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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
littlelyn · 19/02/2009 15:07

YANBU. If your Mum has a real problem with it then she could always offer to pay - I know I would if it was my DD's 2nd wedding. I wouldn't like the thought of my DD stressing unnecessarily whilst pg, particularly fussing over a DIY buffet!. You could always invite your party of family/friends to an impromptu do at your house when you can afford to do so. Love the dress btw - I hope you both have a lovely day.

Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 15:10

ClaraJo-we are getting married now as we both felt that we wanted to be married before the baby arrived, no parental pressure at all. We are having a small 'do' now as we want to celebrate our marriage with our very nearest and dearest, if we went for a full on affair, which we had started to plan before we knew I was expecting, we would have had in excess of 200 people We will probably have a big party at some point in the future, perhaps for our 5th wedding anniversary or something?

Blondes - no she is still funny about it all. I suggested last night that if she was that worried maybe they as the brides parents should pay, she put the phone down on me. She called back and suggested that we should ask DPs parents to pay as 'they are rolling in it'. I explained that was not as option as they bailed us out last year and we see no reason why they would anyway.

OP posts:
Cloudspotter · 19/02/2009 15:29

At first I was a bit but after reading about it and thinking about it a bit more, I reconsidered and reckon it is OK. I suspect that's what most of your guests will do. It is unconventional, but no matter what the initial reaction, people will fall into line.

On the day itself, people will be too pleased for you and excited by the whole idea to have any thoughts about the paying bit.

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 19/02/2009 15:36

if you're prepared to pay £150 for your family's meals (you and 3 kids?)

OK, how did you get this figure? 5 x 15 = £75 and I'd assume that the children would eat off the kids menu which is probably (for arguments sake) half price so that would be £52.

Ooooooooooooh I loooooove your dress! I've not found this site before, how have I missed it?

Tell her it's not the parents of the groom's place to pay anything and if she can't afford to be traditional she'll have to put up with it! I agree it's not their place to pay as a second wedding of a cohabiting couple (I say this being in a near identical situation) but if she is going to argue it use it back at her!

Helen31 · 19/02/2009 16:00

Ooh lovely dress, and if you've got it for less than that, what a bargain! So glad I came back to see the latest.

Ramble alert - it amazes me how everybody - however reasonable under normal circumstances - seems to go a bit doo-lally when it comes to weddings. There always seems to be one rel. who gets a bee in their bonnet about something - somehow forgetting that it is the bride and groom's special day. But ime it doesn't stop the b and g enjoying the day.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/02/2009 16:03

fab dress

i am sorry you are having this stress, maybe say to your mum she doesnt have to come!!!!

if the rest of the guests F&F are ok with it, then fuck her (sorry)

LittleCheese · 19/02/2009 16:14

Hi Sorry I haven't read all this thread as it is very long but 2 years ago when my dd was born we decided to get married and as DH's parents live in spain we wanted to do it when they were over so planned it in 6 weeks. We really didnt have very much money so were originally going to get married in the registary office then invite people out for a meal which we would not have paid for but would have been optional for guests to come along, my mum was fine with this however did offer to pay for ceremony and wedding breakfast in a hotel for all 27 guests

MorrisZapp · 19/02/2009 16:32

I'm baffled that in this modern age we still believe that the bride's family have to pay for weddings.

Wtf? Why should this be? For what reason? It makes no logical sense.

Surely the most practical way for weddings to be paid for these days is by the couple themselves plus by both sets of parents according to means?

It may be an old tradition but so is saving your virginity for your wedding night, and asking for teasets so you can set up house together.

Why can't the world of weddings move on at the same pace as the rest of the world. YANBU at all imo.

lalalonglegs · 19/02/2009 16:56

Hello AuntyItaly - I completely agree with you by the way. Not many people are saying that the bride's family should pay for the wedding but that if the bride's mother wants to be difficult about it, then maybe she could consider it.

Do you or your parents or your husband's parent live in a house big enough for all your guests to fit in for a stand-up buffet (amazing how many people you can squeeze in if you move some of the furniture into a bedroom). £150 would go a long way to a decent amount of food and fizz.

Hope you have a lovely day and congratulations on the pregnancy.

Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 17:12

My parents would not be willing and DHs parents live 15 miles away so everyone would have to drive to the middle of nowhere (literally).

