to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

[bratnav]

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

I can't see how anyone could be offended by paying £15 for a close friend/family member to have a day to remember.

I don't think yabu at all. I would be absolutely fine with this, assuming I was close family/friend and knew the circs. I think your mother is cross about it because she thought your DH's parents should be paying for the whole thing (now that is unreasonable). Have a lovely time!

Yikes> I agree with Gagamama. Perhaps a note saying that you're not having a wedding reception but you'd love if people wanted to come to the church, and/or join you for a meal afterwards.

That way, they know that they can come to the church for a peak, but you won't offended if they don't join you for the meal.

And they know where they stand and if they want to eat with you they know the score!

Good God Almighty yes. I got a wedding invitation recently. at the wedding list contents. And the cost of the suggested hotels. But hey - I wont have to pay for my grub on the big day and therefore I shall be a guest.

I'm being mean - I shall enjoy it enormously I'm sure. But no more than I would enjoy a meal I'd paid for to celebrate in style the marriage of one of my nearest and dearest.

Do you think your mum is giving you a hard time because people are asking her why she isnt paying. Not that she should, before that can of worms opens...

We could not afford anything we we married, so we just a "tea" at home, complete with home made wedding cake,booze we had picked up weekly and stashed away, it was great we all had a good time, just a party really, cost next to nothing, not what i would has wished for but good all the same, we had a blessing on our 20th aniversary, had a bloody great bash then but we were a bit better of by then

It is a fantastic idea!!

Brilliant.

Second wedding for both, 3 children and one on the way.

Wear you fave outfit and have a meal (£15 per head wont break the bank for each guest)

Congratulations and have a fab day!

ignore the yabu brigade.

Weddings can be different!

It seems to me that guests can be asked to:
fly thousands of miles
travel hundreds of miles and have to stay overnight
hire special suits (and hats)
buy new outfits (+hat)
pay for buttonholes
buy a gift from a list given by the couple
arrange (possibly paying)for childcare if the bride decides you can't bring children

All this is OK, and yet a couple arrange a budget wedding with only a few close relations and friends and it is much better to have a few sandwiches and cup of tea at home because you can't possibly expect them to pay £15 for a meal, even if you have explained and told them not to give a present.It seems mad to me!!

Hope you have a lovely day-if I was your close friend I would be quite happy to help- and very relieved that you weren't expecting me to pay for a week in Barbados!

One of the BEST bridal parties I ever went to was for old friends of ours. They had no money so they asked people to pay for their own meals at the reception. They only asked close friends, who knew them and their circumstances so it was no big deal.

It was a lovely, touching civil service followed by a great meal and a bit of time with our good friends.

You know the people you're going to ask best. If you think they'll go for it, that's what counts. And if they love you, they won't care about the circumstances.

Enjoy your wedding, whatever your circumstances end up being.

I think those are crazy and rude too PM, well not the child free weddings, so long as the couple acknowledge that some people won't be able to or won't choose to go and don't utter a word of complaint if they decline.

I thought YWBU when I read the title but actually I think if you have worded it carefully (as I think you have) and it is very close friends / family only then I think it's fine.

I went away got some perspective and decided that you haven't done anything heinously wrong, your guest list really is sooo incredibly tiny that they will understand - not feel obligated, and you will be fine. Don't stress!!

Although, I now really want an impromptu wedding.

i could not in all honeslty think badly of a close friend or family member who asked us to pay for a CHEAP meal instead of giving a gift if they were hard up but wanted to marry. there are some heartless people out there. I am genuinely shocked.

I would think it was a bit odd.

I would think they ought to be embarrassed to have asked.

I would probably offer to make a much larger cash contribution to cover the costs of other guests so they didn't have to ask everyone to pay.

I'd be quite happy with homemade sandwiches and a cash bar in a local pub.

I'd rather pay for myself than make the couple worry about a buffet the day before.

The costs of a buffet would not be insignificant.

I'd be pleased to "get away" with only spending £15 per head rather than a much more expensive present.

I'd probably take a present anyway.

I agree a great wedding day is about the people rather than the trappings.

So I'm not sure which side of the fence that puts me on

I think it's uconventional - but you've pre-warned people and they think it's cool, so that's what is important. It's your day - screw people if they don't want to pay, they don't have to be there....

If it makes you feel any better, my DH's best friend got married two years ago and made all the ushers and him (best man) pay for their suits (fair enough if you're keeping them), but dictated that they had to hire them from Saville Row and also told them which one to hire. It was £175 a day!! We had just moved house and were brassic and expecting DS at the time. The cheek!! This was after a stag running with the bulls in Pamplona and a stay in a £200 a night hotel (which they kindly booked for us in advance, not one of the cheap B&Bs on their list) - let alone the present and the petrol..... We paid, because we adore him and his wife, but it still cost us the best part of £1000 that we didn't have.

I've also heard of people making people pay for their bridesmaid dresses and shoes before (but tell them which ones to buy). I didn't, but I've heard it's quite common now... worse still, my best friend had to pay for it all, dress, shoes, hair etc and then the bride asked for them all after the wedding as she wanted to Ebay them after the wedding . The worst thing was that they were filing for divorce after a year.

£15 for a lovely meal and a fabby day with people who you love and love you, is fine.

Enjoy your day xx

Thank you to all of you who think maybe IABU, but have been kind enough to soften up on me a little, I was crying but feel a bit better now. It is helpful to get lots of perspectives.

DP and I have got new clothes, but definitely stuff we can wear again, ditto the DDs. No honeymoon unless a friend of DPs can pull off a free weekend in exchange for a review for a magazine.

I was going to say YABU but I think if you are genuinely not spending much - i.e. no dress / photographs / posh flowers then people won't mind that it is informal. Although they aren't really "guests" I don't think!

However if they turn up and you are wearing a posh frock and have hired a limo then they might be a bit

Easily shocked aren't you? And I'm not heartless but it's rude to invite people and not to treat them like guests.

However there may be ways to take the sting out of the request and make it sound better, as people have mentioned, saying dh and I will be at X restaurant after the wedding if anyone cares to join us there is a set menu available. Still less than ideal but it sounds better.

Have you all seen the guest list BTW.

"Guest list:

My parents
DPs Parents
My DSis and BIL
DPs DBro and SIL
My cousin & CIL (very close)
My Aunt & Uncle (ditto)
Best friends (a couple)"

If you were related in that way to the OP and were aware of her circmstances, would you still think it was crazy and rude?

If so, then I really am pretty shocked.

xposts

Easily shocked in fact

I have to say that to hire any hall around here is over £100, and to provide the food at least another £75 which we don't have. TBH the idea of a buffet which I then have to clear up is my idea of hell.

Ooh, I am making my own cake though

If it were my close friend or close family and the situation was genuine - esp if th wedding itself wasn't some lavish affair with lots spent on it - then no, of course it wouldn't bother me to pay for my meal. And I'd probably still bring a gift too.

I suppose a lot would also depend on the way we were asked/invited.

I'll fetch you a chair shall I? So you can sit down.

twb, if you read this thread properly you will find that no-one has been "heartless"

bratnav - i would have no problem with this and would be honored to be one of the chosen few invited. I hope it all goes well. Also if it were me i would ring the restaurant up before hand and pay to upgrade the wine to fizz during the meal as a wedding present ( i know others who would do this too!)