Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 15 16 17 18 19 20

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 19/02/2009 22:51

MorrisZapp no one is saying the bride's parents should pay, what's been said is if she's going to get on her high horse about tradition then traditionally she should be paying.

lalalonglegs £150 is more than the meal is going to cost them anyway and half of their wedding budget.

pisces I feel the same, people are so horrible. I don't understand why people think that someone shouldn't get married on a £300 budget and only invite their family?

jasper · 19/02/2009 22:51

I really hope your style of wedding celebration catches on.

What a fabulous way to do things.

I love it that you have cut through all the crapola associated with getting married

June2009 · 20/02/2009 00:02

Agree with how 2pt4kids worded it.

Close friends and family will know your situation and not expect you to pay for them.

You can't please everyone. I had to tell my dad he wouldn't be buying the wine for our wedding and he was upset. He got over it.

ChippingIn · 20/02/2009 00:14

Bratnav - sorry I haven't read all of the posts (all 429 of them!! Good Grief - bet you didn't expect this kind of a response!!). I have, however, read a few of your responses to people. You posted this (Wed 18th 15.52) Oh hel, the whole idea of this wedding was that everyone came and celebrated with us, I know it's unconventional, but we have tried to be considerate to everyone

Personally I think that with the way you have worded it, the other things you have said (ballgowns or PJ's come as you like), you have a baby on the way etc - if people take offence then they need to look at their own narrow minded view of the world. I would much rather be invited to a friends wedding and pay for my meal, wine etc than have them go to a Registry Office by themselves because they couldn't afford to pay for my dinner. I want to be there to celebrate with them not on them. Tell your Mum if she's unhappy with the arrangements that she can feel free to pay for as many people as she likes

Have a great day!!

June2009 · 20/02/2009 00:18

btw where I come from in West France the wedding is split up in several parts:
Anyone can come to the church, some people are specifically invited to that and to the registry office, these people are usually also invited to an "aperitif" (drink before the meal).

Then the meal is usually paid for by the bride and groom's parents so they invite mainly family and extended family for the meal, maybe their best and closest friends too.
Other friends are invited for dessert only and sometimes they have to pay for it.

It's completely accepted, not seen as rude at all and people will often pay for that and also get a present. (or nowadays it's a piggy bank and you give cash in an envelope).

And the friends will usually provide entertainment too in the form of songs, quizzes about the bride and groom and games.

Then there's a disco where hundreds of people are invited, there'll be a bar where you have to pay for your own drinks.
At midnight they give you coffee and brioche for free.
Again this is just how it is and not seen as rude at all.

and for the anecdote, at midnight the bride and groom leave to spend the night at someone else's place and their friends go and make onion soup somewhere around 2am and have to find out where the couple are staying and serve them the soup in bed :D

It's about celebrating your mate's wedding.

We know how to party ;)

FatController · 20/02/2009 00:22

Why do parents think that they have the right to invite THEIR friends to their children's wedding? I went to a wedding on Saturday and half the guests were "friends of the parents"......... but that was because the parents were paying I guess!

Well done on standing up to your Mum, sad though it is. It is YOUR DAY, do what you and your DP want to do.

ChippingIn · 20/02/2009 00:45

Fat controller - because parents want their friends to celebrate with them, most nice parents are happy and excited and want to share that with their friends as well... no harm in that is there?? (Well, not if the parents are prepared to pay for said friends). Also, generally, they are people the bride or groom has known for many years, if not all their life...

However, I do agree that it's the Bride and the Grooms day and what they say goes - regardless of how weird it may be (this does not refer to the OP AT ALL as I think your/her wedding sounds absolutely FAB and I hope more people do it this way!!).

I have now read back quite a few pages and am somewhat astounded there are (still) so many people saying it's 'not the done thing' and 'they aren't guests if you don't pay for them' WTF who cares?????????

Honestly - don't give it another thought! Have a fantastic day and married life - after all - that is what it's about - being married to the one you love - not the Fecking Food!!!

toddlerama · 20/02/2009 00:55

Can't read the whole thread, but I have to say that I would be flattered to (a) be invited to such a select group to celebrate with you and (b) that you were comfortable enough to make a very sensible suggestion! YANBU.

We did something very similar and asked guests to bring a dish for the buffet at my parents house. Nobody was offended and several friends have used this model once someone else broke the taboo!

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 20/02/2009 02:37

I was just thinking, the couple can't afford much so they go for cheap clothes they can wear again and ask family to do things for them (photos, music) but according to a lot of people on here they should postpone the wedding and save up until they can afford to buy their close family and a couple they're good friends with food or invite more people that they have to find food for?

Wow, you know what? If my wedding budget was £300 and I had the option of saving up a little more, I think I would rather put something towards the dresses or a better wedding venue than changing the reception and let's face it, if she was going to match the reception it would take a lot more than £15 a head!

