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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
Original poster
joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 22:49

Just want to say that I had a long chat with DH tonight and hadn't even realised that he's already spoken to his work and has already booked off two weeks when I'm away (that's all he has left) and has said he'll mainly be working from home/shorter hours. Plus his sister might be able to come help out and his mum who is 80 would love to come and stay but she would merely be there as lovely grandma, rather than doing anything practical.

So no, the nanny won't have sole responsibility. I can't tell you how supportive my husband is being of this. He is wonderful.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 26/02/2009 22:52

Can't resist adding that I had four weeks away in 2007 for my own private idaho. Don't want to say what it was as would inevitably out myself. It was fantastic and empowering and a wonderful thing to do. The DCs were happy and sort of proud of me, tracking progress on the internet and writing stories and stuff. You'll love it. I'm really glad you're going.

MillyR · 26/02/2009 22:54

That all sounds great. You should go and have a great time. Don't think of it as a once in a lifetime thing; think of it as the first of many exciting challenges that you can do over the years to come.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 22:55

ooooo -

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 26/02/2009 22:57

You have a wonderful husband, but then you seem a wonderful person. I will follow your adventure now. I cannot say it enough. well done! Your children will be fine.

thepuddingchef · 26/02/2009 23:01

I have read about half the replies....eyes getting a bit fuzzed, but I just wanted to add my experience of these sailing experiences. I did quite a few trips, races etc the big one I did was going from antigua to the uk which took 3 weeks sailing, and one week preparing in the sun. The trip itself was fun and exciting 50% of the time, the other 50% was boring as hell, tough, wet, and to be honest quite shit.You have a lot of time to think, which can be very tough if your missing anyone left at home, esp children. If your prepared to deal with that emotional torment........bon voyage!

Judy1234 · 26/02/2009 23:02

I think I was saying if the people they are bonded with are there it's fine. In this case the father must use some annual leave and be home or else they need to get to know a nanny for a few months in advance. It's changes that children don't like.

elastamum · 26/02/2009 23:16

Its up to you...

My soon to be ex did the last race. We got the odd e mail, no webcam and no phone calls as he was in the southern ocean. He was wet cold and some times it was pretty scary. One boat lost a man overboard. they got him back, which is pretty unusual, he is lucky to be alive,especially as he fell out of his lifejacket in the dark!

This was all part of my h's big mid life crisis, he had an affair with a girl he met on one of the boats he trained on, then another which ended our marriage. All the time he ws off doing his big trip I worked my arse off looking after the kids and running our business.

Now as a single parent I dont get much time for big life challenges as I work full time to support us all and my challenge is to just keep it all going and do the best for my kids. I am saving my wanderlust until they are all grown up

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 23:19

elastamum - since when being a single mum stop someone from wanting to follow a dream???

Damn - there's always ways round these things even if you don't have a DP/DH!

junkcollector · 26/02/2009 23:33

Haven't read everyone else. They won't remember the time you were away, but will know what an amazing, inspiring and go getting mother they have. Do it and keep a diary for them along he way.

cannydoit · 27/02/2009 02:49

children are adaptable and can cope with chnge quite well. i went away fro 3 weks last yr, had huge reservations about leaving my kids but they where fine spke to them offten and was happy and they where happy. chance of a life time grab it with both hands and enjoy.

drinkmoretea · 27/02/2009 07:07

YANBU - Go for it, you will love it and it is only 5 weeks fgs!!

My husband has done the race and I wasn't worried at all, loads of pre race training, excellent professional skippers.

EM - Yes one man went overboard but they got him back extremely quickly, and it is not unusual to be able to rescue a 'man' overboard, they have plenty of drills during training and Tbh if he had his life jacket on properly then he wouldn't have 'fallen' out of it.

Plenty of people have affairs, just because they're on a boat doesn't make it more likely if they are going to have an affair they'll have one wherever they are.

J&J - go for it, as others have said nobody would be talking about it like this if it was a man / father. They can track you racing and my kids thought that was great. I wish you all the best xx

LynetteScavo · 27/02/2009 07:14

For once I whole heartedly agree with Xenia.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/02/2009 07:30

I wouldn't do it, you are a mother and putting yourself in danger and buggering off around the world is not what mothers do. Sorry, if this goes against the "sisterhood" but i would say the same thing to a man. As parents are responsibilities lay with our children - when they are older and able to understand why they have been left with a nanny while mum goes off around the world, that is the time to go. They are too young just now.

LucyEllensmummy · 27/02/2009 07:34

right, thats it, im not posting ANY more!! Im losing my ability to be able to construct a sentence! "are responsibilities" my arse!

spicemonster · 27/02/2009 07:42

Yes your children will miss you but your DH will be around. My parents went away twice for 2 week period when I was a kid and I remember missing them loads but when my mum went on her own, we loved it! We made my mum diaries and my dad spoiled us rotten

Go - if you don't, you'll always regret it

GColdtimer · 27/02/2009 08:12

Rhubarb, I agree with your post especially:

"It's good for your children to see you as something more than just a mum, to see you as a person capable of great things, as an individual in your own right."

However, at 3 and 5 all they will see is that there mum has gone off and left them. Surely they don't have the capacity to be proud.

StayFrosty · 27/02/2009 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 27/02/2009 09:47

" but my mom did give up her life when I was born and I'm left with few memories of her ever smiling. My dad never allowed her to work after I was born"

Ditto expat. And my god wasn't she bitter? She has a pretty sad childhood one way and another but as soon as she started to build any sort of adult life she met my dad and got married. She spent her life feeling second-best, unimportant, lacking in self-confidence. And even in her 70s it's still there.

I never never want to be like that with my DC. I never want to regret having my beautiful children.

Sassybeast · 27/02/2009 09:55

I disagree with whoever said to keep a diary to show them when they are older. It's WHEN they are older and becoming stroppy teenagers that the realistion that there mine disappeared off on her great adventures, leaving them behind that the effects of this trip will become apparent. I know the OP only wants validation for her choice so I know this is a pointless post but I'm amazed at how short sighted people are being about the possible effects this will have on those poor kids.

beforesunrise · 27/02/2009 10:02

i don't really have the heart to read the whole thread- but i hope that everyone said to GO FOR IT!!!!

StayFrosty · 27/02/2009 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 27/02/2009 10:04

beforesunrise - they didn't!

FAQinglovely · 27/02/2009 10:06

I resented my mum as a teenager because she started going out to work - she claimed she didn't want to but "had" to - it was only as I grew up and faced the same situation (but only my DS's were younger than my DB and I were) where I had to go out to work to keep a roof over our heads that I realised she'd only done what was best for us as a family

I also resented my dad for not letting me wear trousers until i was a teenager (still do a little now as it's given me a life long "thing" about wearing skirts and dresses as I hated them so much)

So yes - children will find anything to be bitter and resentful about.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 27/02/2009 10:09

beforesunrise if you want to avoid your blood boiling over DO NOT read the thread...