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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
KerryMumbles · 26/02/2009 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justaboutindisguise · 26/02/2009 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 13:04

Go for it. And enjoy it on behalf of all of us mothers who feel our lives have "disappeared in amongst the laundry and packed lunches".

emkana · 26/02/2009 13:04

I agree 100 % with morningpaper.

The only time that can never be brought back in the time we spend with our children. Whereas you can do things similar to this in about 10 years' time when they will be much much much better equipped to cope with your absence.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 26/02/2009 13:05

KerryMumbles, I would have done it. Plus as FAQ points out the children will be in school/nursery most of the day and not with the Nanny.

I highly doubt that the op will be appointing the Nanny the day she sets off. Her children will have time to bond with the Nanny before she goes. It's not like she does this every year.

morningpaper · 26/02/2009 13:05

have read blog now. It's even SADDER. they are going to miss you so much

going to feck off this thread now

MmeLindt · 26/02/2009 13:05

Kerry
Yes, if I had the opportunity to do something that I really wanted to do and was certain that the kids would be happy with the nanny, then I would do this. My two are only a year older than the OPs and DH and I often go away for a week, leaving the DCs with Granny.

If you are the type of person who would not leave the DC with Granny to have a weekend away with your DH/DP then you are going to find the OP's plan unreasonable.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 13:05

That is it. The sea is dangerous. The sea is a terrifying force which claim many lives around my parts. Just last week a a young female fisher(wo)man died at sea. Once swept off board, during a storm, you are not likely to be found. People who work on the sea knows this, it is a risk they take when they sign up for work on the ocean. Yesterday a vessel sank not many miles from here.

Do you KNOW the sea?

Do you know what the sea is like during a storm? During torrential rain?

Have you had any encounters with the sea, other than a sunny day at the beach?

You are a mother.
One wrong step and your children will have to deal with losing you. YOU the senter of their universe.

I am not a miserygit leading a dull life (heck I am out for a spot of midnight skiing this evening) but I have also nearly drowned, once.

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 26/02/2009 13:05

YABU. Not for wanting to do it, but because you would be leaving your kids with a new nanny.

I have worked full time since dd was 5 months and she has had childminders since then.
I often have to go away for work, at one point, when she was just 2 i had to be away for 13 weeks with only two short weekends home in that time. I was also a single parent with no contact from the father at all.

I had to use a childminder during the day and then a family member would pick dd up after work and dd stayed with that family member.
I would never have considered leaving her with a new minder, the one that she was with had been caring for her whilst i was at work for 13 months. DD was very comfortable with her, any niggles had been ironed out in the first couple of weeks ( and believe me, childcare does come with niggles) and i was comfortable with her as well.

Dd was quite distant with me for almost 2 months after that, we are now closer than ever (she is 9 this yr) but had i left her with someone she dodn't knwo as well i doubt that she would have recovered from me leaving her so quickly.

I see no reason at all why you can't wait a couple of years to do this.

PuppyMonkey · 26/02/2009 13:06

Ooh I'm not envious of OP at all. Especially as I can't swim...

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:07

but it's not that dangerous - I've had a google and I can't find any reports of deaths (or serious life threatening injuries) coming about from the clipper race

oh actually - I lie Cap?n Sir Robin did

Sassybeast · 26/02/2009 13:07

MAS - without making huge generalistions about any of the other 'disapprovers' as you have been quick to do I think it's quite sad that someone has got to this point in there life and feels the need to seek fulfilment and adventure so far away from her children. I'd be looking much closer to home to find ways to fing 'me time'. I had my adventures before I had my kids and I'm sure I'll have plenty more once they don't 'need' me anymore.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:10

"Do you KNOW the sea?

Do you know what the sea is like during a storm? During torrential rain?

