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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 22:53

'Weddings have just gone bonkers these days, its all about the show and less about the marriage.'

My feeling exactly! At which point I will go to bed!

mememummy · 18/02/2009 23:01

i asked people to pay for theyre own meal at my wedding and no1 complained as they had a lovely meal rather than the cold buffet it would av been

MmeLindt · 18/02/2009 23:05

Bratnav
Yanbu

I would not be at all offended. When we go to a wedding it normally costs a hell of a lot more than £15.

Fwiw, it is not unusual to do this in south Bavaria so you could tell everyone you have discovered a long lost relative in Bavaria and are adopting the tradition.

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 18/02/2009 23:06

JUst in case anyone can't be bothered to read the whole thread:

"Guest list:

My parents
DPs Parents
My DSis and BIL
DPs DBro and SIL
My cousin & CIL (very close)
My Aunt & Uncle (ditto)
Best friends (a couple)"

steviesgirl · 18/02/2009 23:56

Reading your OP again and actually taking what you posted in this time! I feel maybe I was being a bit harsh with my reply. Normally it would be the done thing to pay for your guests meals, but being that you are not expecting gifts from them and that it's only close family and friends then that sounds fair.

So YANBU! Sorry, I have a habit of impulsiveness with my answers. Didn't mean to bite your head off.

Hope you have a lovely day.

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 19/02/2009 00:42

I?ve just read through the whole thread. My initial impressions from the OP didn?t change and I?m actually impressed at it all. I told my partner of your wedding, we could easily be you, and he thought it was a lovely idea too.

To sum up, in case anyone missed it and just so I?m sure:

20 people (including bride and groom and their children)
Nice clothes (bridesmaids dresses donated by parents of the groom from Monsoon)
Cousin taking pictures
Another cousin playing music
Bride making the cake
Long distance relatives staying at the home of the bride and groom
A family meal out with only one friend couple coming
Budget £300

Sounds fantastic for a wedding of a £300 budget!

Just want to say I didn?t explain my entire wedding plans because this thread isn?t about me. I did say in my first post that we would be explaining to everyone from the start what we are doing so if anyone goes out and buys an outfit then gets annoyed about the outfits being available then that?s their problem, they should read the invite better! I also didn?t explain who was coming because the most important point, they?re not MN-ers!

Thanks Tamarto

I like what Gossip said about knowing your audience, it applies to both our weddings. You know what your friends and family will be happy with and if it?s what you want then what does it matter what people who aren?t invited think?

Ivykat, she?s not telling them what to eat, they?re going to a restaurant and there is an al a Carte menu they?re choosing from.

mrsblanc · 19/02/2009 01:06

Bratnav your wedding celebration is a FAR better blueprint than the standard over the top affair costing thousands.

I just don't get why so many people feel the need to spend a fortune on one day and have all their family and friends make an almighty and expensive fuss

have a wonderful time x

mymama · 19/02/2009 07:15

Congratulatins Bratnav.

yanbu. I think it is perfectly fine. I am in Australia and it is quite common practice here for couples who have been living together and have children.

If your mother is so upset about it why doesn't she pay for the meals. That would be the correct tradition.

If people aren't happy you could always register at the restaurant you are going to and ask for vouchers .

ladymariner · 19/02/2009 07:17

I just want to reiterate what I said earlier (somewhere on page 12) that no way are you being unreasonable, and I hope you have a lovely day.

What's all this "form" rubbish??? You are being totally upfront with people and having a super day from which you will have no debt but still a day to remember. I wish I'd been to more weddings like this one

kslatts · 19/02/2009 07:53

YANBU, but I think it is a difficult position to be in, I wouldn't ask for people to pay. If I really couldn't afford to pay for everyone then I would do a cheap buffet and have something at home, or some pubs will let you take your own buffet in, for my dd's christening we hired a function room and took our own food, the function room was free as the pub knew they would make money on the drinks.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 08:02

I think that I would much rather pay £15 for a three course meal where I can sit down in comfort and enjoy the day with everyone relaxed rather than have a cheap buffet and the bride busy organising food.

