to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

[Toppy]

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

"Sex kitten" is a very 1970s phrase, isn't it? I don't think I have ever heard it applied to anyone who wasn't Pia Zadora or Farrah Fawcett Majors or that type/era.

A lot of the meejah aimed at women -chick-lit books, feelgood TV shows and films, magazines like Cosmo and so on - is all about how to "snare" a man, as if this has to be the centre of your life. That which is broadly aimed at men, like GQ and spy/sci-fi/action thrillers, puts the emphasis on equally stereotypical but more independent-based "male" activity, i.e. it doesn't reinforce the idea that you need to "get" a woman to be a whole person.

Agree mayorquimby, def. double standards on here with regard to that libido issue.

I think this article has makes a valid point, not very pc, but possibly true. Some women do let themselves go when they have children and I can see why over a period of time that would be dissapointing. It's not just about the physical changes, if you've been an interesting, vital career woman and then change into someone who can only talk about dc's. How hard is it to read a newspaper, wash your hair and put on some make up?

Agree with mayorquimby and UnquietDad.

Definitley a lot of double standards on this issue from some MN posters.

Not at all hard to do those things imeannow, but is that really going to transform a woman into a 'sex kitten'? It strikes me that the article was talking about much deeper issues to do with people changing their way of life and their mental attitude.

It is a difficult one. Parenthood can make people forget they are also part of a loving partnership, a lot of which is about finding each other sexually attractive (partly why you got together in the first place).

On the other hand, DW and I have friends of both genders who have, in the last few years, played the "I wasn't getting what I wanted sexually therefore I played away" card. It's a very dangerous route to start finding "acceptable". Because then you get a situation where, five years into your marriage, your husband or wife says "I want to shag goats/ have threesomes/ (insert name of favourite specialist activity here) and if you prevent me from doing so you are stopping me from exploring myself as a full sexual being."

I suppose the answer is to know your prospective husband/wife well enough and make sure your perversion levels are calibrated, so that there aren't going to be any nasty surprises of that sort...

Clearly the guy was a twat, both in what he did and the way in which he wrote about it, but he did unintentionally make a couple of valid points amongst his self-obsessed witterings.

Firstly, that people do grow and change over time and parenthood certainly accelerates this process and probably magnifies the changes. Couples often grow together, however sometimes sadly they do not. Children aside, the person you fell in love with at eighteen may not be the same person at forty or, alternatively, be exactly the same person whilst you've moved on.

Secondly, that for some people, how they are as a couple is as important as how they are as a family. Some people are content to live solely as a family, some people really need their time as a couple to make their relationship work. Part of this is how you look, act and treat your partner. Personally, for me, I think DW as a wife is a different person to me than DW as a mummy. Part of that is ensuring that you remain attractive to that person (be it in terms of looks, personality, romantic gestures or whatever).

Riven, I don't see why the two have to be exclusive. Surely it's possible to put your children first and ensure that who you are as a person remains. I don't see why becoming a mother has to mean that you let yourself go. By which I don't just think it's about the physical, but also about your interests, your emotional life and your sexual life.

I do think the male partner has a role to play here too. A woman who is feels she is doing all the drudge work is not going to feel very sex kitten like. Its about partnership and communication.

Just wanted to comment on the idea that 'not making an effort' with one's appearance is something of an insult to the partner (one poster earlier equated slobbing around in a dressing gown etc.. to a virtual 'f*ck off'). While it might feel insulting to the partner, they ought to consider the fact that complete lack of interest in one's own appearance can be linked to low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy or even depression. A partner should be sufficiently interested and sympathetic as to see whether they can help their partner with the issue, rather than just giving up on them.

dp announced yesterday that he doesn't want to be with me anymore as i'm not 'slutty and sexy' like when we met.

no shit, i've had 3 babies in 4 years... good luck finding a slutty little sex kitten who wants to be with a selfish lazy sack of shit like you darling

for the record i'm a size 10 4 weeks after giving birth and i can absolutely garuantee that he gets more sex than any other man in a 7 year old relationship with young children

Have you kicked him out?

So sorry to hear that PinkTulips. Sounds like you'll be better off in the long run.

nope, last time we had sex was the day before ds2 was born and he's feeling neglected because i don't see why i should give him a hj or a bj just because he's feeling horny... hence his abusive little rant.

and yes, he's leaving as soon as he does his final exam for his course next week and is currently sleeping on the couch and i haven't spoken to him since his litle speech.

PinkTulips - you seem to have a prize one there - hope you work it out to YOUR best interests.

his loss.

better in the long run if the kids don't grow up with an idiot like that in the house

I admire your strength and self confidence.

I agree with Riven here. The first six months of your babies life is all consuming - what's wrong with that?
The baby takes so much attention and energy from us(esp if breastfeeding) that you don't want to spend their nap time doing housework/grooming ones self. A cup of tea and a book is much nicer.
Both me and my house and my relationshio were all over the place after dc1, she hardly ever slept and we were both exhausted.
I would have been disgusted if DH asked me where his sex kitten had gone.

I don't mind women banging on about their babies- beats office gossip anyday!

I did my Marge Simpson growl when I read the article at the weekend but it made me appreciate my DH all the more who has to put up with sex once a month if he's lucky! And a fat old moaning wife to boot...

I could see the writer as a sad lonely dribbling old man trying to unsuccessfully grope the young care nurses in his old people's home. That made me feel much better about it...