BTW why do people keep multiplying her own family's expense by 10? Especially when three of them are children and probably going to cost less. Let's get that straight too, 5 X £15 = £75

notamumyetbutoneday · 20/02/2009 08:47

Bratnav you mentionned in an earlier post that there are lots of people you would love to have there but feel you can't ask them. Have you sounded these people out on the possibiklity of them paying for their own meal? As others have said, no one expects the birthday girl or boy to pay for everyones meal at a birthday dinner, why is a wedding so different?

Im sure if you sound some of your friends out on the possibility, before sending any invitattions you will be surprised just how many people will be fine with it. I know i would be.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2009 08:52

thats a good point

if you do want some other F&F there, then see if they want to pay

I would be more than honoured if one of my friends ( if dp EVER asks her to marry him) did what you are planning to do and asked us to come

dh and i pay £30 and get a meal and a day out and my friend gets married - PERFECT

troutpout · 20/02/2009 08:54

yabu..sorry
Actually 2pt4 summed it up perfectly.
Have a tiny wedding... and then just pay for a meal for yourselves and your parents or close friends up to what you can afford.

Original poster

bratnav · 20/02/2009 09:00

Um, trout, have you read the thread, that is exactly what we are doing

We have decided to invite a few more people for drinks in the evening, surely noone expects us to pay for that?

OP posts:

pacinofan · 20/02/2009 09:04

Have I mis-read then - I thought the guests were each paying £15 for their meal?

troutpout · 20/02/2009 09:05

No
well errm yes...oh good...glad you have it sorted
(didn't realise thread was so big untill i'd posted actually)
very sorry...will go away

Original poster

bratnav · 20/02/2009 09:07

Well yeas they are paying £15 for their meal. We have paid what we can towards it, ie arranging for the bubbly on arrival, wine on table etc, and are only having close family and 1 set of friends.

OP posts:

pacinofan · 20/02/2009 09:12

Appreciate your situation, but I wouldn't dream of asking guests to pay for their meal. I would make cutbacks in other areas in order to afford it - how much is the food going to cost?

Original poster

bratnav · 20/02/2009 09:19

OK pacinofan, we have £350 budget.

£105 is for register office fees
£50 is for flowers (home arranged) only doing this because the DDs pleaded for them
£100 is for new clothes for DP and I
£75 is for our meals
£40 is for the ingredients and decoration for the cake I am making.

Please tell me where I can cut back?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 20/02/2009 09:20

Pacinofan - I know the thread is LONG but FGS you don't have to read more than one page to know that the meal is £15 per person.

Bratnav, I think you should invite anyone you would like there - if they are real friends they will value sharing your special day. If all someone wants from an invite to a wedding is a free meal then they really aren't friends are they - hey, it's one way to sort the wheat from the chaff!!

For real friends, paying £15 for their own meal is nothing - don't deny them the chance to be there!

flaminhell · 20/02/2009 09:26

OFGS brat, there is absolutley no problem here, they are your friends they wont care, have a great day, invite whom you want to share it with, £15 a head is a bargin meal.

Anyone who says cut back on a budget of £350 is crackers, go and get married, ignore the doubters, and sod it I'd come for £15, just let me know the time and place.

Go get married, be happy, and enjpy your day.

Songbird · 20/02/2009 09:37

I've said it before and I'll say it again .....

Delete this thread

People are bonkers, and they're just going to make you cross! It's going to keep going and going (especially if I keep bumping!!).

Original poster

bratnav · 20/02/2009 09:46

Thanks flaminhell & songbird, you are right, I wont post anymore on this thread, but I wont ask for it to be deleted, lots of people spent time posting on it.

Right, I am off to bake the cake

OP posts:

Nabster · 20/02/2009 09:46

Have a lovely wedding day

Longtalljosie · 20/02/2009 09:47

Bratnav - it's fine.

People get so wierd about what is and isn't acceptable at a wedding. But I do think £15 ph for a three course meal is a total bargain in wedding world. And you've said it's instead of a gift.

Go with it. If a friend of mine sent out an invitation on these lines I wouldn't think twice about coming, I would just subtract £15 from my mental "gift-budget" and get a slightly smaller gift.

If your mum's that worried about it, she'll stump up the £300 herself... Perhaps that can be her wedding gift to you?

pacinofan · 20/02/2009 10:00

You're right, £75 for the meals is an absolute bargain - so much so, I would say do the right thing and pay for your guests. They are 'guests' and deserve to be treated like guests. By asking your guests to stump up for their meal you are likely to be remebered for being tightfisted.

Flip

1 2 ··· 15 16 17 18 19 20

Swipe left for the next trending thread