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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
beforesunrise · 27/02/2009 10:10

ok good tip... coming over to little italy now!

GColdtimer · 27/02/2009 10:17

OP (if you are still here), out of interest, have you ever left your DCs for a long period of time before. Are you prepared for how you might feel being away from them for so long? I was in hospital for a week over christmas because I had an accident and missed DD dreadfully, even though I saw her most days. Having had that experience, I could never choose to be away from her for longer than a few days.

And as for the effect on her, DH was off work anyway so he was her sole carer and she coped really well - they are adaptable. However, if she had been left in the care of someone she didn't know very well, I know she would have been unhappy. As it was she asked for me every bedtime, in the night and constantly asked when I was coming home. Knowing that she missed me and she didn't really understand why I couldn't be there for her means I just don't think long periods of time away from her would be right. But I only KNOW that because I did leave her, albeit unwillingly.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/02/2009 10:25

I am quite sure the op she will miss her children dreadfully. all of us we will miss our children when they go to uni or gap year or get married etc. my dh misses his children everyday when he is at work. or when we go abroad for weeks without him. should he stop us? part of life. maybe after this the op will not feel like leaving her children ever again and won;t have such dreams. but now she does and she will experience whatever she must.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/02/2009 10:27

twofalls I didn't mean to be stroppy with you btw, I'm just rushed and pms. sorry in advance.

GColdtimer · 27/02/2009 10:34

don't worry, no offence taken .

GColdtimer · 27/02/2009 10:36

but I wasn't just talking about missing dd. The second part of my post was about the effect it had on DD which would be the main reason why I wouldn't do something like this. Doesn't mean to say I am right though.

purpleduck · 27/02/2009 10:37

Haven't read whole post..

I think its amazing, particularly if you back this up with mini adventures with the family, as someone said, inspirational role model etc

BUT, I probably would wait until they the 3 year old was a tiny bit older so that she could better understand why you are gone.
That's just me, but on the whole, I do think its pretty cool!!
Good Luck

QuintessentialShadows · 27/02/2009 10:39

"Just want to say that I had a long chat with DH tonight and hadn't even realised that he's already spoken to his work and has already booked off two weeks when I'm away (that's all he has left) and has said he'll mainly be working from home/shorter hours. Plus his sister might be able to come help out and his mum who is 80 would love to come and stay but she would merely be there as lovely grandma, rather than doing anything practical. "

OP
I am really relieved to see this. Thanks goodness your dh is going to support you on a more practical level, and that family is rallying around.

In that case: GO FOR IT!

Good Luck.

OrmIrian · 27/02/2009 11:08

Good news OP.

SuperMario · 27/02/2009 11:09

I think go.

Living in a caravan In france with crying children and a redundant husband would MAKE me depressed tbh.

jessddibs · 27/02/2009 11:25

I think that only you know the answer to your question.

I personally couldn't leave my children for that amount of time, but It's everyone to their own. So you must think long and hard about what is best for you. If you do take the challenge, it will be an amazing story to have to tell your children/grandchildren and I am sure they will be hugely proud of you.... even if they do miss you like crazy for 5 weeks! Although I think the scale of this will depend on your childcare while you are away..

Good luck!.x.

Blu · 27/02/2009 12:20

I think it's great that the grandma can / will come, and that the father is manouvering to spend as much time at home as possible. I agree with Xenia re the change factor.

I honestly don't think children would be permanently damaged, bitter and resentful over 5 weeks! Ongoing lack of security, inconsistency, rage, depression or disaffection from a parent would do far more damage, imo, than 5 weeks absence by a loving attentive parent who has instilled a sense of security in her children. I have been away for work a couple of times, DS has missed me, sure, but a more stable, secure, trusting child you could not wish to encounter.

Blu · 27/02/2009 12:21

I am aghast that anyone conducts an affair while not showering for 5 weeks....

