and stay at his friends so they could have use of his flat for as long as they wanted. The flat was 20 mins away but they said no, intimated I was being difficult and made sarcastic comments about needing to 'go and find a B&B to stay in now' when they arrived to see ds 1 in hospital. My own brother left us to stay in London for the week.

People react in so many different ways to a new baby arriving. My MIL thought she was going to come and stay for about a week with very lazy FIL and then 2 SIl's + 1 boyfriend were to arrive at the weekend all staying at our house. It did cause merry hell when we said that actually, no, this wans't going to happen but I am happy that dh and I had time on our own (dh also finds his mother very overbearing, she is always right and can't understand why anyone wouldn't do things her way)

I don't have another and are very self sufficient which my MIL can't handle. Both her duaghters are more like teenagers than 30 thiry somethings and phone her most days. I phone when I have something to say!

With ds 2 she did stay for a week was marvelous (yes really) but did present us with a bill at the end of the week for the shopping she did which irriatted the hell out of me as I had spent weeks filling the freezer with meals so no one had to cook but that's another matter...

With our last ds -due July- I am having a c-section and I haven't broached their visit yet but they, again, can't stay as we are having help (they live so far away and I can't lift ds 2 in/out of his cot as he's 16 months) she will be uspet but the needs of our family have to come first. They are welcome to come and visit but will have to stay at a B&B.

I think YABU and that the same rules should apply for both set of grandparents.