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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

283 replies

Toppy · 15/03/2009 21:50

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 15/03/2009 21:53

well I think YANBU but I know there are some people who will think you are.

I think a lot depends on how much one rates sex as an activity oneself as to whether or not one is going to agree with you, if that makes sense (grammatical knots there)

My DH works with just such a knob - he is appalled by the bloke's attitude, if that helps.

spicemonster · 15/03/2009 21:59

This comment:

"Get with the program. Didn't you know this is the way it has always been? Us French have a more sophisticated solution to this problem than you terminally buttoned up English. It's called a mistress. Everyone is a winner. Family stays together, wife has stability, man has sex, mistress gets diamonds"

was even worse than the article.

Having said that, I loathe the way that some men are so passive and then whinge (and I have heard a lot of men do it) - 'I didn't want to have children/get married/move to the country/extend the house/whatever but she pressurised me into it'. Are you really so weak or are women so persuasive that you are unable to say no? Bollocks.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/03/2009 21:59

In an article of astoundingly horrible statements, I think the worst might be

'You can spot them at parties, in baggy clothes and making no effort to be interesting to men. Surely the ultimate mummy could still be a sex cat, if no longer a sex kitten?'

WTF - making an effort to be interesting to men? This guy was born several centuries too late. Twat.

frankbestfriend · 15/03/2009 22:01

Knob.

Yanbu

solidgoldbrass · 15/03/2009 22:01

No, not all men think like this twat. But his big mistake was in agreeing to have a child with his partner when he really didn't want to be a father - there is nothing wrong with not wanting marriage/parenthood but it's important to be honest with yourself and any prospective partners.
However, while pretty much everyone is likely to feel knackered and unsexy when they first have a new baby, there comes a point when it's not great for a woman to ignore all the other non-mummy aspects of herself indefinitely - but what is needed is for her DH to be pulling his weight domestically (rather than expecting her to service him sexually along with all the other domestic chores she has to do) and for her to have some time for herself every week.

goreousgirl · 15/03/2009 22:02

I am guessing that the bloke that wrote this, has never once lifted a finger to help EITHER of his wives - never rubbed their shoulders or done the hoovering before the friends came round, or cooked the dinner.

I bet he has done NOTHING to help these poor women, and they are probably on their knees.

He is pretty dispicable, and I believe that yes, there are other guys like this out there, but any male who thinks like that, does not deserve the sex he wants! Pig!!

MrsMattie · 15/03/2009 22:02

Just shows how pathetically immature some toads men are

hf128219 · 15/03/2009 22:02

Well there could be some truth in what he says - some woman do let themselves go.

oranges · 15/03/2009 22:03

Not sure it will be a huge loss to the human race if he stops reproducing. And does he really expect sympathy for the fact that his mistress starting acting just like his first wife?

Original poster
Toppy · 15/03/2009 22:05

Phew - I am so glad someone else is shocked. I have been self questioning all day and have just spent another half hour going over it again after reading the comments under the article. I expected them all to be disgusted but no - almost fifty fifty.

I never wanted/expected to change so much and do very much miss my old self at times but it has seemed unavoidable in my experience. Maybe because I am in my late thirties and am currenlty a SAHM I caved into the mummy thing a bit more but still, I would hate to think that anyone would judge me the way he has judged his two wives

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 15/03/2009 22:07

Oh I am glad there is a MN thread about this - read it earlier and I was raging.

"I realise that complex factors kick in after a birth, such as tiredness and self-image issues, and that high levels of the hormone prolactin while breastfeeding reduces a mother?s libido. But shouldn?t women want to overcome this?"

Do you reckon that he was the type of bloke to do his share of the night feeds?

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/03/2009 22:08

The sad thing is is that he admits that he doesn't think his daughter thinks very much of him. Shame he can't fathom out why that is.

Clayhead · 15/03/2009 22:12

I swear I have read this exact article before!

I read it thinking it had been written purely to get a reaction and not because he believed in anything he wrote.

Doozle · 15/03/2009 22:13

I read his article too and thought what a complete arsehole.

Original poster
Toppy · 15/03/2009 22:13

Do you think he is the Sunday Times Troll ?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 15/03/2009 22:14

I think it serves him right that his mistress started acting like his wife! He seems a Peter Pan character and is going to be a sad old man if he expects intelligent women to be sex kittens.

