to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

[Toppy]

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

neverknowinglyunderdressed hear hear !
< puts helmet on>

I think it's a bit of a furphy to turn the thread to a debate about attachment parenting and co-sleeping. There's no indication whatsoever in the column that the first wife lost her sex kittenishness due to AP. It seems motherhood was enough to do the job on it's own from his take on it.

I'm also not entirely sure what being a sex kitten has to do with being a successful, dynamic doctor. He actually seems quite confused as to what he wants from a women. Essentially it seems he wants attention and a relationship that's entirely on his terms. That's a very different concept to a mother who adopts an AP style of parenting against her partner's instincts and at the expense of their relationship.

Actually, one of the effects of prolactin is a reduction in libido. Coupled with soreness after birth and disrupted sleep, I don't think there's any shame in reducing sex for several months. And sorry, but I think a man needs to cope with that for a few months and prioritise his partner's health and his baby's wellbeing. I would say the same about a woman whose husband was recovering from a health problem, surgery etc. That's love, marriage/long term commitment and co-parenting!

I also feel pnd is more on a sliding scale. You don't just have or not have it. Birth, breastfeeding etc. releases crazy hormones and you can live in a slightly altered reality for a while even if you're not diagnosed with fullblown pnd.

A sensible couple will negotiate their priorities. And I hate this 'blame' thing on women who are struggling. It's not easy for everyone. I struggled with my first baby a lot, the second was a relative breeze. The third is going ok, but not as easy as number 2. I've fought anxiety/depression at various times and severity. All babies are different and all births are different in recovery time.

And sex kitten? Feh, who cares? Do what you need to make yourself feel good and healthy, and show kindness towards your partner. Impressing men at parties may be fun, but to me that doesn't even rank with having a happy, healthy family and I'd be bothered by a partner who prioritised trophy-wifeness or a spotless house over his family's wellbeing. That reeks of immaturity.

< adds her own handclapping to Carmen>

Just got round to reading the article - the writer seems to be immature and agree he wants everything on his terms. But maybe the only valid point that comes out of this is that in some cases the mum becomes too focused on the baby and perhaps lets herself go a bit in terms of keeping up appearances. My DW still says to our boys that shes not looking too bad really and still dresses with good style.

Haven't gone through any of the other replies on this thread but I like my DW as a sex cat now - more mature and deeper relationship, maybe less often but more intense.

at applause