to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

[Toppy]

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

"All the interfearence (sp?) from 'childcare experts', the media and the government have turned childrearing into a circus of guilt"

I do agree with that. And I sort of agree with spero. Childrearing doesn't have to turn your life into a living nightmare.

However just because it doesn't, that doesn't mean you should remain the same as you were pre-dc just for the sake of some pathetic childish man who wants to be pampered and have his vanity pandered to! It means that you then have time for the things that matter to you. And then, perhaps, you have a chance to become again the interesting person that your partner fell for. But it should be that way round not the other.

YANBU- and neither for the women dont expect their OH to remain sex- gods if they pull their weight with the kids and home and work eithier!

YANBU- and neither for the women dont expect their OH to remain sex- gods if they pull their weight with the kids and home and work eithier!

copper

I just read the article. My mind is so full of interesting and colourful words (that can not be repeated in front of my LO)....

I COULD NEVER be with a man like that. My DP is more interested in cuddles and knowing that he has a family to snuggle up to than sex. Sometimes this frustrates me because I think need sex more than he does most of the time -haha-, but I prefer it like that rather than being with a total DICK like the one who wrote that article.

What an UTTER

Must go and lie down now. Too riled up.

Arghhh

To be fair, sometimes having a baby completely changes the way you think. I don't at all blame the media for the way I parent - I "blame" my hormones, maternal instinct etc.

Prior to actually having him, I was sure I was going to be a firm mum who left DS to cry as necessary, didn't give in, he would be in his own bed straight away, no tv, no sleeping in my bed, la la la. SOOOO different when he appeared. Everything just changed. I know this doesn't happen to everyone, I didn't expect it to happen to me either! But it does happen to some and it isn't anyone else's "fault" and I don't consider what I am doing now to be wrong - I have a happy healthy little boy - what more could I ask for? And a supportive DH who allows me to be the sort of mum I am.

yey neverknowinglyunderdressed, like the 'circus of guilt' phrase

horton - didn't EBB's 'asthma' clear up quite quickly once she ran off with Robert??

What is 'derogation of rivals' ??

I think as with most things, we're all somewhere on a spectrum. At one end you've got the Julie Myerson 'broken sparrows', at the other Nicola Horlick.

I am not a fan of extremes either way, but I would much prefer my daughter to grow up nearer the NH end. The 'broken sparrow' style of baby parenting does seem to end up with said baby telling you to repeatedly to 'fuck off ' once s/he reaches teenage years.

spicemonster, sorry just noticed this; of course I consider the man who wrote this article to be a whiny self indulgent bell end. But I do suspect it was exaggerated to provoke reaction.

However, my point was that there is some truth in what he says, even though he says it in a way guarranteed to rile and upset.

Just wanted to add:

This guy's mum is obviously either dead or doesn't read the paper because if that was my son expressing such views I'd smack his sorry arse, hard.

but I bet your son would not grow up thinking like that... I'd be very interested to know what kind of parenting he had. Assuming this article wasn't just totally made up to fill a page. I have never met someone quite such a bellend and I've had many wonderful opportunities to spend time with quite appalling fuckwits.

Yeah, lets blame his mother.

He is a knob jockey and should take responsibility for his own life. Its not his mums fault, his wife, or his daughter that he is an immature prick.

Er, I said 'parenting'. No way did I say 'blame his mother'. But you (presumably) aren't BORN a misogynist fuckwit?? Presuambly you had to be exposed to some kind of attitude/behaviours in your formative years?

i think a youth obsessed society and a consumerist approach to life can help keep him an unappealing berk (i'm young, i'm fun, it's mine, i want), wouldn't just need to be his parents.

i read this article through to its weak end at the weekend. kind of slid off my consciousness as sadly irrelevant, like him to his own life. i'm someone whose immune system has gone mad after each pg and left me now with 3 irreverible, life changing and probably life shortening auto-immune disorders, i kind of laughed thinking y'all just have to excuse me for not pole-dancing til i drop while i try and raise my kids in constant pain.

yes, it was fuckwittage of highest order.

ps that is of course me in the pain, not the kids, i've not been using them to batter down his agents office or any such thing

Crackfox: you misread my post!!