OP posts:
Tclanger · 19/02/2009 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 17:36

Traditionally the bride got married from home and her parents paid, but we have moved on from that. OP has lived with her DP for years and has 2 children and another expected, in that case they will have most household goods as they are not just setting up home so £15 for a meal seems a very good alternative.
I am surprised at the number of people who want her to be compiling a shopping list, shopping,preparing food, setting it out and clearing it away and washing up when she could just enjoy a relaxed time with someone else doing all the preparation and clearing away.
My mother did her own food for her wedding (her parents were both dead and it was down to her).She did a lovely buffet but it spoilt her day-she was shattered. She was busy doing last minute things like whipping cream up to the very moment of getting ready-she felt ready to call the whole thing off!

jemart · 19/02/2009 18:37

NO! NO! NO!

If you can't afford the wedding, postpone it until you can. Guests are supposed to recieve your hospitality, it is not very hospitable to invite people out and then make them pay for their dinner.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 19:11

The marriage is far more important than one day! I don't know if you have read the whole thread jemart but she is having a very small party with 2 close friends and immediate family-they are all quite happy (except for her mother who is the one that should traditionally pay anyway).

SniffyHock · 19/02/2009 19:19

No-one gets upset when you have a birthday dinner in a restaurant and everyone pays for their own meal!
If I knew friends were hard up then I would be more than happy to pay £15 to celebrate their day with them. It's not like you're asking people to shell out £60 a head. I presume you are not doing cars etc that are un-necessary.
It would be nice if you can find enough money to buy a few bottles of wine for the table.

Hope you have a lovely day

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 19:28

I didn't realise until I read this that weddings were so set in stone! It is OK to be asked to pay to attend one on a tropical beach as long as the meal is free!!
I think it is really off to ask for cash instead of presents and appalling to ask the guests for the cash for the honeymoon (all things that happen!).
If the bride was having expensive dress, cars, photographer,flowers etc it would be completely unacceptable, as would choosing £50 meal, but she isn't. She is doing the whole lot on a budget of £350 total. The £15 is instead of a present and she is only asking her nearest and dearest.
Even if she was to wait and save up there are much bigger priorities for the money with 3 children!
A weddding day isn't important-the next X years are the ones that count.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 19:30

I don't know why I am getting heated! I hope you have a lovely day bratnav and I will stop reading-I expect the argument will rumble on for days!

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/02/2009 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 19/02/2009 20:02

< offers pisces a glass of wine >

Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 20:07

pisces - bless you for getting so wound up on my behalf

My parents are now talking about not coming at all as I wont invite their friends, so I took a big step and told them that if they can't just come and celebrate then don't bother. I don't see why we should have people we don't want at our wedding when I can think of dozens of people that we can't have and would love to invite.

OP posts:
charmargot · 19/02/2009 20:28

I like the old style of wedding where all the family make the food. Everyone gets involved and it unites people together in a common cause.
If you want lots more people than you can afford to cater for getting people to help with their signature dish is great, especially for people of your Mum's generation.
Otherwise asking people for their presence at a reasonable £15 rather than their presents is a great idea.
Is there a way you can keep your same budget but involve your Mum some how - be terrible to alienate her from your wedding. What would she suggest??

jujumaman · 19/02/2009 20:36

yanbu

you're being upfront about it and handing out free alcohol - what's the problem

My bf got married in Spain last year for no other reason than she fancied it. We had to

  1. Fly the whole family out to Spain
  2. Hire a villa for a week as the celebrations were over several days
  3. Buy a wedding present - well we didn't have to but the card with the wedding list details was given to us with the invitation
  4. Pay for food and drink at the party the night before the actual bash.

I would have far, far rather she'd done what you are planning. Hope you have a lovely day.

ScottishMummy · 19/02/2009 20:41

if good friends wanted me at their wedding,for modest £15 of course i would go.

it is about love,the ceremony after all

sometimes too many guests have a expectation of snout in trough and all the freebies they can quaff at free bar/buffet

for my friends wedding,we made a buffet.had a relaxing time.knew all guest's intimate relaxed affair in her house and garden

ClaraJo · 19/02/2009 21:33

StewieGriffinsMom I read your post and thought "who says she should get married in a registry office with a large fish?" Doh!

Songbird · 19/02/2009 22:13

God this thread really has gone mental. Bratnav you should have taken my advice yesterday and deleted it - none of the YABUs are saying anything new (nor the YANBUs but they're more welcome!!). You just keep getting new and annoying YABUs spouting the same old crap. And well done for standing up to your mum - silly cah!

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