FAQinglovely · 27/02/2009 12:26

lol blu - perhaps it's different if neither party has showered

JodieO · 27/02/2009 12:36

I wouldn't do it. I don't find it amazing, wonderful or exciting at all and I have no desire to sail any ocean tbh and I'm also not jealous in the slightest. I could care less what other people do but you asked for opinions and there's mine.

I'd say the same if it were a man asking. You'll have plenty more chances to do it when the children are older and the fact that you're trying to justify palming them off with a new nanny is laughable tbh. You shouldn't need anyone else to make you feel better about leaving your 3 and 5 year old children with someone they don't know for 5 weeks but hey, enjoy your "once in a lifetime" "experience". I wouldn't bank on them being proud when they're older either as some have suggested, you may find they actually resent you for it once they understand how you left them. All my opinion but you asked so...

Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 13:11

So, is the OP going then? Oh I do hope so! I think it's wonderful that mothers are now stepping out of the outdated notion that their lives end once their children's begin. It wasn't that long ago that women were expected to give up their jobs when they got married and become housewives for the rest of their lives.

This opportunity may not come around for her again and then she'll have to live with the destructive emotion that is regret. Go for it and let us know how you get on!

emkana · 27/02/2009 13:13

What I really don't like is the implication that life is only happening away from our children. I am a SAHM and have been for years but I don't feel I have given up life or that I am losing out or making a sacrifice, this is the life that I love love love and I'm not missing out on anything.

TheShipsCat · 27/02/2009 13:18

"this is the life that I love love love"

That's great, but it's not the same for everyone.

emkana · 27/02/2009 13:21

Fair enough, but there is a tendency I feel to see a life that revolves around being at home as boring and second-rate.

Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 13:23

Ah but emkana, what we really don't want is for her to not go and then be regretful. You have no regrets, you made all the right choices for you and your family and you feel very happy and fulfilled with those choices, right?

When I made my decision to bugger off to France I didn't feel fulfilled, I felt as though motherhood had been thrust upon me before I was ready, I was resentful towards dh for settling so easily into this existence of mortgage, car, job, family - well he would, he'd done all his travelling when he was younger, I'd never had that chance. I still had my dreams. I know we took the children with us, but if I had the same opportunity as the OP (ok, not sailing but summat else) I would do the same.

Everyone makes choices in life and you need to be happy with those choices. Sailing has been the OP's life even before she had kids, she has always sailed - her blog says her dad got her into it. Who knows, perhaps he went off sailing for weeks at a time too. This once in a lifetime opportunity has come up for her, it may not be there in a few years time. She shouldn't give up the life she has just because she has children.

My dh is spending a week climbing Mont Blanc in the summer, sure it's dangerous and he's never done it before, but he works with diggers and could equally be killed doing something as mundane as digging a trench. This adventure gives him something to aim for, it makes those mundane days digging seem not so bad, it fills him with joy and enthusiasm and he passes that onto the kids, so they get involved and find out where it is. They will get caught up in the excitement of it all.

This is the life she already had, she is a sailor, why should she give that up?

TheShipsCat · 27/02/2009 13:24

That's probably true, but I think for some people it really does feel like that after a while.

emkana · 27/02/2009 13:26

rhubarb, I see your point. Personally I feel that children this young need consistency of care, but that's just me.

Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 13:30

They need security, yes. But changes happen in life. How do the armed forces cope? Some changes you make yourself but other changes are forced upon us.

From my experience, children who are subjected to change are much more adaptable and really don't suffer at all.

5 weeks is not a huge amount of time. It's a drop in the ocean really (pardon the pun).

TheShipsCat · 27/02/2009 13:31

To be fair, the dcs are getting consistent care - they are at home, with their dad and with a nanny they will be familiar with, and their granny.

emkana · 27/02/2009 13:34

You don't know in advance though how the individual child is going to react.

I left my children for a few days to go to my dad's funeral, their dad looked after them, but ds was extremely clingy for weeks and weeks afterwards and I very much regretted leaving him.