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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/02/2009 15:53

Perhaps because they can't afford a buffet either...?

Personally I don't think a true friend would care.

Stretch · 18/02/2009 15:53

We 'slaved' over a buffet the night before the wedding. It was better than paying £800 for someone else to do the same thing. It took us 2 hours. Just me and DH. Just sliced up salad, meats etc.. and cling filmed it. My Nana bought it to the recption venue after the ceremony.

DaisyMooSteiner · 18/02/2009 15:53

I don't really see how the OP can downsize it any more though?! The debt thing was in response to the suggestion to put it on CC.

Why is getting married different to a birthday?!

BitOfFun · 18/02/2009 15:53

myfunnynametaken, you can hardly allude to manners though if you would ask for cash, tbh, no?

myfunnynametaken · 18/02/2009 15:54

coz you only get married once

TheFallenMadonna · 18/02/2009 15:54

Well, I'd rather my friend had a lovely day without worrying about the cost rather than fretting about my status as her guest.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 15:55

Btw apologies for the flurry of posts on my part,but this is a pet peeve of mine, I have pmt and dp is out so I can't vent to him about anything.

Tamarto · 18/02/2009 15:55

Bit stingy to complain about paying £15 for a meal instead of a present unless you usually spend less than £15 on a close friend or family member

SoupDragon · 18/02/2009 15:55

So, Stretch, you had to pay for the venue and the ingredients for the buffet..?

ProfessorCalculus · 18/02/2009 15:55

Myfunnynametaken, this is their second wedding.

traceybath · 18/02/2009 15:55

If you're going to be paying for 5 people so £75 plus drinks, i'm sure you could buy some wine/crisps etc and do a party at home if you wanted.

But hey, its your wedding and your choice and you know your friends better than we do. So if they said its fine i'm sure it is.

However don't be surprised if they still turn up with presents for you.

myfunnynametaken · 18/02/2009 15:55

BitofFun, I suggested the OP ask for cash. I wouldn't

nkf · 18/02/2009 15:55

I think weddings are a bit different to birthdays. For a start, they tend to be more lavish. They don't come round so often. And there is a tradition that the bride's family pay for it.

Even among birthdays, there are differences. For example, a Thai meal down the high street on a friend's birthday is one thing but a catered 50th in a hotel is another. I would expect to pay for one but have never been asked to contribute towards the second type.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:56

because you have a birthday every year?

and you don't have a wedding every year (usually )

wedding guests are invited to celebrate a union, it is special and some traditions should just remain IMHO

have the wedding you can afford

bratnav, congratulations btw!! and congrats on the baby!!

belgo · 18/02/2009 15:56

If I knew you well enough to know that you were genuinely hard up, (as opposed to just being bad with money), then I wouldn't mind. I'd also bring along a small gift.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 15:57

With a birthday party normally the birthday girl/guy is the guest, as it's held by someone else for them, and with a wedding the 'guests' are the guests and should be treated like so.

And a wedding generally costs more for the attendees to go to, I know this might not be the case for the OP.

bigknickersbigknockers · 18/02/2009 15:57

I think if you have said you dont want gifts and its a small gathering of your family and close friends it would be fine to ask them to pay for their meal. You get the nice wedding meal you want and guests dont have to decide what gift to buy for you. As long as its worded properly its ok.

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 15:57

They still go AnyFucker!
I think the thing is it is very small with only people who are really close to the couple who surely understand their circumstances.
I really can't see why it is better to get invited to a wedding in Barbados where you get a free meal but it costs an arm and a leg for air fares and accomodation and then get sniffy about paying £15 for a meal!
If I was getting invited to OP wedding I would assume that I didn't have to have a new outfit so it isn't as if it is much expense

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:58

The restaurant is giving everyone free champagne on arrival and some bottles of wine for the table included, does that help?

I feel dreadful I have put our friends and family in this position now

Guest list:

My parents
DPs Parents
My DSis and BIL
DPs DBro and SIL
My cousin & CIL (very close)
My Aunt & Uncle (ditto)
Best friends (a couple)

OP posts:
Stretch · 18/02/2009 15:58

£100 for the venue, Working mens club, and £100 for the food.

We could afford a bit more because we had chance to save for the wedding, but I could have easily done the buffet for less. The whole wedding in fact!!

ProfessorCalculus · 18/02/2009 15:59

Bratnav, lots of people here think it's fine, your friends think it's fine so don't worry about it and enjoy your day. Your mum might be kicking off but she'll come round. Can you offer to pay for her to shut her up?

cornflakegirl · 18/02/2009 15:59

If you've got a plan that works for you and the people you want to invite, then who cares what normal practice is?! I'm sure you can understand why your Mum thinks it's not on (and if you couldn't before, you probably can now!), but if she's the only one who has a problem with it, then she's the only one that you need to talk it through with as well.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 15:59

Could you even manage sandwiches,perhaps quiche or similar and cake at someone's home?

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:59

pisces, I don't still go

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:59

< stingypants emoticon >

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