Have you had any encounters with the sea, other than a sunny day at the beach?~"

ermm according to her blog she can answer yes to all of those questions - she learnt to sail as a child around Port Elizabeth on the Southern Coast of South Africa (aka known as "Windy City"

emkana · 26/02/2009 13:10

Just read the conversation you had with your 5 year old about leaving...
[gulp]

I really really really couldn't do it

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 13:11

Get Skype on the boat. If you are sure they will be safe with a new nanny then stop agonising. If you show your own doubt to the children they will pick up on it and it will make things worse.

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:12

Definitely think you should do this

but

definitely think you should wait. There really is no hurry, except in your head.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:13

emkana - my DS1 did that to me (with very similar conversation too - except it was daddy that wouldn't know x, y z - apparently) when I went away for a few days to see my Granddad just before he passed away

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 13:15

That is good FAQ. I dont read blogs. I find them tedious and self gratifying. I go by what is on the thread. Hence I asked the op a question. Thank you for replying on her behalf.

I actually find it really sad that you are so keen to get away from your role as mum and your kids.

Should you maybe (either now or when you come back) put some effort into turning your life around and make it more pleasureable overall? Live somewhere you can have such little challenges with your children daily?

My neighbours son learnt downhill (slalom) skiing aged 2. My 6 year old is currently learning, life can be full of adventure even if you have kids. We are getting a skiing trailer for our 3 year old for long cross country trips in the mountains at the weekends.

DO SOMETHING WORTHWILE with your family, and try and enjoy your kids.

OrmIrian · 26/02/2009 13:15

"If you are the type of person who would not leave the DC with Granny to have a weekend away with your DH/DP then you are going to find the OP's plan unreasonable"

Well now I wouldn't do that.

But I might, if I had the chance, do what the OP is doing. Because it was purely for me. And as a mother that is one thing that is discouraged.

Bink · 26/02/2009 13:16

I think the nanny bit is the only real issue, but with proper management it needn't be a problem ... but proper management means, I think, getting the children used to & fond of whoever the nanny will be almost as if the two things weren't connected - so that there's as little risk as possible that they associate being looked after by her with your total absence. How long have you got before you go? If you've got a good few months, and you need cover for your training etc., then get it all working right now. If you don't have that time, then postpone until you do.

Otherwise - just to say - a few years ago, dh went off by himself for a nearly two-month world tour, with my complete blessing. I work full-time, so am very much in the position your dh would be - but we have, and have always had, nannies that our children adore and feel completely secure with (and, as I said above, would not connect with daddy's absence).

It was fine, and more than fine, dh being away - he sent us emails and texts and we kept a chart up in the kitchen "Tracking Daddy Round the World" to see where he was any day. I'd be perfectly happy for him to do it again, too.

kayzr · 26/02/2009 13:16

Go for it!!!!

I so would!

Sod all this you might die rubbish. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow taking your boys to nursery and school but I bet you'll still take them.

Nabster · 26/02/2009 13:18

I think when you become a parent you make a choice and I think you have to accept for a long time that they have to come first.

A choice my mother made when I was under is still with me today.

Do what you want but don't get annoyed if people tell you honestly what they think.

I think you are being selfish and are definitely being unreasonable, I would feel the same if you were the Dad.

chocolatedot · 26/02/2009 13:20

Justabout and sassy, you've hit the nail on the head. I get more satisfaction and fulfillment from looking after my family than from anything else I've ever done in my life (I won't bore you with my CV but I've travelled the world, had a demanding career and climbed various mountains etc).

Whilst my children are small, I have no need to go off and do some sort of challenge and certainly feel I have nothing to prove to anybody.

kayzr · 26/02/2009 13:21

Also I saw the clippers come into Liverpool last year and plenty of women were getting of the boats and greeting their children who they hadn't seen in weeks.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:22

just to put the "time" issue into perspective - 18yrs is 936 weeks, taking 5 weeks out of that to do something for herself is 0.005% of the time.

And those that say she should put herself first - would you never do anything for yourself? How many of you have ever had a day out/weekend away without the children because YOU want to?

I'm sure some people who have regular days/weekends away must rack up a lot more time away from their children than 5 weeks