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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/02/2009 13:23

I would expect "sinkingfast" to disagree with you though, to be fair

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:23

PMSL BitOfFun

orangehead · 26/02/2009 13:25

But what is 5 weeks to 3 year old?

Quattrocento · 26/02/2009 13:26

Go and do it

Please can I come and crew?

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:26

lol

Nabster · 26/02/2009 13:27

I missed out the 2

When I was under 2.....

Orangesarenottheonlyfruit · 26/02/2009 13:27

YANBU - do it and have fun. Life is for living and gosh, won't they be proud!

Dophus · 26/02/2009 13:29

Do it Do it

Both DH and I recently left our 2 children (3.8 and 15m) at the time to climb Kilimanjaro and recover in Zanzibar for our honeymoon.

Apparently the elder only asked for us when he was in trouble. They spent a week with each grandma and a few days with their godmother. They were spoilt rotten and had a great time.

I have no regrets as all. The eldest understood we were away and were coming back. He was well prepared. I guess the younger didn't know if we were ever coming back. Did he suffer? Maybe but there was no outward appearance of this.

duchesse · 26/02/2009 13:30

GO FOR IT! The children will be sooooo proud of you later, even if they do miss you a little during the thing itself. Presumably you will be able to keep in touch with them while you're underway. If you don't do this you will ALWAYS regret it. Your mother will get over it...

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:30

If she waits 3 years, they'll be 6 and 8. There's a huge difference in understanding between a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I really do think YABU in being so desperate to do it now and I do think as a parent you do have to question how your actions are going to affect your children - that's part of the deal IMO. Doesn't mean you can't do stuff for yourself, of course it doesn't, but waiting 3 years really isn't going to kill her, is it?

duchesse · 26/02/2009 13:32

PS: I went away for 6 weeks when mine were 6, 4 and 2. They kind of missed me (but were looked after by an aunt/grandmother/father collective, but took next to no time to get over it when I got back.

GColdtimer · 26/02/2009 13:34

YABU

I agree with sassybeast and MP (and probably lots of others who have said the same thing).

There will be time to embark on such adventures when they are old enough to understand where you have gone and why and actually get excited about it on your behalf- and that doesn't have to be when you are 60 - what is wrong with 5 years time when they are 8 and 10.

You are going to leave them in the care of someone they hardly know, seeing their other parent fleetingly at bedtime. I don't think this is very fair on them.

There is nothing wrong with wanting some "me time" but does it have to be so drastic?

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:36

I just think there's room for compromise - what's right for the OP doesn't sound right for her kids right now. And Duchesse, even though your youngest was two, your eldest was 6 and therefore more able to understand what was going on (and pass it on to the others). Plus they were being looked after by a collection of well known and trusted relations - a bit different.

jujumaman · 26/02/2009 13:37

TBH, OP you have made up your mind

I think you only posted on aibu to raise awareness and get some sponsorship. It's clear from the polarised responses you either fall into the go for it category or the I couldn't leave my dcs and that's a mindset which is pretty hard to change.I can't see you changing your mind whatever anyone tells you. Go for it and enjoy

MrsMattie · 26/02/2009 13:38

Go for it. If you were a bloke nobody would even bother questioning you. Just do it. Sounds amazing and your kids will grow up to be extremely proud of you.

GColdtimer · 26/02/2009 13:39

"If you are the type of person who would not leave the DC with Granny to have a weekend away with your DH/DP then you are going to find the OP's plan unreasonable." mmelindt

Why would you surmise that. I do go away and leave DD with her granny for a weekend but I don't think this is reasonable. A weekend of being spoilt by grandma is completely different to 5 weeks without your mum and a virtual stranger.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:40

and what if there is no opportunity in 5/10yrs time?

Even presuming that each yacht has a complete new crew for each leg of the race (unlikely - there will be many I'm sure who will sign up for more than one leg, or even the whole race) - that's just over 1000 places available each year.

I'd bet my last £ that there are substantially more people than that who apply for a place each year.

And even if she did get offered a place what's to say that in 5/10yrs time she's going to pass the compulsory medical to allow her to do it?

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:40

Oh very astute jujumaman.

Squiffy · 26/02/2009 13:41

I am all for doing your own thing and I find babies a bit boring and am a career mum and all that.

however I think you are being very very selfish. And I say that as someone who buggered off on a round the world trip when my DS was 12 mths old.

When they are babies they won't remember it and won't suffer. When they are 6 or older you can explain it, they can follow your adventure from home, skype you and be a 'part' of it, and they won't suffer.

Between 2-ish and 5-ish though they won't understand and will miss you dreadfully. It is all well fulfilling your own needs, but you not when you are causing pain to your kids.

Your trip can wait. Stop being selfish.

MmeLindt · 26/02/2009 13:42

At 6 and 8yo there are likely to be more issues with school etc that are not so important when the children are 3 and 5yo. The 3yo does not yet understand the concept of time passing so will be less fussed anyway.

BoffinMum · 26/02/2009 13:42

My dad went off for a month when we were little on an overseas work exchange.

It didn't bother us at all (in fact I hardly remember missing him! ) and he made some good friends who are still in touch with the family over three decades later, sort of honorary uncle and aunt. I remember the present he brought me when he came back, an oversized pink alarm clock which I thought was brilliant.

Five weeks isn't very long and the kids will easily survive, and may even prosper, in your absence.

georgimama · 26/02/2009 13:42

I wouldn't do it, not because of the five week absence (which I think the average 3 and 5 year old could cope with) but because of the risk, frankly, that you could be killed. I am aware that I could be killed crossing the road to my office, but that sounds unnecessarily risky for a mother of two young chldren.

dittany · 26/02/2009 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 26/02/2009 13:43

sinking- actually my 6 yr old was the worst about it. The 2 yr old was much better, and the 4 yr old was fine too.

We are kidding ourselves if we think our children are utterly without understanding and resources at these ages. Also I think that on the whole Britain is obsessed with personal safety and avoiding any kind of danger whatsoever- this is evident in some of the responses to this thread. There is danger in everything- probably quite a lot more inherent in the daily school run than taking part in an activity for which one has received extensive training.

BoffinMum · 26/02/2009 13:45

She'd be going it some to kill herself doing this, IMO.

It's more dangerous driving on a motorway.

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