to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

[joshandjamie]

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

I agree with twofalls post - I think they're too young to get anything out of this themselves. So don't think "they will be proud" and all that.

this is something for YOU not them. I think there's nothing inherently wrong with a mum doing things for herself but I do think we should be honest with ourselves.

For the kids, this will be a wrench, time without mum. Something for them to cope with. However they will clearly be well cared for and surely the chances of long term effects will be very small as they are secure in their own home with their dad and family around.

So, you want to do this for you. You assess the risks, decide whether you are happy to accept them, and go if you want to! And have a wonderful experience, hopefully. But don't dress it up in any way that it is for the kids too! IMVHO all it will be to them at this age, is a wrench and an unwelcome separation.

I do personally think this would be better saved for when their early years are past.

What if this opportunity never comes round again?

Emkana - but you were going to a funeral so is it possible that your dc picked up on the stressful and sad vibes? Perhaps he'd heard discussion of the funeral and thoughts of death plagued his mind?

And of course the children won't be proud now, they're far too young, but when they are older and see what their mother has achieved, I think they will. Look at Edmund Hilary, how much do you think he was involved in his children's early years? Yet his son followed in his dad's footsteps, there were no resentments there. In fact, if one parent has a huge enthusiasm for something, it does tend to rub off onto the children and you usually find that one or more of them end up with the same enthusiasms.

These things happen all the time though Rhubabrb and a woman as clearly articulate and organised as the op is going to be able to plan for a few years time!

Childhood is more than just 3 and 5 - plenty of time to instil enthusiasm, show them that parents can acheive things. Plenty of time. That's what I mean about the OP doing it for HER. This is nothing to do with the kids. Which again, I don't think is a bad thing; but I think it's the TRUTH

Of course she's doing it for her! I didn't bugger off to France because I thought it was in the kids best interests, I went for purely selfish reasons of my own.

Edmund Hilary didn't climb Mount Everest for his kids either, he did it for him. My dh isn't climbing Mont Blanc for the good of the country, he's doing it for him. Most adventures are about the people doing them.

I still think it's a wonderful opportunity and one thing you should teach your kids is never to pass a good opportunity when it comes your way, because you never know where it might lead. And life is for living!

By Blu on Fri 27-Feb-09 12:21:16
I am aghast that anyone conducts an affair while not showering for 5 weeks....

Lightweights!

My friend spent 6 months with a team of glaciologists on Svalbard, in a tent, no showers, not hot water, etc.

Sexual relations were had between various team members....

We'll agree to agree then Rhubarb!

It's just that I think when you choose to have children, for their very earliest years, I do think our lives are for living THEIR lives.

un-pc and unfashionable and all that but IMVH and personal opinion that is one of the major responsibilities we choose to take on.

It's all that sweat and raw bodily odours! I prefer dh's own smell to deodorant I must admit.

well said again Rhubarb.

And Emkana, everyone has different hopes/dreams/ambitions for life.

OK yes my mum did do a little travelling when she was younger, but not vast amount. She adored being a SAHM, she had no unfillfed dreams or ambitions. She was extremely happy in life that she took when she moved back to the UK and because a "housewife".

Some people do have dreams and ambitions that lead them furrther afiedl, even when they're married - I was doing some research for a thread the other day (the one about the Kayaker who lost his life trying to Kayak from Australia to New Zealand) and found that there were several great female explorers who chose to explorer and travel when they were mothers - and even some while pg!!

(I've copied and pasted from the thread rather than retype it all again)

"Elisabeth Casteret who along with her husband was a caver, she had to (apparently) stop while pg each time - and sadly died in childbirth having her 5th child.

Or how about Josephine Diebitsch Peary who in 1893 gave birth to the first non-Inuit baby in the Artic while exploring with her husband.

Jane Goodall who continued her work with Chimpanzees even after her son's birth

I rather like what Junko Tabei (first woman to reach the top of Everest in 1975) is reported to have said when it was said that she would have been better off at home with her husband and children

" ?Scaling Mount Everest was easy compared to overcoming discrimination in Japan.?"

