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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

283 replies

Toppy · 15/03/2009 21:50

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

OP posts:
Pruners · 15/03/2009 23:29

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solidgoldbrass · 15/03/2009 23:33

Spero: well it's about communication and fairness between couples, and fairness means that both partners get the same amount of free time. Yes, if one partner is the SAHP they are going to do more of the domestic work/childcare, but that doesn't mean the income-earning partner is entitled to do nothing in the way of childcare and domestic work, unless the income earner is prepared to pay for some of the domestic work to be done in order to give the SAHP free time.

Spero · 15/03/2009 23:34

Pruners, you are right it is not as simple as 'she has stopped trying' - BUT both halves of the partnership have to own their responsibilties to each other. there do seem to be quite a lot of women who seethe with resentment but are not giving much back to their partners.

Pruners · 15/03/2009 23:36

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Spero · 15/03/2009 23:37

yes, that is an entirely fair point sgb and I know a lot of couples where this is done - sahm gets a cleaner for eg. In some instances I do wonder what the bloody hell the woman does all day - children are at school, cleaner comes every day. Maybe I'm just jealous as I wouldn't mind that life.

I'm not saying working partner should do nothing - I did say weekends should be different - but if you expect your partner to work all day and then come home and cook and clean I think you have unrealistic and unfair expectations about the relationship and about what mutual love and support means.

Generic you of course.

UnquietDad · 15/03/2009 23:39

I agree with a lot of what Spero is saying. And a lot comes down to exactly what agreement you came up with when you decided that one person would stay at home and the other would earn the money.

Looking after a small baby or a toddler is hard and full of chaos, but when they are at school, how exactly does one fill six hours a day? It sure isn't with washing and hoovering.

(A SAHM friend of DW's admits that she leaves all the household clearing-up to the end part of the day so that she can be bustling around looking frantically busy when he comes in, because otherwise she'd get it all done by lunchtime and be siting on her arse reading the paper when he comes home from work!)

Spero · 15/03/2009 23:44

UnquiteDad, was i just extremely lucky in that i had an abnormally quiet and biddable child (which incidentally I don't think for a second was the case) or should we be challenging this notion that looking after a baby or toddler is 'hard and full of chaos'??

Why should it be so? There were times when I definitely wasn't enjoying the baby thing so much but I am pretty sure 'chaos' never entered the equation. Why make such heavy weather of it?

usernamechanged345 · 15/03/2009 23:44

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mrsblanc · 15/03/2009 23:46

well said spero

Pruners · 15/03/2009 23:47

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Pruners · 15/03/2009 23:48

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Spero · 15/03/2009 23:51

Sorry, Mrs P still not getting it. My baby slept for about five hours a day, which I spent mainly watching Scrubs and drinking coffee. for an hour of that time I did some housework. We would go out for a trip to the shops, park whatever, i'd come back and put her on her playmat, bouncy door thingie and do another hour, half an hour. I lived in a pretty small two bed place and it was always clean and tidy.

I don't think some woman are being entirely honest with themselves if they blame the state of their homes and themselves on the fact they have a baby. Toddlers I admit are a bit more tricky as mobile but the great thing about babies is if you put them in the bouncy door thingie they don't have much of a choice about it and you can get 10 minutes to sort yourself out.

Unless you've got PND or a partner who abuses you I don't see what the problem is.

Perhaps I've just been very lucky, but I honestly don't think so. My baby seemed to be just like most other babies - sometimes screamed, sometimes slept.

Spero · 15/03/2009 23:52

Er, Mrs P I thought I made the point that she is not particularly calm or biddable. Doesn't mean my life is descending into chaos however.

HappyandEiknowit · 15/03/2009 23:52

i agree pruners my DH is exactly the same and relies on me to instruct him how to do certain jobs around the house!! its as if he has no eyes or common sense to look at the sink and see dishes and thing "oh, il wash them then as they havent been done yet" there has been many a row due to my husband thinking his full time job (electrician) is not only more important but also more tireing, stressful, and much harder work than my full time job (customer service/house cleaner/mum to very demanding, clingy toddler who wakes 2-3 times per night every night) now i know that he is an electrician/dad to demanding toddler etc but he does no night waking duty, no nursery childminder runs, no washing and dressing before nursery etc run but i do all of that plus a mentally stressful 35 hour per week job and i am still expected to cook the dinner when i get home-after he does naturally and then bath and put to bed our child (who was originally all his idea-i was the one needing convincing) and then run up and down the stairs all night to our DD and then flop into bed and put into words exactly why i cant be arsed i would rather not have sex 3-4 times a week ok genious take a wild guess!! every second of the sleep i manage is precious and i like to start as early as possible im sure im not the only woman out there who is like this and i am in most ways not a slummy mummy i try to take care of myself and take care of my appearance as i have to for my job and i like to for myself!! if my DH demanded it he can try to dodge the swift kick in the balls that would come from me
xx ei xx

Spero · 15/03/2009 23:52

Sorry, not mrs P, I meant Pruners

thumbwitch · 15/03/2009 23:59

Spero - you WERE very lucky to have a baby who slept 5 hours a day. Very.

usernamechanged345 · 16/03/2009 00:00

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UnquietDad · 16/03/2009 00:00

Isn't "thinking about it" part of being the stay-at-home parent, though? Just as the working parent has to not just attend their meetings/ drive their fork-lift but also schedule and plan said meetings and know where said fork-lift is and that it is in good working order?

Pruners · 16/03/2009 00:01

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usernamechanged345 · 16/03/2009 00:03

This reply has been deleted

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Pruners · 16/03/2009 00:06

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Spero · 16/03/2009 00:09

Mrs P, I agree, that is what makes a relationship worthwhile, if your partner is there to support you when things get rough.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, and I realise that not everyone gets a baby who sleeps for chunks of time but I don't think it is helpful to adopt 'babies=chaos'as a default mode.

I think Pruners point is very interesting - what is really going on here? What is the 'disconnect' that means you just can't be bothered to do things that would take about ten minutes? Cooking a meal doesn't have to take hours, get some pasta and a sauce, you can do it in five mins.

i wonder whether the real problem is the seething resentments which fester because people don't get their expectations up front from the beginning or fail to appreciate that you do have to accept changes to your lifestyle when you have a baby.

I do appreciate that men can be utter arsewipes in this passive aggressive nonsense about 'tell me what to do' (open your eyes fuckwit!! its right in front of you) but equally i think we sometimes do ourselves no favours by letting things slide.

anyway I'm off to bed, damn you, I was supposed to leave this thread ages ago, now I won't have time to wax the kitche floors before I go to bed.

PS that was a joke. It gets wiped once a month if that. But I don't claim that's because I can't do it because my daughter is too much hard work, its because I can't be arsed and the tiles don't show the dirt.

Pruners · 16/03/2009 00:20

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wrinklytum · 16/03/2009 00:33

Pruners,i think you have spoken very intelligently on this thread.I hate the fact that the role of a mother is so belittled in our society.

Added to that,what is the deeper issue.I have been a SAHM for the last year,and am soon to be going back as the main breadwinner,albeit part time (ACTUALLY,i THINK THIS WILL BE MY REST PERIOD AWAY FROM IT ALL!).DP has become disabled and so has my dd.

I am relied upon for it all.I do the "Thinking role" for everyone.

I hate the way the role of motherhood is so belittled within our society.

Pruners · 16/03/2009 00:39

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