to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

[joshandjamie]

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

Don't post in AIBU if you don't want people to disagree with you.

Still amazed at the identical reasons not to go being exactly the same as arguments for women not to go out to work a generation or so ago.

And that only one other person seems to have noticed.

It's 5 weeks. The op's DH will be there morning night and evening and working from home as much as poss and weekends. It's not like she's putting the DC into a cattery for 5 weeks.

tumtumtetum thank god for some healthy POV!

I would.
Well, actually I wouldn't do this because I'd be too scared, but something that meant as much to me as this does to you? Yes I would.

No way on earth I would do it. Dh had to leave us for 5 weeks (no choice) when dd was 3 and ds was 10 and the 10 year old understood but after a few weeks for dd it was as if he'd died and no longer existed.
Never, ever.

Xenia! Your work is needed on a thread in AIBU - "AIBU to think nurseries should be banned". Please come and post there.

I went away last year and will go away for work every year for about 5-6 weeks aborad each summer plus additional trips in spring. My situation is a bit different as my children are 7 and 10, and my childcare will be a combination of after school club, my parents and my husband. But I don't need to go; I could do a different job.

I have never even considered it to be an issue; until reading this thread it didn't occur to me that anyone else would consider it negatively. I believe my children are very happy and we are very close.

I think it sets a positive example for my daughter and will encourage her to marry someone who is able to take some responsibility for childcare rather than leaving it all to her. Even men married to a SAHM should be taking some responsibility for childcare, for the benefit of their wife and children, and for the man's own fulfillment.

Think how proud your kids will be of you when they are older and see what you achieved!

Go! Go! Go!

Haven't read the entire thread (sorry). To answer OP: obviously we are all different blah blah. Yes, I can understand wanting to do something tantalisingly different. Personally, I couldn't leave my children this young for 5 weeks. And it's such a long time to a child! From what I have read of your posts on this thread (only all the earlier stuff), one thing really struck me - that you said something along the lines of 'it will just be the nanny instead of me' (as in - that's the only difference). That's a major difference! Also had a look at your blog, and read the conversation with your 5 yr old after the doc's visit. Yikes! If you think it's a challenge for you... imagine the 'challenge' for the children!!! Also, that you told him that the nanny would be solely there to play with the children. What about discipline while they are with her?
I don't want to be harsh on you, I really do understand the need to do 'other things'. But do you think that sometimes we get this idea that 'having it all/doing it all' is the same as 'having/doing it all at the same time'. It isn't! If you're fit and healthy, you have a lifetime to 'have it all/do it all'. There's no rush.

I think you're confusing the ishoos. It's not about going away to work. It's about going away to have fun. It's not about a Mum going away. Mum or Dad - it makes no difference. It's about leaving two young children from after school to bedtme every day with a brand new nanny.
If the OP was going off for 5 weeks, but her DH was going to be around to do the school run every day (as we presucme the OP does) - that wouldn't be so bad. It's NOT about working mums and it's NOT about gender.

do it, do it, do it. I am very . you'll come back refreshed and re-inspired which will be good for all of you

perhaps I have the only children who have ever said "I don't want you to go" at even the smallest thing.............

and yeah of course she's going to be spending the entire 5 weeks lying on the deck with a novel and pina coloda

I should add that I would make sure the DCs are well used to the nanny before you go, do have her around for a few weeks first. Maybe they could get involved in Mummy's adventure with webcams, or similar?

ooo you know thinking about it - the youngest will be 4 when you go won't they?

That age you can do all sorts of fun things with them to make the time pass.

Charts to mark off the days.

A map - and stickers on to where mummy is each day/couple of days (there's usually race updates on the race website I believe?)

Then the last week can be spent planning a fabulous "Well done and welcome home mummy" party

I agree with xenia get your dh to use up some annual leave so they have a parent at home for a chunk of the time (although it may work out better to do half days or something 3 times a week say), & then go off and do your stuff.

Have you left them before for any periods? DS2 would be find if I left him for 5 weeks, would probably barely notice, ds1 a bit more concerned, and ds3 would be distraught. So it depends on your children really as well. Of you have ds2's you'll be fine!

MillyR - I agree 100% with the six points you list in your post. The OP should go on her trip...just because she has kids does not mean that HER life is over, or that she's a bad mom unless she's with her kids 24/7.

I respect the people who also say they would not go as that is their choice.

BonsoirAnna, it's so nice that you have psychic powers to know what the OP's kids will think of their mother in the future. I hope your kids are happy that you sacrificed everything once you became a mom and that at that point you were happy with the belief that your life didn't matter anymore unless you were in the mom role.

I don't have psychic powers, but my mom did give up her life when I was born and I'm left with few memories of her ever smiling. My dad never allowed her to work after I was born and she loved sport, but of course was not allowed to do that either. Ultimately the choice was hers and she never stood up to my father. He was a nice guy, but she never spoke up, so he really never know how unhappy she was. I don't want my DD to know I gave up my life because of her...I've climbed lots of mountains and she's proud of it and wants to do it with me when she's older.

Everybody is entited to their opinions, but how dare they judge others who make different decisions.

Hmm... I'm in two minds about it.

I can see how you'd want to do something like that (my own dream adventure would be to ride the Camino de Santiago from Canterbury following the pilgrim trail).

But I would not want to leave DD (4) for 5 weeks to do it (the Camino takes about 7-8). One week, maybe even two, but not for that long.

Logically I know it's not forever, but then neither is six years, by which time she'll be old enough to come with me/not be so upset about my absence - DH is away on business this week and she minds horribly when he's not there for bath/bedtime, I'm not saying she'd mind more over my absence (we do about the same amount of parenting) but she would mind, and I would mind that she minded, if that makes any sense at all? And over an extended period of time it would be worse.

my mum did give up everything and she did smile and loved being with us. and yet I know she wishes she had been more selfish. and so do I. I wish even now that my mum would live a bit for herself rather than for us.

also not everybody goes to work entirely for financial reasons. some work because they enjoy it. because it is fun as well. what about those mum who are singers, artist, etc??

no you are being a brilliant inspirational role model - go for it!

ps - if you were a man, you probably wouldn't even need to ask this question!

Aaaaaand the conversation has moved on LOADS since I typed that lot out...

I've had a really good look at the clipper website now and I am sick with envy.
Don't go, JoshandJamie, I'll go instead.

I agree with MillyR and I'm sure your mum is worried about your DCs. No one likes to think of kids possibly being upset or distressed. Maybe your mum (or other family/friends the kids know) could help out a bit?

Agree with others that maybe your DH could try to finish early a few days a week.

Ultimately you know your kids, your family situation and what you need to do. It's not for me (activity more than leaving kids) but each kid and family are different.

Good luck - a friend did the BT Global Challenge and had to wear plastic (reusable) pants hmmm... that's put me off already!