'Bratnav your wedding celebration is a FAR better blueprint than the standard over the top affair costing thousands.'

I hope that you are right mrsblanc and that by the time my DSs get married (if they do)people will be having weddings that don't cost thousands.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 08:02

'Bratnav your wedding celebration is a FAR better blueprint than the standard over the top affair costing thousands.'

I hope that you are right mrsblanc and that by the time my DSs get married (if they do)people will be having weddings that don't cost thousands.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 08:03

sorry-never know why it posts twice!

Original poster

bratnav · 19/02/2009 08:23

Thank you all very much for your input, whether agreeing or not

I showed this thread to DH to be and he spent ages reading it all, he was so impressed with the variation and level of discussion that he is threatening to join us now

OP posts:

frazzledgirl · 19/02/2009 08:46

Bratnav, I initially thought you were BU (although I did sympathise), but having read it all I take it back - your wedding plans sound great.

Also, you and your DH sound lovely (V impressed with how you reacted to some of the initial kickings, not sure I could have mustered that much grace).

Hope you have a fabulous day which is the start to a fabulous marriage!

paranoidmother · 19/02/2009 09:08

Difficult one to call. Perhaps some way of wording it to say that we are get married on..... and if you would like to join us this is the menu choice with prices attached. Sorry that we can't afford to pay for everyone but we'll look to do a bigger celebration once baby is born and can enjoy the celebrations to!

My mother kicked off over the fact I wouldn't invite all the people she wanted and pay for them. Some of the older generation think that Weddings are for the parents, nowadays it's more for us if we're paying for it!

Good Luck with everything

apostrophe · 19/02/2009 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GossipMonger · 19/02/2009 09:33

With all due respect Apostrophe - read the whole thread!

There are links as to where the reception is and it is a fab hotel with a lovely lunch menu with choices for £15 pp.

Only close friends and family are going and family members are doing photos and music.

Small intimate wedding on a very tight budget.

Second wedding for both. 3 children already and one on the way!

wish I was going.

SuperMario · 19/02/2009 09:36

I think no
go to register office

GossipMonger · 19/02/2009 09:38

Are you just answering the question SM or have you read the thread of 370posts??

pantshavenames · 19/02/2009 09:42

Only skimmed thread so apologies if I'm repeating stuff. My brother and his wife had a small reception in a local restaurant for immediate family and friends and the invite came with a menu card with a choice of about 4 meals and a price. It was made clear that guests were expected to pay for the meal and I don't know anyone who had a problem with it. Neither of them are on vast wages or have wealthy parents so why not? And everyone gave them presents.
She got a killer vintage dress off Ebay to wear as well. .

notamumyetbutoneday · 19/02/2009 09:51

Bratnav- I think i may be in the minority here! DH and I have so many firends living together who would love to get married but think they can't afford it. if any of them came to us and said, we would love to get married but how you would feel about paying for your own meals we would be delighted that they had found a way to get married without stretching themselves financially.

Admittedly if the bride then turned up in a meringue that had cost £2000 i would be to say the least but I sense thats not whats happening here at all.

For goodness sake people- a wedding is about 2 people who love each other making a commitment! You shouldn't have to forgo that simply because you can't afford to feed all your guests.

FWIW, as a guest I would much prefer to pay £15 (or more- that seems v cheap to me!) a head at a restaurant than have a buffet.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 09:51

I think the fact that you are saying 'please don;t buy us a gift' makes it more acceptable.

The guests pay for their own meal as a gift to you. Most will probably spend less than they would if they got you a gift.

SobranieCocktail · 19/02/2009 09:59

I've only read the first ...er 50 or so posts but I would not be at all offended if someone suggested this to me. I think you're also VERY sensible for not racking up £££ on credit cards for the sake of your wedding

pingping · 19/02/2009 10:08

YANBU I wouldnt be offended.

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