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. It's part of what makes up the wonderful fabric of life, that we're all different - life would be so incredibly boring if we all thought and acted the same. I for one, while having no qualms about seizing an opportunity similar to the OP's, that I've dreamt of for years even when my children are still young could never bring myself to do any exploring while pg - and especially not give birth in the Artic!!

Yeah but come on, they are bloody boring at those ages aren't they?

UANBI. They will be all the better for having a happy mother that fulfilled a life time ambition. And when they are OLDER, they will be sooo proud of you! You and your kids (and the rest of your family for that matter!) can learn a lot from this experience. Some mothers love being with their kids all the time, others don't. I don't think anyone can categorically state that one is better than the other: it is different situation and it depends on so many other things. But I feel this is not the point here this discussion; the point here is: would it be terrible for the kids to be without their mum for 5 weeks? Should a mother be allowed fulfill her other ambitions? I personally don't thing kids will be permanently damaged with a mother is away for 5 weeks and as for me, I think a happy mother is a better mother. Go for it, follow your dreams and see what the world looks like being away from your kids. Life after this adventure might turn out to be very different...

OP, have now read all the posts, and have tried to look at this from every angle possible. I really have. And have come to the conclusion that people must just be so totally different sometimes as to not remotely begin to understand each other's actions. Fair enough; that's life. You and your mother will have to live with each other's totally opposing views on this one.

I must say if I was going to leave Ds for 5 weeks I would do something more comfortable and with better views than sea from horizon to horizon for all but the first and last days!

that's where I think people really are different

Tis a long long thread, and I have read it all, but I might have missed something .. but on a practical-emotional level - ie, finding a way for you & your mum to understand each other - now that your MIL (despite being 80) is effectively putting her support-weight behind this, would it be helpful for you to talk to her (or, indeed, if they get on, to your mum) about it all?

And just one final thing that may or may have been said (again sorry if I've missed) - you are your mum's beloved child, so she may be just expressing her own worry & concern about you - & sort of projecting it onto your childcare arrangements. In which case, she probably is allowed to be as unreasonable as anything, because she loves you. Did she have problems when your dad went off sailing? Maybe it's bringing things back.

At first my reaction was how could you leave them for so long, but then I remembered that exH went away for nearer to 3 months when kids were younger, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I encouraged him to go.

I think you can make this a positive thing for the kids with reports on where you are and how it is going, they can tack you on a giant map in their room, and why shouldn't your DH manage with the help of a nanny. You have his support so do it.

This afternoon when I out I remembered that my father went away for six weeks when I was 2 on a work trip to North America, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand - and in those days (1960s) that was one big trip as opposed to several short ones as it would be nowadays.

My mother told me that I missed him dreadfully - and gave him hell on his return to pay him back for being away for so long.

Bink
That is a good point. The OP's mum is likely worried about her and could be transferring her angst into worry about the childcare arrangements.

Rhubarb
Great posts again. I agree that doing this kind of adventure is not for anyone else, but that does not mean that others cannot benefit from it.
[hijack] I will wave in the general direction of your DH in the summer, we are only an hour from Montblanc. We were there on Wednesday in fact. Have a look at the photos on my profile [end hijack]

i forgot when i posted on this thread yesterday - i catually left mine for 6 weeks and 4 weeks when i just had one child and he was coming up to two. i was away on tour with a show. i got offered loads of money to do it, we had no money, and it was a great oppurtunity, so i did it. and if i am ansoultely honest, having a baby hit my like a ton of bricks, and having one with a man who felt he deserved a medal on the very rare occassions he lifted a finger to help me, i needed a break, some time on my own to have a bit of fun. i was so sad for the first week, i felt my heart was breaking i missed him so much. And then I got used to it, got on with it, made the most of it, had a ball, and had a really great life experience. He must have wondered where I had gone, but i came back, and he is now 9 and showing no obvious signs of damage from my excursion, plus the money i made enabled us to get our first flat, so he is probbaly also quite grateful for not being homeles!
I reiterate what I said yestreday - go for it!!

pscmum great post.

YANBU Do it! You are leaving your DC with their father and a trained nanny, not on their own with a stack of frozen pizzas and instructions for the microwave. This will be something your children will be immensely proud of you for doing - going forward, it will give them a sense of adventure as well!