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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
Katiestar · 19/02/2009 10:08

Haven't read it all but just wanted to say that nobody who loves youis going to want you to put yourselves in hock to pay for a wedding meal for them.

Very sensible and practical idea (but I am sure people will still buy you a present anyway)

flaminhell · 19/02/2009 10:12

Have skipped through, for what it is worth, if it is close friends and family, and given the state of the economy, I would have no problems.

You are wanting to be married, you could do it on your own, with no one around, and just pay for your own lunch, but you want to share it with your friends, and I for one would say that is a generous thing to share with others.

Anyway you're damned if you do damned if you dont, do it on your own and tell them you were skint and they will say, "oh you should have said we would have paid for our own lunch"

As with all things that involve more than one person, someone is going to complain, just remember its your day no one else's and it will be you that remembers every last minute not them, so enjoy and do what you want.

Congratulations, hope you have a wonderful day.

LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 10:23

The more i think about this, the more i think its a great idea actually. I would resent having to go out and buy a wedding present knowing that actually, you don't need the stuff and it would be more beneficial to you, my friend or family member, if we paid for our meal. I would be a bit put out if i had to pay for a buffet meal but as its a sit down meal i think its a great idea.

gladders · 19/02/2009 10:32

if you're prepared to pay £150 for your family's meals (you and 3 kids?) - why not use that money to set up a buffet? If only 20 people, that would be do-able at home?

independiente · 19/02/2009 10:36

When I read the thread title, I was all completely ready to say YABU, as I'm usually old-fashioned about these things... but... it is a small, intimate celebration, and the cost is very low. I think ummadam's (and others') suggestion is a very good one. I think, put that way, I too would be pleased to help my friends have a wonderful day.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 12:59

I prepared a buffet for my twins' baptism last week and although it was enjoyable it was hard work. I wouldn't want to be bothering (especially with the worry about whether there would be enough food) if it was my wedding day.

Swedes · 19/02/2009 13:31

Your list is 14 people plus you and your husband to be. I would make a really good shepherd's pie and have free-flowing fizz at home. Give a couple of local teenagers a tenner each for being there to serve and wash-up.

Isn't the most important thing that you are all together? It will be horrible if people (even if it is only your Mother) are vaguely cheesed off.

I'll make you a superior shepherd's pie, sufficient to feed 16 if you live anywhere near me.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 13:45

Or get your mother to make the food!

blueshoes · 19/02/2009 13:46

Only really read the OP and skimmed the rest.

I don't think it is on to suggest that your guests pay for their meal. Firstly, you are assuming that your guests will give you a wedding gift, and second, you are telling them how you want them to spend the sum they would have otherwise spent on the gift.

As your guests are close relatives, it is not a big deal. But I can see why your mother might be slightly aghast.

Agree that doing something simple at home would be better.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 13:46

The problem with that would be having to hire somewhere to do it, you woulnd't want it in your own house cos of the cleaning up beforehand and afterwards.

cheesesarnie · 19/02/2009 13:47

yabu.

nocluemum · 19/02/2009 13:48

What about drinks as well - do the guests have to pay for them as that could cost another 15 pounds per head or are you going to pay for those?

notamumyetbutoneday · 19/02/2009 13:54

To those sugesting a buffet though, even though the OP and DH are on a budget I think they deserve a day that iss pecial for them and running round manically to do houseowrk and prepare food isnt going to make the day any fun for them at all, IMO.

I know i woukdnt be able to relax and enjoy myself if I had to worry about doing the catering.

Swedes · 19/02/2009 13:57

I went to an at-home (average 3 bed semi) wedding reception a few years ago and they had decorated the house with strings of home made white bunting made from white cotton sheets from the charity shop (cut with pinking shears). The food was fish and chips (fish was in small goujons) served in silver cardboard cones (cooked and delivered by the local chippy). All washed down with lots of lovely cheap fizz. It was one of the nicest weddings I've ever been to.

Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 13:57

We have agreed a glass of champagne on arrival for everyone, plus enough wine for the table for everyone to have a couple of glasses of wine included in the deal we have made.

TBH any more free alcohol than that and my Mother would become a serious problem, which I could do without on my wedding day.

Aside from the fact that I would end up clearing up and sorting the food beforehand which I sort of object to doing, our house isn't really large enough to cope with that many people.

OP posts:
HSMM · 19/02/2009 13:58

We didn't have much money for our wedding, so a friend offered her house/garden and everyone brought something for a buffet. My aunt made the cake and all we had to pay for was a few bottles of sparkling wine. We had a lovely day.

auntyitaly · 19/02/2009 14:02

I agree with earlier posts - if your mother's so keen on being traditional, she foots (all) the bill. I would point this out. Also mention how many of her relations will be there on the day too. If she says she's broke, say 'now you know how we feel - and we've got a baby on the way too.'

Alternatively, lessen the load and ask both sets of parents to pay half each.

Either way, parents really should be making a contribution of some kind - is yr mum paying for anything else?

If no one will pay, you will find straightforward invitation wording that asks guests to 'share a celebration with us' - and include a menu and tear off slip in the invitations. Tell people you know and like that if they want to come they need to pay in advance, and tell everyone there's no obligation to make it as you know it might be expensive, etc.

neenztwinz · 19/02/2009 14:08

I don't agree that parents should make a contribution. If they do then great but it is not their wedding so why should they pay?

Flightattendant27 · 19/02/2009 14:17

Bratnav, I think it sounds fine.

Sorry though am LOL at 'Badly'

Have you got your dress yet? Haven't seen frock mentioned but might have missed it.

Am rather excited for you!

Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 14:19

here is my dress 2nd one down not paying anywhere near that much for it though, and I will wear it again as I love this sort of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 14:20

Perhaps with a jumper etc for everyday wear though

OP posts:
TimorousWeeBeastie · 19/02/2009 14:23

the medievel midnight black one? Its stunning, i want it for my own wedding!

Original poster
bratnav · 19/02/2009 14:25

I love it, plus I needed something quite flowing to hide the tiny baby bump, and the HUGE arse I seem to have developed over the last couple of weeks.

OP posts:
ClaraJo · 19/02/2009 14:36

Years ago a group of us were a bit offended not to have been invited to a friend's wedding. The only one of us from college that had been invited was the best man, who tactfully explained to us that the bride and groom were actually footing the bill themselves and they couldn't afford to invite us. They were really apologetic but hoped we'd understand. So we all offered to pay our own way and the groom was thrilled to have us there. On the day, we didn't feel any less part of proceedings because we had had to pay for ourselves. If anything, I think our presence meant more to the groom because we showed how much we wanted to be there for him (none of us was earning much at the time).

The other thing that occurred to me, though, is why is having a wedding such a big deal? If you are getting married sooner rather than later because you are pg, is it not the marriage that is important? Could you not have an amazing wedding party at some later date? [Asking not to criticise, but because I am in v. similar situation and receiving parental pressure to get married and we certainly can't afford a wedding celebration at the mo.]

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/02/2009 15:01

has your mum come round yet?

or do as others have suggested, if she wants tradional, then she pays IT ALL

as most parents of the bride do

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