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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 20/02/2009 10:05

I would delete the thread-I can't stop reading it!
People are now joining in who haven't bothered to read more than a few messages and have absolutely no idea what they are commenting on!! e.g Longtalljosie-if you had read the thread you would know perfectly well that her mum is not going to stump up £300-she may not even go to the wedding!!
You have the patience of a saint, bratnav, to keep repeating what has already been said lot of times-if people read it!

piscesmoon · 20/02/2009 10:09

Pacinofan-her guest list is tiny-2 friends and close family-they know her circumstances.
Perhaps OP should save up -get married on her tropical island and then all her guests can pay air fares and for a week in a hotel but the cost she is putting them to doesn't matter because they get a free meal!!
I am getting heated again-will really try and stop reading!

sayithowitis · 20/02/2009 10:41

Personally, I would not ask guests to pay for themselves. But then I wouldn't ask them to buy their own drinks either. It's just the way DH and I were brought up. If we invited somebody to our wedding/birthday etc, we paid. BUT,I do understand why you are doing it Bratnav, and in your circumstances, I would say fair enough. Certainly if it was choice between being with you on your special day or not, I would more than happily pay the £15 and I would give you a gift!

I don't think it is reasonable to expect parents to pay for weddings these days. It used to be the 'done thing' in days when young women had no income of their own and it has sort of continued. When DH and I married over 25 years ago, we paid it all ourselves. In any case, this is a second wedding fior them both so I really don't think parents should pay! If said parents want their own friends invited, they should pay that themselves, not expect bratnav to do so.

Songbird · 20/02/2009 11:23

Exactly pisces, that's why i suggested it on Wednesday afternoon!!! Bratnav just keeps having to repeat herself!

I appreciate your reasons for not deleting it bratnav, and really it should only happen when things get offensive. There should be a way of stopping a thread, without deleting it.

Original poster
bratnav · 20/02/2009 11:27

Don't tell anyone, but I can't stop reading it either

All is calm with me, I have put the tiers of my wedding cake in the oven, my dress has arrived and I love it, and we have a guardian angel, a complete stranger who has offered us a honeymoon venue

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 20/02/2009 12:03

Brilliant. Actually, I think if you add it up you have more people in agreement than anti.

Helen31 · 20/02/2009 12:39

Bratnav - am relieved to hear you are baking your own wedding cake - just don't let your mum get her mitts on it - see here

CarGirl · 20/02/2009 12:47

brat how wonderful, you really find out who your "real" friends are at times like this.

Can I come

quite happy to stump up my £15 to be part of an intimate wedding!

To think 100 years ago most people got married in their best dress, had a hand tied boquet and non of the money rip off were even considered for those who weren't middle class & above!

It's wonderful to her of weddings that are about marriages and not about parties & wasting money that people don't have.

Enjoy.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2009 18:25

"bratnav Fri 20-Feb-09 11:27:24

Don't tell anyone, but I can't stop reading it either

All is calm with me, I have put the tiers of my wedding cake in the oven, my dress has arrived and I love it, and we have a guardian angel, a complete stranger who has offered us a honeymoon venue"

fab - where are you going - or is it a secret

and have to say, why do people post on a thread that they havent read

it really pisses me off when someone posts and says i havent read all the posts but .........

ZipadiSoozi · 20/02/2009 18:31

my dsis in law had the best wedding ever, we had a weeks notice, paid for our own meals, bagpipes played for 2 hours (in background) nobody grumbled about paying for their own meal, was only £15 per head. The Angel in Grantham! lovely medieval function room, bride dressed accordingly.

Good luck!

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 20/02/2009 22:06

If there are other people you want to be there then just say to them "We're going out for a meal with my family and everyone's paying for themselves, you're welcome to join us" you're only selling them a done deal that way and not starting from scratch with inviting people you have to explain to IYSWIM.

pacinofan, you are suggesting they double their budget to pay for their close relatives who are quite willing to help out anyway they can. They have a baby on the way and have scraped back the budget as much as possible.

sundew · 20/02/2009 22:16

Bratnav - YANBU - I really can't see why other posters are upset about your idea. As it is only close family and friends I can'; see why anyone would object to paying for a meal. Its a bargain compared to the last 2 friends weddings we've been to where the meal was free but because of the location we had to have a room in the hotel - which cost considerably more. I would be happy to pay and still get a present.

We did a similar thing for DHs dads 80th birthday where we booked venue invited everyone but made it clear they would have to pay for their meal.

Everyone who wants to be at your wedding to share your special day will happily pay for the meal - if they moan are they 'special' enough for you to want them to be there?

ladymariner · 21/02/2009 15:55

pmsl at pisces, and am in complete agreement with her!! It's your day, bratnav, and it's going t be fab

(fgs, pacinofan, read the whole thread!!!)

Original poster
bratnav · 21/02/2009 16:57

shhh ladymariner, pipe down (thanks for support btw) this thread has to go away now

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 21/02/2009 17:30

wheres your honeymoon venue offered by a complete stranger?

or is it a secret?

Original poster
bratnav · 21/02/2009 17:48

Cotswolds

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 21/02/2009 17:53

lovely

have a fab time

WallOfSilence · 21/02/2009 18:00

YANBU!

It sounds fab! I would gladly pay £15 to be part of such an occasion! I would buy a gift too, but then that's me.

I was witness at my dh's uncle's wedding, it was a small intimate affair, with myself & another man as witnesses. The bride was married before & her 3 daughters (and two partners) were there too. As was my DH & dd. No-one knew they weer getting married as that's the way they wanted it & they couldn't afford a huge do.

As I said, very small & intimate, we had a lovely meal then came home & went to the local pub! When we were there myself & dh called some friends of the couple & told them the good news, by about 10pm the pub was hiving with people all offering good wishes & buying drinks all around them!!

Afterwards the friends all had a whip rpund & bought them a very special picture & a clock which they cherish.

Tclanger · 21/02/2009 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bratnav · 22/02/2009 11:00

I will post pics, definitely :-)

OP posts:
edam · 22/02/2009 11:12

bratnav - coming a bit late to this but hope you have a fantastic day! I think the way you are doing it is fine and much better than all those bridezillas who demand that people shell out hundreds of pounds on elaborate hen nights/hotels for the wedding/expensive gifts.

I wouldn't mind at all if a close friend or family member asked me this (assuming it wasn't anyone well off. My millionaire uncle's offspring would get very short shrift!).

Original poster
bratnav · 22/02/2009 11:17

thanks edam

I am having a hen night, a pyjama party with ice cream, pizza and chick flicks at my house (with wine for everyone else too)

Anyone want to come?

OP posts:
flaminhell · 22/02/2009 17:12

Im in! :0

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2009 17:16

sounds fab bratnav - i will have a vitural glass bottle of wine with you

Highlander · 22/02/2009 17:21

if you're that skint and I was your friend? I'd happily pay for my meal and I'd get you a pressie - everyone deserves a nice start to their married life.

Best of Luck!!

PS Top Tip - unless your dress is skimpy, wear comfy pants; it's a long day. You can always change into slut-wear when you hit the bedroom!