I meant to say that IF a mother would read this she'd be quite sad this her son would assume such a sexist and sad point of view, no?

So any mum witnessing her son spouting such crap must feel a bit

Not blaming his mum at all, re-read my post and don't comment unless you understand it.

Cheers.

Some posters have said that you change as a person after you have a baby and it is nothing wrong with being totally focused to the new baby. I agree.

It is not wrong if you do it because you want to do it. But it is 'wrong' if you do it because you are pressurised to - media etc- and you then moan endlessely about how tired you are.

If you want to play 'peek a boo' all day non stop to a 2 months old and you enjoy doing it, thats fine. But if you do it because you are trying to be 'perfect mother' because some book says that this will increase the baby's IQ, then you end up tired AND boring.
And i think this is how many new parents end up, especially if they read many childcare books. IT IS boring. And i am not sexist, i am talking about mums AND dads.

Then as a result of trying too hard we have this collective moaning syndrome that parents of our generation seem to have.

sfendona......the thing that no-one seems to want to admit is that life is much more fun pre-children...but eventually the fun doesnt seem as great as it once did, and you actually enjoy cosy nights in with the telly...i think thats the best time to have kids because then you dont feel you've missed out on anything.think the guy in the article is an immature twat,whos not past the "funs-r-us" stage.

Eh? You think collective moaning is a modern thing??

That's the funniest thing I've heard in ages!

Yes MonkeyTrousers
i think we moan more than previous generations. Our parents and grandparents had it much harder (not even w/m and dishwasher) and had a much more relaxed attidute. And when they moaned it was 'oh no money for new shoes..'
Our generation is more like '..parenting is very hard because i have to attend baby yoga classes and to read all the baby guru books.. and poor me i am so tired..'.

"horton - didn't EBB's 'asthma' clear up quite quickly once she ran off with Robert??"

Yes, I think it did. They went to live in Italy, didn't they, where it was warm and easy to breathe and they weren't surrounded by cold air and damp and coal smoke etc.

Copper top - (i am also bit of a copper top!) obviously I have only had the experience of my two (who were 2 different babies) but i did get them to synchronize all their nap and feeding times. No mean feet i assure you. Babies with medical issues aside, I do feel most baby stuff is not rocket science but maybe you have to be quite hard. I guess i am hardened out of necessity of having two at once, you just cant pander to them... be up all night for weeks because you literally would just keel over.

I watch other mothers and because i have been there myself i can see that they are inadvertantly training them to do the opposit of they really want. And i do strongly believe that this 'attachment parenting' type of approach has a lot to answer for. I know this is controvesial!

For instance my hospital ran a twins class for expectant mums of twins to attend. The midwife was talking about whatever the latest governemnt parenting fad was and then starting advocating co- sleeping. Then she said later that her ten year old still sleeps in her bed! Hello?! Well, i dont think my marriage would survive with the kids in bed with us every night.

If you want to and enjoy spending all day playing with your baby and then be up with it every 40 mins thru the night, that is a choice. But for me it seems fairly common sense that if the baby sleeps thru the night, mum can have some time to her self. For some that would be lying on the sofa eating biccies, for others it would be cleaning and for others it would be reading, or grooming or whatever.

But dont tell me you cant wash and dress because you have a baby and you dont want to put it down because it will cry. Of course it will cry - you've been carrying it around since you got back from the hospital! There is a natural order, you are the adult, you are in charge of the child for a good reason. A 1 year old should not be running the show.

(I'll put my body armour on now!)

Ditto Neverknowingly

I would be very sad if either of my daughters aspired to be a sex kitten at any stage of their lives. I think that this kind of behaviour always leads to heartache.

There is so much more to a relationship that the state of a woman's body or her libido following the birth of THEIR child.

I hope that I am setting a better example for both my daughters and my sons.

This article makes me feel slightly ill. (That ought to teach me for following the link.) His children have my pity because they are the innocent victims of his childish fantasies.

Sorry for any offence caused to sex kittens and "men" who think they deserve to live with one.

I totally agree with you Neverknowingly.

I wholeheartedly pandered to my babies' demands, and loved every moment of it.

And dh fully supported me in that.

And co-sleeping is hardly a modern fad is it... I think you might find it's been done for centuries all over the world, and for good reasons.