Clayhead · 15/03/2009 22:14

Toppy - I guess that is what I'm saying!!

poshwellies · 15/03/2009 22:15

Read this too..

Twunt.

Guess marriage number 2 isn't going to last much longer either.

EllieG · 15/03/2009 22:17

I was horrified reading this article today, but if am really honest with myself, some of this was because I felt a twinge of guilt about how I have 'let myself go' a bit since having DD. I am fatter, and am less groomed and am not as interested in sex because am knackered all the time. Having said that, I will not be so forever, and my DH, not being George feckin Clooney himself, is not in any position to do anything but be supportive! Seriously though - he is an understanding bloke, and more importantly, loves me, so as long as he feels I am happy and we have some time together he is happy too. Your priorities change when you have a baby, and what was about 'you and me' has to take a backseat to become about the child. I get the feeling that the writer of this article is actually somewhat jealous of his poor child and resentful of his wife not making him the centre of her world anymore. My DH wanted to have children and we are both happy to have our own needs a bit on the backburner for a while.

I think the moral of the story is, don't marry someone who is still in many respects, a child themselves. And men, if you don't want kids, don't have them! There are plenty of women who are happy not to.

Oh and that man is a knobber, so YANBU.

PussinJimmyChoos · 15/03/2009 22:17

Its an awful article! I was a curvy 10st before DS and when I got pg I had terrible sickness that only abated (marginally!) when I ate something.

When the sickness passed, I was hungry pretty much constantly until about 34 weeks and although I tried to eat healthy snacks, it didn't always work. I put on 4st during the pg. I had stretch marks, the birth was traumatic and I had an em c section. Factor post natal depression into the mix and I was not a back at the gym within 2 minutes of giving birth mum!

I've lost some (not all) of the excess baby weight now, I take care of my hair, skin and nails and always look nice when I go out. However, I still have the stretch marks, the c section scar and a mummy tummy....so no, I'm not the 'sex kitten' I was before pregnancy but you know what - DS was and still is worth every single bit of it.

I could go to the gym 3-4 times a week and shape up, or I could do exercise DVDs at home but it would mean less time with my DS and given that I already work 3 days a week, my evening times with DS are precious - I want to be the one to read him a bedtime story, to sing to him and tell him how much I love him.

How much time do these 'sex kitten' mums actually spend with their children?? They may look great, but at what cost??

That bloke is a total knobhead

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 15/03/2009 22:36

I read:

I am a shallow, self-absorbed pathetic specimen who is rapidly approaching middle age. I am unable to keep a promise or keep my todger in my pants, I am incapable of seeing beyond my own incipient beer belly and balding spot.

I am desperately seeking validation for my weak-willed behaviour and what's more-

IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU'RE SO UNFAIR! I WANT MY TEDDY!! PAY ME SOME ATTENTION. WHINGE. WHINGE.

But maybe I'm being harsh on the poor misunderstood little lambykins.

Then again, maybe he is just a complete knob.

Spero · 15/03/2009 22:41

He is a knob and its a shame he had to express himself so knobbishly because I think there are some important truths buried under the mountain of knob -

People should definitely talk to one another BEFORE having children about what they want and what they expect;

AND some women do get a bit weird after having children. It is not vile rampant misogyny for a husband to want his wife to take pride in herself and get out of her dressing gown. If you don't bother, aren't you showing a lack of respect for both yourself and your partner?

Pruners · 15/03/2009 22:42

Message withdrawn

Sorrento · 15/03/2009 22:42

I weigh 2 stone less now after 3 children than I did as a 20 year old singleton, I have less time to spend eating 3 course meals and less money to spend in the pub.

I do think the guys a knob but equally you do look at at some mums in the playground who look a bloody mess and think pull yourself together.

Ironically though I do think that the tidy mummies tend to be more organised so fit more time with their children into their days than the slummy ones who seem to do everything last minute by the seat of their pants.

Sorrento · 15/03/2009 22:44

I also know of a man (who is too a knob) who's wife put 4 stone on whilst pregnant with their 2nd child, who after realising signing her up with a personal trainer wasn't going to work, left the wife for a fitter model.
It's not right but it happens.

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