to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

[Toppy]

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

I agree with pretty much everything that Spero has said. Sterling work doing that much posting through the night.

Just wanted to say that I absolutley do not think leaving your wife just 6 months after having a baby is acceptable.

I also wanted to say that Low Libido that lasts for years and where the marriage is otherwise loving and supportive is undoubtedly a result of physical/hormonal condition for which treatment exists. Anyone that suffers from Low Libido that does not sort itself after a few years shuld seek medical advice from their GP.

He just didn't wait long enough, having a baby is a huge life change. I thought it would be a doddle after a class of 30 children and it was much, much harder. Six months is no time at all, it means that he was expecting a 'sex kitten' when her body was still recovering from the birth and she hadn't got used to the needs of a baby. A time when he should have been helping.I would be very resentful if a DP was expecting the impossible. I didn't let my self go but my body wasn't the same and any attempt at dieting dried up the milk supply so it had to wait. I got back to the pre birth weight but not within 6 months. It sounds to me as if he was a spoilt person who was expecting it all within weeks. You would think that he would learn something from the experience, but no-he gives the new partner an extra 12 weeks but feels the same!
I can't see him having an adult, equal relationship unless he matures.

Well, yabu, but then so again is the writer. He's an idiot, plain and simple. Telling phrase, " I?m the same person I?ve always been." He didn't want children, and I don't understand why any woman would want his selfish genes anyway

what's this in the comments though -"Simon honey, you should have married a child free woman if you didn't want kids. I AM a feminist, which is why I hate what Frances and Maria did. Way to make career women out there look bad, and get passed over for promotions. They make bosses out there think that all women want is to pop babies out"

compared with this

"I'm not a feminist but reading this article I wish I was. Why have 2 children when u don't want any???Why get married if u don't want to?It's not like these 2 women put a gun to your head, and told u to marry them and have children with them. These were choices u (not your wives) made for yourself."

the guy is a complete immature k**b sounds pretty narcissistic to me BUT although I don't agree with him as such there are some themes in this article which could have been better dealt with I think.

IMO a lot of women (and men) do become complete bores after having children, it's all they can very boringly talk about, one of the reasons why i work and on my day off with dd avoid the SAHM world. I sue there ARE interesting women out there with different things to talk about but my experience of any kind of parent and baby gathering is being bored stupid. Of cours I do have friends with dcs but most of them were friends before and the pople we've met at nursery who we've become friends with are other working parents.

As for the appearance thing I was so militant after dd was born I wouldn't become mumsy I went to massive efforts to look as glamourous as before, if not more so. I've calmed down a fair bit now, esp now I'm pg and in that horrible "inbetween" stage where normal clothes are getting tight and maternity too big still. But I still put a bit of make-up on everyday, try to think about my outfit and am always out of pjs pretty quick in the morning!

I don't do this for dh, I do it for me, to feel like a reasonably attractive, functioning, non mumsy woman, who has her own identity.

I also doubt whether she changed beyond all recognition. He didn't want a baby and he wasn't preparedto adapt-he still wanted to be the centre of attention.
I had a friend with a DH like that. He actually wanted a baby, but then didn't like being tied down. He met a woman at work who was a 'free spirit' , she wasn't tied down with a mortgage, she wasn't meeting the needs of a small baby, she didn't need a baby sitter to go out and she made him the centre of attention.He left my friend for this 'like minded' woman-it turned out that she wanted babies and a mortgage. We all thought it was really funny!! In a very short time he had another 2 children. As soon as my friend got beyond the baby stage she got organised, went back to work and had a social life- he was bogged down with babies!

Honestly - do some men ever grow up?

I'd say that the only 'issue' in this article is that the author is a self centred, immature eejit.

I don't agree for one moment (in fact, make that a nanosecond) that it is a woman's responsibility to endlessly pander to ego driven prats like him.

Why one Earth would any woman play the 'sex kitten' to some dicksmack guy even before they had kids?

I'm a woman, not a sex toy or pet, kids or no.

"I'm a woman, not a sex toy or pet, kids or no. "

Amen to that! Actually, the phrase 'sex kitten' makes me want to puke.

I think where relationships often run into trouble after the first baby is when the relationship pre-babies was all about the man. He was the important one and the woman was supposed to meet all his needs. Maybe she hadn't really noticed that this was how things were simply because it wasn't a big deal to her: she liked what he liked, they had fun together etc and she didn't relaly notice that it was always him who set the agenda.
THen when the first baby arrives suddenly the bloke's needs and whims and wishes aren;t in first place any more, the woman has something else to think about - and immature selfish men can't handle this. Rather than trying to work with their partners, they either piss and moan (or indeed turn abusive) or they start affairs, because they have to be the one who matters most in the household.

"but I know one thing: from now on, I?m putting myself first. I?ll never trust a woman again, no matter what they promise. "

Isn't that exactly what he did do???

Is there a picture of him anywhere, is he a buff, ripped, male model type bloke? Or a balding, middle aged paunch setting in, lech who leers at every young girl who walks by???

I would love to see what he actually looks like..

'hanging around at parties making no effort to be interested to men'hahahaha.Twat.

Solid Brass do you not think in many ways though that's the woman's fault ?
I have read my 21 year old cousins comments on facebook and they are all about how to get and keep a man and you think for god sake what's he doing about keeping you ?
It seems as though we haven't moved forward at all and womens achievements all count for nothing unless she has a happy boyfriend/husband.

Agree Sorrento. Why would anyone want to 'catch and keep' a man? They aren't pets.

Fuzzywuzzy, I'm guessing at lech. Actually doesn't matter if he is fabulously fit with a perfect body or not, his attitude still stinks to high heaven.

I suspect he may have been spoilt as a child by a doting mother. Just a guess.

I'm a bit at wife number 1, actually.

If you want children and your OH doesn't, don't stick with him, lie to him 'because you love him' and them claim he owes you a child. Discuss it with him. If he definitely doesn't want children then you'll have to decide whether to stay with him or to try to find someone who does want to be a father.

PS and yes of course he is a dick, but there's no point me repeating what everyone else has said

I can't get past the idea Francis lied to him about not wanting children, then threw a fortnight long strop to get him to agree.

More fool him for agreeing , but if she really did do that and then changed beyond recognition I don't blame him for leaving.

However I hate the extrapolation by the author that this is in some way TYPICAL of what women do.

Does this mean that if a male partner gets fat, bald and ugly, his wife has a right to bugger off, or have affairs. Interesting

Riven I think the problem in this case was that the wife started out very UNmumsy, then changed.

THe opposite can happen too. I have known women who a few years into marriage started to take better care of themselves, got fit, lost weight and generally glammed themselves up. In one case I know of the husband found this very unsettling and they are now divorced.

Message withdrawn

"Does this mean that if a male partner gets fat, bald and ugly, his wife has a right to bugger off, or have affairs. Interesting "

i wouldn't say it should be a blanket rule. but i think people are a bit naieve who say it shouldn't matter at all you should love your partner for who they are. when if one partner,male or female, does make the effort to stay in shape and stay healthy and the other goes from being healthy fit and active to being a couch potatoe, is it really unacceptable for the other partner to feel a bit swindled?
also i have seen threads on here which outline the situation you described coupled with a non-existent libido from the man.and there will be quite a few replies to the tune of "well your sex-life shouldn't end just because he's decided his has" etc where as with the reverse situation there will be a lot of "the shallow prick, what does he expect you had x kids for him.tell him to use his hand and service himself" etc.
i'm not saying either is right and luckilyt i haven't encountered such problems in my relationship, i just don't think it's as black and white as some make out